Self-Confidence
Self confidence is inner peace. It is a deep-seated
belief in yourself; it is contentment with who and what you are.
It is not the misguided belief that you are perfect, or somehow
better than others. It is not a delusional belief that there is
no room for growth or improvement. It is not "attitude."
Self-confident people are able to take criticism with an open
mind and a grain of salt. Years ago, a coworker told me that
I would "make more friends on the job" if I turned down a
promotion I had already been given. I considered her advice with
an open mind. She was correct; several coworkers resented my
being promoted so quickly, and I had essentially bumped someone
else from the position. He was demoted, and I was asked to do
his job. My responsibility was to my employer, and I wasn't
being paid to make friends at the office. So, I did my job. I
did end up making some friends there, in the end. Self-confident
friends who didn't feel threatened by or jealous of my success.
I get criticism of my writing daily, and thank God for it! The
way I look at it is this: Before I send a book out to be
translated into umpteen languages and printed worldwide, I want
to know if I've missed something that's going to come back and
haunt me. If I disagree with the comments or corrections, I can
choose to fix them or not. But if I'd seen them for
myself, would I have shown them to others? Would you be
kind enough to tell the Emperor he had no clothes--back in his
dressing room when he still had time to fix the problem? Or
would you cringe and pretend that you didn't know the Emperor
was naked?
Self-confident people don't have to belittle others to feel
better about themselves. I think the appeal of shows like
Jerry Springer is that they make us feel so vastly superior to
those poor fools on the stage. But underlying that sense of
"There but by the Grace of God" is a mean-spirited delight or
titillation in the misfortunes and stupidity of others. And I
contend that it is more satisfying to watch such spectacles when
we are suffering our own little "crises of confidence" than when
we are content with ourselves. I had surgery a few years ago,
and started watching these shows in the afternoon. I'd been told
my recovery could take six weeks, but at the end of the first
week I was starting to look forward to my daily dose of stupid
people. I rolled my eyes, I sneered, I jeered - I cringed. I
begged my doctor to let me go back to work at the end of a week.
"My brain is starting to rot," I said. "You have to let me go."
He did. Self-confidence recovered, sanity restored, my body
healed faster.
Self-confident people don't have to take the offense or the
defense. Self-confident people don't have to be pushy or
rude to get their way. Most of the self-confident people I know
are not consumed with introspective self-doubt and worry, and
are therefore more able to focus on others and make others feel
better about themselves. They are often mentors, who are glad
when their students outshine them. They are not threatened by
this; they take credit where it's due and are happy to share it
freely. Self-confident people don't get defensive or come out
fighting when things don't go their way, or when someone
criticizes or insults them. They know that there are better
things to come, and that one rotten apple doesn't spoil the
barrel.
Self-confident people can feel hurt like anyone else, but
because they are their own best friends, self-confident people
cannot be crushed or have their spirits broken by an unkind word.
Self-confidence is attractive; love is self-confident.
Ever notice how people in a steady, dating relationship often
have to beat back prospective suitors with a stick? And how
people who are anxiously seeking someone with whom to have a
meaningful relationship are stuck at home on Friday and Saturday
nights, doing their laundry or washing their hair? Neediness and
lack of self-confidence scare people away. Correction:
Neediness and lack of self-confidence attract some people, but
generally not the sort of people you'd want to attract. When
you don't need anyone's company but your own, yet are
open to accepting the company of others, you will have it before
long.
When I was first married, I actually told my husband that if he
were hit by a car, I'd throw myself in front of a bus to die
with him. What pathos! He said he wouldn't do the same for me;
after all, someone would have to make the funeral arrangements.
Omigod, I thought. He doesn't love me at all! I was crushed by
his "cavalier" attitude. I've since assured him that I'd arrange
a lovely funeral for him, too, if he got run over by a bus. I
recently asked him, "Why do you love me? Why have you put up
with me, stayed married to me, all these years?" His answer was
the most romantic, touching, meaningful thing I could imagine.
18 years ago, a less self-confident me would probably have filed
for divorce. "It's not because you're beautiful, or because
you're sexy, or even because I love you," though he hastened to
assure me that I was, I was, and he did, "It's because you're
not stupid."
That kind of love lasts.