Climbing the Listening Ladder
I wrote in my book " Embracing the Mystery " that there was
nothing as flattering or as rare as the undivided attention of
another. The fact is that people just don't listen well. I think
it was Mark Twain who wrote that a bore is someone who wants to
talk about himself when I want to talk about myself. How many
times have you experienced someone asking you a question, not
out of a genuine concern for what you have to say, but rather as
an opportunity for them to flood you with their thoughts and
opinions on an issue?
People have a hunger to be listened to- to have someone care
enough to suspend their own agenda in the interest of another's.
Sadly, such unselfish, attentive people are few..
I once had a man at a party come up to me and say that my wife,
Carol was a terrific conversationalist. On the way home that
same evening I told Carol what he had said and asked her what
she did to give him that impression. She thought for a moment
and said, " All I did was ask him questions about his life and
listen to his answers. From his answers I asked more questions."
Therein lies the secret to good conversation ...LISTENING WELL.
>From Carol's insight I have developed what I call the listening
ladder. Climb the listening ladder and you will be on your way
to improved social interaction.
THE LISTENING LADDER
L. Look at the person speaking to you.. This alone sends out the
message that you are focussed and involved.
A. Ask additional questions flowing from answers given to your
original starting questions. Remember that you learn what to say
by listening to what has been said.
D. Don't interrupt. The only time an interruption is acceptable
is when you require clarification.
D. Don't change the subject. The speaker will indicate when they
are finished their story.
E. Empathize with the speaker. Short phrases such as, " How
interesting." How exciting." " You must be so proud." Send the
speaker the message that you are an empathic, caring listener.
R. Respond to what is said verbally and non-verbally. A simple
nod or leaning slightly toward the speaker indicates interest
and attention. Add to this such phrases as, " I see." "Really?"
" Is that right?" and you enrich your response.
In conclusion I want to make something clear. Conversation is a
two way affair. Most conversations are monologues conducted in
the presence of an observer. If, after a reasonable period of
time, the one speaking isn't willing to ask you a question and
become a listener then conclude the interaction and move on. I
usually give the one speaking ten minutes. If, after that time,
they haven't asked me a question or my opinion I say something
like, " It was nice chatting with you. Conversation MUST be
reciprocal.
I like the story of the self-possessed Hollywood star who was
heard saying to an admirer, "Enough about me talking about me.
I'd like to hear you talk about me for awhile." There is a great
deal of truth in this little story.
Good luck climbing the Listening ladder. The view from the top
is fantastic.