How to Find the Right Man for You
Sarah Wilson, a dog trainer, was recently interviewed in a
magazine article in reference to her master's thesis which is
about women and their dogs. She feels that what women are
intuitively attracted to in a dog are the same things she'll
enjoy in a mate. (I'm sure this applies to men as well, but
she's studying women.) Why would you choose a live-in companion
you're incompatible with?
Wilson surveyed a lot of women and found they described their
men and their dogs similarly. She described her own husband and
dogs as "rugged, protective, funny and intelligent." "I'm not a
fan of fawning in man or beast," she added.
TESTING FOR TEMPERAMENT
To find out about a puppy's temperament she recommends stressing
the animal. "Response to stress," Wilson says, "is pretty basic
- hard to change in a person or a dog."
There are those who would say when you're stressed the "true
you" comes out, but here at EQ Central, we know it's just the
"stressed you" that comes out. We recommend a long courtship so
you can find out how your honey reacts to stress. It is hard to
change, but it can be tempered if you're willing to work on your
EQ. We're always in process and one gift of intimate
relationships is the gift of becoming a "better you." But it's
good to glimpse the primal state.
The good news, as well as the bad news, is that you can't date
someone long without seeing them under stress these days. (Keep
in mind if you're dating again at midlife, one of the things
that makes us able to tolerate stress well is being in a stable,
loving relationship. Coupled with the fact that dating itself is
stressful, subtract a few points from the intensity of their
stress-reaction. Men are particularly looney when unattached and
can change sometimes dramatically when reconnected again. Give
it time, because time will tell.)
HOW DOES HE REACT TO STRESS?
Stress calls up the reptilian brain - the fight or flight. So
let's look at puppy options. We stress the puppy and here are
some of the things it might do:
1. Run and hide under the bed. 2. Shake and urinate on the
floor. 3. Lock in position and bark incessantly. 4. Turn over on
its back, in the submissive position, legs in the air, and
whimper. 5. Snarl at you, snap or bite. 6. Bite itself, like
that nervous self-chewing. 7. Neither extremely submissive nor
extremely dominant, sitting back reflectively on its haunches
and looking at you curiously (the doggie equivalent of talking
it out).
People have analogous reactions, so name your poison
(eliminating the obvious extremes no on could live with). All
couples fight, and we all fight over the same things - money,
sex, the kids, housework, and from H.A.L.T. - when one or both
of them is too hungry, angry, lonely or tired.
What separates the winning relationships from the losing
relationships is when the couple has good conflict resolution
skills, able to soothe one another instead of escalate. In the
ideal world, we would like our partner to remain calm but
engaged, acknowledge our feelings and work for a peaceful
solution to the problem. Most of us humans manage to do that
sometimes. Whether your potential partner pouts, shouts or outs,
are they aware of what's going on and invested in improving your
relationship?
A WOMAN AND HER DOG
To test her theory, I thought back on dogs I've owned and what
worked and what didn't. Since I had sons, I chose the dogs with
the kids in mind, but there were two I choose mostly for myself
within that parameter.
Booty was a Siberian husky. Like Wilson, I'm not big on fawning.
I was also tired of droopy-eared dogs (the smell, the
medication), vacuuming dog hair and listening to the boys
sneeze, needed a dog I could pick up if necessary, and one that
was good with kids. Booty fit the bill; probably the best breed
in terms of allergies, no shedding, and they're known for being
protective of children. Huskies are also silent, like wolves. In
other words, what I like is low maintenance, sociable but not
desperate, protective of loved ones, and quiet. I loved her
beauty, too, but that's not something I must have, it's a
values-added extra.
However, the one I loved the most, was Texas John, a little
Heinz 57 my son brought home. He was just a character - spunky,
low maintenance, full of personality, and endearing - witness
that he chewed a hole in my mink coat and lived to chew again.
Though he was little, he was no lap dog. He held his own in a
busy household (even the cat was bigger than he was). He was
extremely stress tolerant. He managed never to get stepped on,
and wasn't nervous or yappy. These are things I like in a man --
independent, tough, steady nerves, and low maintenance, yet
captivating. He had a swagger. In fact we sometimes referred to
that little dog as "manly."
But here's what I liked best about him. We had 3 dogs at the
time. Shy Nell, a stray my son brought home from college, Woody,
a Basset, my other son's choice, and then Weejums. In the
morning when it was time to leave, I would go get 3 pieces of
bread. Shy Nell and Woody would immediately come running. I
would lead them to the back door with the bread, open the door,
throw the bread out, and out they would go. Then I'd shut the
door. Shy Nell would turn around, look at the door indignantly,
surprised each time - "She threw me out! She shut the door!"
Woody? As my son often said, "He's not a dog, Mom. He's a
hound." It's debatable what he ever figured out!
And Texas John? When I got the bread out, Texas John headed for
the bedroom and got under my bed, in the very middle, where I
couldn't reach him without a broomstick. He was the smartest dog
we ever had, but there's something else in the equation. Perhaps
a bit of Wilson's "funny" (Texas John made ma laugh) along with
"not necessarily intimidated by me." Whatever it is, when I meet
the man who has it, I'll be home free!
THE SHIFT
I think it's a good theory! Think about it. Also that Wilson
believes women who take their dogs to dog training sort out
their emotional needs and there's a "shift." (Not all women need
to take their dogs to dog training.) After all, we don't call
our dog successfully by saying, "Oh, please come here ... would
you mind? ... I mean if you want to and it's not too much
trouble ... oh never mind, I see you're busy ... " We say,
"Come." And then we reward the dog, and he happily does it more
and better.
Wilson says that after all these years, when she begins her
training sessions, which are usually all women, she says, "Warn
your boyfriend, warn your boss, warn your husband. It's ALL
going to shift."
It has to do with your EQ - clarity of purpose, intent, and the
skills to execute it.