Getting Through a Crisis - Tips for Non Resident Mums
A non resident mum and friend of mine has recently been through
a very dark time in her life after her ex-husband suddenly
decided to limit her contact with her two children. Following a
three year struggle with his unpredictable and unreasonable
behaviour and six months of mediation to arrive at the now
defunct contact agreement, she has been feeling that she can't
take any more. So, what can she do? To her despair, her
solicitor has told her that to be eligible for legal aid she has
to go through the mediation process all over again. In
desperation, she has applied for a shared residency order and is
now waiting for a court hearing which she will have to pay for
despite her meagre means. In any event, it looks like she won't
see her children for anything up to a month.
We agreed that there are some times, when the problems we face
cannot be solved. The more we talked about the futility of
various courses of action, the more she moved towards a position
of accepting that she has done all that she can do to solve the
problem and that she now needs to get through this time with as
little pain as possible and without making things worse.
When we talked about what she is currently doing to manage her
distress, we discovered that without realising it she has been
using quite a few coping skills. We thought that it might be
helpful to share these with others who are also going through
difficult times. The skills and strategies are probably quite
personal and what works for some might not work for others but
all are worth trying.
Absorbing activity. Throwing yourself into something that
absorbs your attention and provides distraction. For my friend
this is work, housework and when concentration allows, reading a
book. Doing things for others. My friend found that being
attentive to and looking after her partner was helpful. Others
might find different ways of contributing or helping others to
take their minds off the problem. Making comparisons. Looking
back at when things where even more painful and difficult was
mostly helpful although at times this added to her sense that
her situation hadn't really changed over a long time. Trying to
stimulate other emotions and feelings such as pleasure, comfort,
security and compassion. My friend is good at showing love and
being close to her partner to bring on these feelings. Obviously
this is difficult if you are on your own but there are often
opportunities to interact with others and stimulate feelings
such as compassion or concern. A sense of connection can
sometimes be achieved just by smiling at others in the street.
The feelings might not last long but are still worth it...these
are desperate times and even the slightest relief is a blessing.
Shutting down, blocking and pushing away pain. My friend would
often sit and stare. At first she thought this confirmed that
she was useless and defeated as she was so inactive. She now
sees that this was a way of distancing herself from her problems
and mentally, taking a break. Why not...ruminating over this
type of problem and our failure to deal with it better is
exhausting and fruitless? Using sensory methods to stimulate
alternative feelings or to simply soothe and calm. My friend
finds comfort in eating chocolate, hugging, stroking and smoking
but there are hundreds of ways we can use the five senses to
help us calm and soothe ourselves. Power showers, loud music and
moulding clay have been very good as ways of releasing tension
and some of these can be combined for better effect. Finding
someone who is not going to judge you to talk through your
feelings of guilt and despair. My friend says this has helped
her to realise that she uses guilt as a way of punishing herself
and that feeling rotten can be preferable to feeling good as
there is nowhere to fall. This way she finds meaning in her
misery. This allows her to refocus on doing what she can do now
and in the future 'to be there' for her children in anyway she
can rather than obsessively regret the past. Weighing up the
pros and cons of various courses of action, i.e. going to the
house or the school against the ex-husbands wishes, arguing,
repeatedly telephoning etc. It is easy to see how these actions,
although they might demonstrate to her self and to others that
she hasn't given up on the children, could make things worse for
herself and more painful for the children. Accepting that she
cannot change the situation at this time helps her to do what
she can to cope rather than feeling that she ought to be doing
more and is a bad mother is she doesn't try. Thinking of ways to
be the best mother that she can with the time that she has.
Sending 'I love you' postcards to the children through the
absence, planning how to use the time they have together,
keeping contact with teachers, asking to be directly informed
regarding the children's welfare and progress and seeking advice
on her legal situation.
These are some of the ways that my friend has coped with her
difficult situation. We both agree that they are mostly short
term measures that do not solve the problem but are sometimes
useful for reducing the pain and frustration experienced during
times like these.
These ideas and more can be found on the 'birdflew' website at
www.birdflew.co.uk. The site exists to provide support and
information to non-resident mums in the UK and around the world.