Creating Intimate Connections: Genuine Listening Makes All the
Difference
How many times have you been talking away, wrapped up in a
conversation, sharing something important, meaningful or
revealing about yourself only to realize that the person you are
talking with has drifted away and is obviously somewhere else?
And, if you tell the truth, haven't you done the very same thing
yourself? What does it take for us to really hear what someone
else is saying to us about themselves?
Genuine connections begin with deep listening. And satisfying
communication requires us to be fully present for each other and
to really hear what is being offered up. For most of us deep
listening does not come naturally. In fact life experience often
trains our natural deep listening abilities right out of us.
There are many ways that our ability to hear someone else
becomes blocked. Once we know about these blocks we have a much
better chance of releasing them and cultivating more satisfying
habits. Here are three of common ways we undermine the quality
of communication in our relationships.
Three Common Communication Blocks
1. We listen for what needs fixing, changing or figuring out.
Many of us learned very early in life to look and listen for
problems. We are quick to notice what is not working and what is
wrong. We are busy analyzing and sorting for what is not right.
Our perspective distorts our listening abilities.
2. We listen for opportunities to share our own wisdom,
knowledge and competence. We are busy listening to the running
commentary inside our own head while someone else is talking to
us.
3. We assume that we know what words and sentences are coming
next. Often we have moved on long before our partners' sharing
is complete. We have lost our curiosity, the ability to be open
with wonder about another human being.
Being fully present for another is an art that can be
cultivated. The following antidotes will give you some clues
about how to go about this.
The Antidotes
1. See others as whole and complete right from the start. Know
that everyone has a source of internal wisdom and intelligence
that they can access for their own answers and guidance.
This might feel like a big leap at first. When people are
telling us their "problems" we automatically assume that they
want us to do something about them. But there are many times
when the greatest gift we can give to others is our confidence
in their own abilities to find solutions for themselves. Granted
this is not always the case and in some situations, when advice
is clearly sought and asked for there is nothing wrong with
offering help. But often we interfere when quiet listening would
serve the most.
2. Give up trying to impress others with your brilliance and be
fully present for them instead. The fact that you know things
and have gifts and talents is without question. Everybody does.
If you want to create genuine connections with others, forget
about your self and get curious about them instead.
3. Be curious and approach each communication - whether with
someone you have just met or someone you have been married to
for thirty years, with fresh eyes of wonder. We change and so do
our friends, children and partners. When you think you already
know everything there is to know about another person the
adventure of intimacy begins to falter.
You can create genuine intimate connections by looking for
wholeness, focusing fully on the other person and cultivating
ongoing curiosity. Listen in this way and notice how the loving
feelings between you and others blossom.