Are You Too Nice For Your Own Good?
Are you too nice? How can anyone be "too nice"? Isn't being
"nice" a good quality to have in a relationship?
If you are someone who always puts the needs of others first,
and your own needs last, you may be too nice for your own good.
When niceness is a sign of genuine respect, kindness and
interest in another, it is a wonderful quality to have. When the
"niceness" is a by-product of low self-esteem, passivity, or
desperate loneliness, it can be a liability, and can make other
people feel uneasy.
Have you ever met a person who never expresses their real
preferences, opinions, or desires, even in the smallest matters?
When someone asks them, "Where do you want to go tonight?" they
reply, "I don't care, anything is fine with me, where do you
want to eat?"
A person who won't state their opinion or preference may think
they are being nice, but this is not niceness, this is a form of
fearfulness, and a lack of self-respect.
Some people develop the trait of never asking for what they want
because they were raised in a family where expressing wants or
opinions was discouraged, or even disallowed. They may have been
literally taught that they shouldn't speak up, that they
shouldn't want anything for themselves, and that everyone else's
opinion mattered more than theirs did.
A child who grew up in a family where they weren't allowed to
express their needs or opinions, may grow up believing that this
is how the whole world wants them to behave, even after they
have become adults. They may find it difficult to take the
initiative in any situation involving other people. They may
feel uncomfortable or fearful expressing their desires. They may
even feel they are being "bad" if they ask for anything.
Although they may think that being extremely passive and
refusing to make decisions is their way of "being nice", it
isn't always fun having a person who is this self-effacing as a
friend.
It can be tiring for the other person in the friendship to have
to make every decision just because their passive friend won't
make any. In relationships that are healthy and satisfying, both
people share responsibility equally when making plans and
decisions. If you believe that being nice means never asking for
anything for yourself, it's important to learn to pay attention
to your needs, to respect yourself, and to ask for what you want
and need. Take your turn making decisions with others. Make your
needs and preferences heard. If you find your wishes are always
being ignored, take a close look at why this is happening and
see how you can change it.