How to Deal With Difficult People Part 2 - The Bully
Sixty-four year old Bill was a married retired executive who
sought anger management help on the insistence of his wife Ann.
After 24 years Ann could no longer tolerate his bullying
behavior toward her, their children, and their friends. He would
often relate in an insulting, "get in your face" way using a
loud, intimidating voice that frightened her.
She often felt like a little girl who was being scolded. He gave
her orders with no thought for her feelings or how others were
reacting to his behavior. If he did not get his own way, he
would often pout or withhold needed finances from her.
Tactics Of The Adult Bully
As this case illustrates, emotional bullying occurs when someone
tries to gain control by making others feel angry or afraid. It
is often characterized by yelling, name-calling, sarcasm,
mocking, putting down, belittling, embarrassing or intimidating.
Ann said that they had no friends because of Bill's behavior. He
was forced into early retirement by his company due to
alienation of upper management.
Bullies Often Have Personality Disorder
Like many bullies, Bill had a deep sense of insecurity about
himself. He completely lacked empathy or the ability to perceive
how he was negatively affecting others.
He honestly didn't see himself as the problem and was constantly
in dismay when others around him were devastated or offended by
his behavior. Bill had what is known as a "narcissistic"
personality disorder. He was only capable of interpreting events
from his perspective. Pre-occupied with himself , he had little
regard or understanding of the feelings of others.
Can Bullies Change?
While research shows that most bullies are unable to make deep
changes to their personality, they are sometimes able to modify
their behavior to the extent that they are more tolerable.
Usually, the motivation to change is inspired by outside
influences such as employers, spouses, or children. Bill, for
instance, desperately wanted his wife back as he truly loved her
to the extent he was able to experience love. Other bullies we
have seen in anger management classes decided to change at the
threat of losing their job. Jim, a line supervisor in a chemical
plant, fell into this category.
The Case of Jim
An "old-school" manager, Jim often yelled and threatened
employees to motivate them to produce more, thinking his
behavior would be seen as positive by the company executives.
Unfortunately, too many employees complained, resulting in his
being referred to Human Resources for intervention. Turns out,
Jim didn't want to be seen as a bully, had no awareness others
were seeing him that way, and most certainly didn't want to lose
his job of over 25 years.
Thus, he was highly motivated to acquire more effective skills
to relate to employees while still maintaining a high rate of
production.
He did well in anger management as he learned our tools of anger
control- particularly the tool of "empathy" which includes
increased social awareness (seeing how he is coming across to
others) as well as more sensitivity to the feelings of others.
Unfortunately, not all bullies are as responsive to intervention
as Jim was. Many bullies remain bullies because they don't see
themselves as the problem. In this case, you may have to learn
how to cope with their behavior, if you are in an unfortunate
situation such that you need to continue to be with them but
survive.
Four Ways To Cope
* Focus on the positive attributes of the bully and try to
ignore the negative parts. For instance, Bill had a very sweet
and generous side to him when not being a bully - a side Ann
could learn to focus on to survive the unpleasant times.
* Be confident and look your bully in the eye. Speak in a calm
and clear voice while asserting yourself by naming the behavior
you don't like and state what is expected instead.
* Create a distraction or change the subject. Try using humor or
a well chosen word to disarm the bully.
* Give the bully's ego what it needs. For instance, Ann learned
to praise Bill more and give him more credit and acknowledgement
for things he did do well. While this tactic is a little
manipulatory, it nevertheless worked well to decrease the number
of times Bill bullied her. And it allowed Ann to survive a
difficult situation.
2005