Mid Life Crisis and the
One of the mainstays of American culture is the "Great American
Dream". Immigrants would uproot their families and leave their
homeland in the hopes of experiencing the freedom and
opportunity that awaits them in America. While it is true that
our Declaration of Independence states, "we are endowed by our
creator with certain alienable rights and among these are life,
liberty, and the pursuit of happiness", it was probably Horatio
Alger who did more to popularize the "American Dream". He wrote
more than 134 successful short novels targeting the rags - to -
riches theme. His theme was that if you were honest, worked
hard, had a strong determination, did your best and always tried
to do the right thing, you would succeed. Alger captured the
essence, emotion, soul and especially the spirit of an emerging
America. The association between happiness and success was
taking root in American culture.
As individuals we dream of becoming someone special or important
in society. We want to be successful and lead lives filled with
happiness and love. Our parents have instilled in us that we
could be anything we wanted to be. This process of dreaming is
healthy to our human development and helps stimulate us to
become productive members of society. It is also what separates
us from the other animals on the planet. We are the only specie
with the ability to think, rationalize and dream. Animals when
born, have encoded in their genes a very sharp instinct for
survival. When an animal senses the approach of danger a deeply
embedded instinct called the startle reflex is engaged. Once the
animal decides the danger has passed they release the response
and return to a relaxed natural state.
We as humans are equipped the same way with one exception, our
ability to imagine. We can imagine worlds in our minds that may
not yet or ever exist. In other words, we can dream of the
future. A dream is imagination coupled with desire and projected
into the future. We can protract worlds of bliss, success,
happiness or whatever we choose including danger and fear.
Dreaming comes natural to us. Each day of our lives we are in
pursuit of some dream.
Through our imagination we can engage our startle reflex as
well. Like a real event, whether we deem it to be positive or
negative, it can motivate or engage us to respond.
Unfortunately, we tend not to release our startle reflex and
return to a relaxed state especially where are imaginations are
concerned. We can allow our thoughts to be replayed over and
over. Our imaginations can run wild. On the positive side, when
we imagine or dream about our life's purposes or goals we are
able to relentlessly strive towards their fulfillment. However,
the more the dream is replayed, the more detailed it gets and
the more control it has of us.
So, what does the "American Dream" have to do with a mid life
crisis? Well that same positive imagination or dream can trick
us. Paul Tripp in his book, "Lost in the Middle" states, "I have
become convinced that life without the dream would become
unthinkable and unlivable. My sense of identity, purpose,
well-being, contentment, and satisfaction becomes directly
connected to the realization of the dream." As an ontological
coach I would say we are not having the dream; the dream is
having us. What happens in a mid life transition is something,
often an event, creates a break in the routine or busyness of
our lives. This event could be traumatic such as the death of a
family member or friend, a sudden illness or loss of a job. It
could also be subtle like the children leaving to go off to
college or to live on their own. Regardless, this break will
often cause in us a time of reflection.
As humans, we have to attribute meaning to our lives and quite
naturally we begin to reflect on the first half of our life.
Being rational and logical human beings we do the one thing that
makes the most sense, we pull out our dreams and expectations
(ours and others) for our life and begin to compare them to the
actual results. This is where reality intersects or collides
with our imagination. We make an interpretation or an assessment
of how well we have done. For some this reflection is very
positive and they will move into the second halves of their
lives with peace and hope. For others it can be very
disorienting and unsettling. They suffer from the collision of a
powerful awareness or interruption in the busyness or drift of
their life coupled with a powerful interpretation about where
they imagined or dreamed they should be in life versus reality.
This defines a mid life crisis.
So what can we do to help process this mid life crisis? Well
obviously each person is unique and the severity of a traumatic
experience plays a crucial role. However, as an ontological
coach I would at least begin by pursuing one critical element -
language. There are a few pieces to look at when as humans we
decide to make assessments of ourselves or give permission to
others to make assessments for us.
