Don't Worry or Doubt, Check It Out!
"Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all
advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows"
Ben Stein
Life would be difficult without the blessing of significant
relationships as an integral part of our lifestyle. However
although relationships can be the source of much joy and
happiness, they also can frequently be a source of pain, stress,
conflict and anxiety. It is a sad factor that when we have a
close relationship the openness and vulnerability that we share
with that person has the ability to bring both happiness and
also pain.
There is a natural response when we feel hurt to protect
ourselves from being hurt again. Frequently this protection
involves creating a wall around the heart, distancing the
emotions to avoid pain. This very act may well protect a person
from feeling more pain, and keep it at bay, but also means
shutting out the potential of enjoyment in the relationship as
well. A wall keeps out both good and bad!
Unfortunately it is a fact that too many people become detached
from potentially meaningful relationships through
misunderstanding and assumptions about the other person. The
reality is we can never fully know a person and understand them,
and often we see things from a totally different perspective,
and even speak a different emotional language. A tone of voice,
a look, or a comment can easily be misinterpreted, and our
response is to feel hurt or offended. If this happens it is all
too easy to into a pattern of assuming and responding to that
assumption until the whole incident becomes a large issue.
How does this situation occur? The basic problem arises from the
fact that people are afraid of what they don't know. They assume
facts that may not in reality exist, and then build prejudices
around those assumptions. Bad decisions are then made based on
those assumptions, on rumors, other people's opinions or
perceived behaviour.
Many of these situations could have been non events, if time had
been taken to check out the actual facts. If a person is aware
of the actual facts about a situation, person, problem or
opportunity, then decisions can be made based on what is real
rather than what is being perceived. "There may be some
substitute for hard facts, but if there is, I have no idea what
it could be." J. Paul Getty
For example, I go to a social function and meet my friend. She
has a scowl on her face, seems aloof and practically ignores me
and my efforts at friendly conversation. It would be easy for me
assume that she is mad at me, and spend a lot of energy
wondering what I had done to upset her. I may start tiptoeing
around her anticipating a blow up. A healthier alternative for
our relationship would be to say "You don't look happy, what's
going on?" By checking out what the real facts are I will either
discover whether I really did do something wrong, or that
something has happened that I don't know about that is totally
unrelated to me. Either way I am in a better position to help
lighten her mood as I know the actual facts.
When communication issues occur in a relationship the best way
to find out the truth is to ask questions to discover what the
other person actually means. What a person means can be very
different from an interpretation from your different
perspective. Sometimes people may make a statement, and not tell
you the reasons why they said it. This can lead to a minefield
of speculation and assumptions. This can often happen when
communicating with men. A man tends to answer questions with a
'yes' or 'no', (or a brief response) and not give any
explanation for his position. Women are more likely to give
reasons. So by asking questions such as 'Do you mean......' you
will get more clarity and will not be left wondering what is
going on.
It does take more commitment to the relationship to push through
communication difficulties and not rely on assumptions. We
prefer to not speak or confront when we sense an atmosphere, or
feel hurt by a comment. However if you keep to the adage 'When
in doubt, Check it out' and push through those uncomfortable
feelings you will reap the benefits in the relationship. Your
relationship will become stronger and you will gain a greater
understanding and appreciation of each other. So......... Don't
doubt, Check it out!