How To Help A Stressed Or Depressed Loved One
I receive many emails from concerned relatives, partners and
friends who are trying to help a loved one suffering the torment
of a stressful or depressive episode. Sometimes, it's easy to
forget that people who love us are also affected by these
illnesses and may find it difficult to understand what's
happening. They want to help, but just don't know what to do for
the best.
Having lived with a depressed partner for 3 years and suffered
anxiety and depression for 5 years, I've experienced both sides.
In this article, I'll show you exactly what you can do - and,
what you shouldn't do - to help your loved one.
1. Please, however frustrated you feel, please never say to a
depressed or stressed person: "Come on, snap out of it. What
have you got to be worried or sad about anyway. People have it
much worse than you." Please understand that these illnesses
cannot be "snapped out of." You wouldn't say this to someone
with high blood pressure or pneumonia because you know it isn't
that simple. Stress, depression and anxiety are real illnesses
that have specific causes. Asking someone to snap out of it
makes that person feel inadequate or that they're doing
something wrong. Absolutely not so. Comparing their
circumstances to people who are suffering greater hardship is no
use either. I couldn't have given two hoots about other people
when I was ill because their circumstances meant nothing to me.
I was struggling to solve my own problems and couldn't see
anything else. Knowing that others are starving, are terminally
ill, or suffer in squalor didn't matter a jot because they
didn't make my problems go away. One more thing about such
statements: they confront the sufferer with their illness and
they put pressure on them. This will cause sufferers to retreat
further and further into their own world. Better is to offer
love and support: "I'm always here if you need me or want to
talk." And 3 little words can mean so much: "I love you." I
didn't hear them for 3 years and believe me, I missed them so
very much.
2. As a loved one, it is totally natural to want to understand
what is happening. Many loved ones conduct research into these
illnesses to develop understanding. Nothing wrong with that
whatsoever. However, a problem can arise if you start to impose
your knowledge on the sufferer. This happens when you observe
certain behaviors and habits performed by sufferers and comment
on why they are behaving in such a way. For example, you hear a
sufferer put themselves down, so you say "That's a part of your
illness. I've been reading about it and self-deprecation is one
of the reasons why people become depressed. You need to stop
putting yourself down." Again, this is confrontational and puts
the sufferer under pressure. All they'll do is dismiss your
comments and clam up whenever you're around as they'll feel
they're being scrutinised. A better way is to challenge them
very gently by reminding them of a time when they did something
good. For example, you hear a sufferer say: "I'm useless, I
never get anything right." You can say "Sure you do, hey,
remember the time when you...". Do you see the difference in
approach? The first is more like a doctor assessing a patient,
the second is just a normal, natural conversation and doesn't
mention stress, depression or anxiety. This is very, very
helpful as it shifts focus from a bad event: "I'm useless..." to
a good one: "remember when.." without exerting pressure.
3. Finally, you may find a resource - a book, a video, a
supplement etc. - that you think will help someone to beat their
illness. Perfectly natural. But there's a problem. It confronts
the sufferer with their illness and puts them under pressure to
do something about it. The result of this will be resentment
followed by retreat into their own world. Isolation is a part of
these illnesses. Sometimes, you just can't bear to be around
people. My ex-partner used to sleep in a dark room for an entire
weekend because she just couldn't handle anyone being around
her. "I bore people, I've nothing to say of interest and I don't
want anyone asking me how I'm feeling. I just want to be on my
own." I know, it cuts you to ribbons when you hear such words
from someone you care deeply about. But please, you must resist
the urge to DIRECTLY give them a resource you think will help
them. For someone to emerge from these illnesses, they have to
make the decision themselves. A direct offer will more often
than not be refused. So, if you find something you think will
help, leave it lying around somewhere your loved one will find
it. The idea here is for them to CHOOSE by themselves to
investigate further. Such an INDIRECT approach is more effective
because once again, there is no pressure, no reminder, no
confrontation. It is the sufferer who takes a willing first step
towards recovery.
It is so hard to understand and reach loved ones when they're
caught up in these illnesses but please believe me, these ideas
are very effective and they will help.
Until next time.