First, it is important to look at the difference between an
assessment and an assertion. In simplistic terms, an assertion
is a linguistic act or element of speech that can be verified or
accepted as true or false. In addition, if required we should be
able to produce evidence or substantiate our statement. An
assessment is our opinion or judgment. An example of an
assertion is John works for the Microsoft Co. If we deem this to
be true than we accept it as such or we could ask John to verify
his employment. If he produces that evidence we know the
statement to be true. An assessment would be that John works for
the best software company in the world, Microsoft. True he works
for Microsoft but whether it is the best software company in the
world is in the eye of the beholder. In other words, it is an
opinion or judgment. The problem occurs when we start to accept
assessments as assertions. Not only do we treat our own
assessments in this manner but also we grant authority to
others' assessments in the same way. They become the standards
by which we judge our self-worth and value in our world. This is
not to say assessments are not important. They are a fundamental
means by which we create a sense of order and certainty. They
enable us to develop a consistency in our observing and remove
us from the anxiety that can accompany uncertainty or a lack of
predictability in our lives. However, we must remember they are
judgments or opinions and need to be grounded as such. Grounding
is a method for establishing whether an assessment can be
substantiated or justified.
Thus the second thing is to ground the assessments we make or
others make about our lives. As far as a mid life crisis is
concerned this process should at least help us to gain a
perspective or softening of the collision between our dreams and
reality. This is a five-step process and can be attributed to
the many pioneers in the field of ontological coaching.
The first step is to ask yourself for what future purpose do I
hold these assessments or give them credence in my life. Whether
negative or positive how am I taking care of myself by making or
accepting this assessment? I personally held an assessment about
myself that I was not good enough. When I examined this
statement from the purpose of my future I realized it helped me
deal with my fear of success and failure. In other words, it
made it convenient to say why try since I know I am not good
enough. It became an excuse not to step out of my comfort zone
and engage my gifts and talents.
The second question is in which particular domain of action or
specific area of our life are we referring too when we make the
assessment? Is it in your role as parent, employee/ employer,
spouse, volunteer, etc? In my case I did not isolate my
assessment that I was not good enough to a particular domain. I
simply globalized it to my entire life. I was not good enough at
anything I do as a person. This would be the same as taking one
piano lesson and then declaring you are ready to perform at
Carnegie Hall and then when you are not invited to play simply
conclude that you are not good enough at anything you do.
The third part of the process is to ask by what or whose
standards do I make this assessment? Assessments always involve
a comparison to something. Often this comparison is made and we
are not even aware of it. The bigger issue here is not whether
we are making comparisons but how relevant or applicable are the
standards we choose. When we explore our standards, we often
find them rooted in our past history or culture. As in the case
of a mid life crisis we may find them rooted in our dreams or
imagination. The standards themselves can become mere judgments
or opinions. I can trace my assessment of being not good enough
back to when I was a ten-year-old boy. I was terrified and
thought the world was coming to an end during the US's showdown
with the USSR over the deployment of missiles to Cuba. I
remember looking around and wondering why no one else seemed as
terrified as I was about this event. In reality they probably
were all terrified but rather than ask I thought I was the only
one who was scared. That set a standard for me that lasted until
I was 52 years old and the result was an assessment that I
accepted as an assertion about myself.
The next step is to list what true assertions support the
assessment. This step was one of the most helpful for me. Before
taking this and the final step it would be helpful to develop a
biography of assertions about your life. By this I mean listing
only those events that have occurred, both positive and negative
but only list them by the facts not interpretations. For
instance, I was born on such date. I graduated from high school
on this date. I achieved this goal I set for myself. If you
don't know the exact date just estimate it. If you have been
fired from a job just list I was fired and provide any evidence
that could be substantiated, no opinions by others or yourself.
The key is to bring reality into your life. In my case, because
I deemed myself not good enough I was always striving to prove
this assessment wrong. The problem was no matter what I did it
did not, in my opinion, prove good enough. When I looked at my
biography of assertions I could not find one assertion that
supported my assessment. I was overwhelmed and in tears over
what I had truly accomplished in my life.
The final step is to simply list from your biography of
assertions which ones are against the assessment you are making.
Alan Sieler in his book, "Coaching to the Human Soul" claims
that, "grounding assessments can be likened to reaching verdicts
and part of the process of reaching verdicts is to weigh the
evidence both for and against the argument, or
assessment...Grounding assessments - be they self - assessments
or assessments of others - is about being rigorous and
accountable with our opinions."
Can this method of grounding assessments lift you from the
throes of a mid life crisis? Chances are, depending on your
circumstances, a lot more work is going to be required. However,
it can start to bring some reality back into your life and allow
the process of transition move forward. On the other hand, it
certainly broke me out of a life long belief that dictated my
interaction with the world around me.
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