The 7 Emotional Phases of Divorce
Divorce, though often an ugly process, isn't always an
emotional death sentence, and regardless of who we are, or what
we do, we all go through the same emotional turmoil to varying
degrees when it comes to divorce.
At first, going through the divorce process feels as though
you've taken a size 12 steel toe to the gut (that feeling goes
away, trust me). But there are typically 7 emotional phases that
we go through;
The first phase is Shock. Most times, especially when infidelity
is the cause of the divorce, the first reaction by the
'innocent' party is shock. The impulse is to do absolutely
nothing. Yet. :)
The second phase is Anger. Once you get over the shock of being
emotionally discarded, anger sets in. The brain at this time,
tries to come up with a way of paying back. In this phase, the
anger was so intense for me, that I just couldn't do it. Payback
had to wait until I could think more clearly. Find a way to get
rid of the anger. I took up kick boxing, which worked wonders. I
brought a picture of my ex to class, and taped it to the heavy
bag. I punched and kicked the living daylights atta' that thing,
and MAN!...What an awesome feeling! Not to mention the rush I
got watching everyone else in the class kicking and punching
him. :)
The third phase is Betrayal. Feelings of "how could he do this
to me? After all we've been through..." are very common. Every
woman that I've spoken with regarding this topic, admits to
having a generous dose of betrayal for breakfast, lunch and
dinner during her divorce.
The fourth phase is Sadness and Feelings of Loss. You'll mourn
for happier days. Days when your emotional security was intact.
It's perfectly alright to mourn for the loss of these things,
but also good to realize that those days are gone, and that
you're going to make new happy memories without him.
The fifth phase? Apprehension. Especially for women. Stay at
home moms in particular. Now that he's gone, can you do this on
your own? How are you going to be able to pay the bills? How are
you going to feed the kids? Are you able to get a job? You've
been out of the work force for xx years now, and who's going to
hire you? Very common, and all legitimate concerns. But they
don't have to be a huge deal. Sit down, take a deep breath, grab
a java, make a few lists. What can you do? Write them down. Now,
what can you do (legally), that someone would be willing to pay
for? Think about the possibility of starting your own business
as opposed to hitting the pavement in the jobsearch jungle.
The sixth phase is Self Pity. Why me? What did I do to deserve
this? What's wrong with me? Go through this phase quickly. Then
squash it. Stuff happens. Your duty now is not to worsen your
emotional situation. Work through the self pity. Talk to a
friend, but don't whine about it too often, or you'll find in a
short time, that your friends don't return your calls. I just
had a friend go through that, but she realized what it was about
her that was keeping the people that she called friends from
calling her back. She's changed it. (We're having coffee this
morning :).
And last but definitely not least is Revenge :) This was a fun
phase for me. I'm not saying that revenge is always a good
thing, but when someone's done you wrong, sometimes it's
necessary. If you're feeling a bit vengeful toward your ex (or
soon to be 'ex'), remember not to physically hurt anyone. I've
told you that I maxxed out his credit card a couple of times,
and there's always the other type of revenge...the revenge that
he doesn't even realize that you've got on him :). It makes you
feel better, more easily able to move on, and you haven't harmed
anyone physically (though in the Anger stage, that's probably
all you think about).
There's no limit on the time that it takes you to go through
these phases. Take your time, but once you've done them, DON'T
GO BACK. When it's done, it's done. Live your life. Move on.
You'll feel a thousand times better than you did at the
beginning.
Martinis for Everyone!
Debbie Burgin