"What's Really Underneath Jealousy in Relationships"
When the subject of jealousy comes up for many people, it's
usually thought to be a challenge between a couple in an
intimate relationship which involves a third party.
We know that jealousy can be about much more than that and
here's why . . .
You can be jealous of other people's things, their success,
their beauty, their athletic prowess, their relationship, their
kids, their education, their money, and their life. It can be a
tiny feeling in your gut or it can be an overwhelming sensation
that drive you to say and do things that you wouldn't do
otherwise.
Jealousy can creep in when you least expect it and it's always a
signal to look within and discover what's underneath it.
In fact, jealousy is almost never just about the jealousy itself
and what seems to be happening on the surface. It's usually
about whatever is lurking underneath that needs to be uncovered
and dealt with.
One thing we know from our own experiences and from the
experiences of our clients is that the first step to changing
anything in your life is first to become aware of your feelings
and the reasons why you want to change.
If jealousy isn't an issue in your life, you can substitute any
feeling that holds you back from creating and having the
relationships that you want.
These are feelings that separate you from other people and build
walls between the two of you. These feelings may be anger, fear,
sadness, or anything else that close you down and don't allow
connection with those you love.
Once you become aware of your feelings, you have a choice to
make:
1. Either you can stuff your feelings and deny that they are
there until they become so big that you are forced to deal with
them, or
2. You can acknowledge what you are feeling and make the
commitment that you are ready to have another experience in your
life and are willing to do what it takes to heal that part of
yourself.
When it comes to jealousy, no matter how it shows up in your
life, it doesn't go away until it is acknowledged and there is a
strong desire to do whatever is necessary to change and heal it.
Here's a quick example of how jealousy can manifest itself and a
couple of tips for getting to the bottom of it.
One of our coaching clients, Joan, found herself being jealous
of a bright, attractive new female employee in her office.
Joan kept denying her feelings about this new co-worker and
found that at home, she was irritable with her husband and was
snapping at her kids more than usual.
She really knew that she had to do something about her jealousy
when she made an uncharacteristic sarcastic remark when the new
employee launched an idea in one of their sales meetings.
Joan committed to finding out where her jealous feelings were
coming from. She took some time alone to get quiet and feel what
she was feeling and put words to those feelings.
Then she asked herself some questions like "Why do I feel
threatened?" "What am I fearing will happen? and "What does this
feeling remind me of?"
She wrote her answers as she asked herself these questions and
she was able to get a glimpse of what she needed to heal within
herself.
If you are having challenges with jealousy or any other strong
emotion that could potentially wreck your relationships, we
invite you to look underneath and see what the real problem is.
Then you can commit to working on and healing these challenges
and committing to making some changes for the better in your
life.