If You'll ... Then I'll ...
Fill in the blanks in the above sentence however you want.
Have you heard this often?
Do you say it often?
Do you think it often?
This simple sentence is a contract that is often unconsciously
created with people, and it can have a disastrous effect on your
life.
Just the other day, a friend was telling me about her husband
and the fact they had a weekend together without the children.
She was telling me that if he brought her flowers and took her
out for dinner, then she would feel loved and cared for.
Guess what, he didn't buy her flowers or take her out for
dinner. He decided to sit in and read the new Harry Potter book!
And I wonder if you can guess how she felt?
That's right. She felt rejected, unloved, unhappy and had a
generally miserable weekend.
And of course, he was oblivious to all this and had no idea what
he had done wrong!
Everyone creates unconscious contracts, from childhood through
to adulthood. You create conditions which rely on other people
to perform certain actions in order for you to feel certain
emotions.
In fact, you often create the contracts with people and then
don't even tell them about it!!!
How on earth are they meant to meet these conditions if they are
not even aware of them in the first place?
"If you do ... then I will feel ..."
"If you don't do ... then I will be ..."
I witnessed a mother shouting at her son in the supermarket the
other day, "If you don't behave then no one will like you".
What a fantastic contract to put on a kid ... NOT!
What effect do you think saying something like that could have
on a child?
Or even an adult?
You cannot make anyone else do anything; you can't force people
to do things that meet your conditions. You have no control over
anyone else.
The only person you can control is yourself.
If you are going to make these contracts with people, then tell
them. You'll discover your relationships improve immensely
because of it. Also, you may find these contracts are met more
often because at least by being aware of it, the other person
can attempt to meet it.
Watch yourself and see how often you say, "If you ... then I
...." to yourself. What effect does this have on your life? Do
these contracts make your life better or worse?
Stop making these contracts that make you unhappy and start
making contracts that make you feel great and improve your life.
What if you had a contract with everyone that said something
like, "If you are yourself and do whatever you do, harming none,
then I'll like you"?
Do you think that would make you feel better?
Removing these contracts allows you to practise acceptance. You
can accept people for who and what they are and what they do. It
allows you to get on with these people better, stops you judging
them and stops you from allowing them to hurt you.
Accept the people around you for who and what they are and
remove the contracts that you used to have. You will find that
your quality of life improves because you are not being allowing
them to hurt you any more.