Divorce Actually Makes Us Stronger
My friends call me the "Divorce Poster Child".
At the age of 20 I was married, and by 22 I had our first child.
My husband was away at work every weekday, so it was just myself
and the baby, keeping each other company from seven in the
morning, until five thirty in the evening, every weekday.
Eventually (7 years later), my husband and I found ourselves
with three children, and life was extremely hectic, with both of
us now working in the same industry. We worked for the same
company (his company), and he was still away at work every day,
while I managed to work from home for his company, and took care
of the house and the kids.
We worked apart, as do most couples, for the duration of our
marriage, and our relationship got to the point where, when we
were together, we had very little to talk about besides the
kids, and work. Eventually, there was even less to talk about,
because it would seem that my ex-husband to be, was getting more
and more distant. I sensed the distance, and sat him down and
had the following conversation with him, "If you're feeling like
you want to be a single man, and you want to be doing the things
that your single friends do, please do me a favor; don't go
behind my back, and sneak around because you want to be with
someone else. Don't let me do all of the detective work that I
see those poor women on T.V. having to go through before finding
out that their husbands are cheating on them. You know me better
than that. If that's what you want, then go. Let's cut our
losses now, and do it amicably." To which he replied, "I would
NEVER do that! I don't want to be single. I love you guys. What
would make you say that??"
Apparently, at about the same time that we had that
conversation, my ex-husband was slowly and quietly developing
younger woman syndrome, and eventually decided that he actually
would rather be a single man (and the detective work that I
mentioned in our conversation? I did it all). So, to make a very
long story, somewhat shorter, I wasn't about to leave the home
that I raised my children in, so I told him, "There's the door.
See ya!" (That's the Coles' notes version.)
We've been divorced for four and a half years now. I went
through many phases. The first was definitely blinding anger,
followed closely (actually overlapped) by betrayal, which came
before overwhelming sadness and feelings of failure, which were
replaced by apprehension. Apprehension stepped aside to welcome
self-pity. Major self pity. But self-pity was quickly replaced
by revenge. I went on a spending spree, maxxing out his credit
card twice (he was not happy, but oh well ). Each stage came
with it's own set of ups and downs. I was beset by everything
from uncontrollable crying, to unexplainable joy, to periods of
quiet reflection.
I completely believe that I was meant to go through each of
those phases. I've learned so many incredible things about
myself because of this experience. I have friends and
acquaintances who are going through the same things at this very
moment, who (I'm flattered to say), come to me for advice, or
merely need an ear, and it surprises me to hear them saying that
they're having the exact feelings and thoughts that I had in the
various stages of my journey. It also pleases me to say that
there is nothing wrong with these phases. There were times when
I thought that I was completely loopy. But we all go through
them. I found that mine were therapeutic, and in hindsight,
educational. I honestly believe that we're meant to learn
something from each phase. I learned that I'm much stronger than
I thought I was. I learned this when apprehension came to visit
me. I learned that I have a lot more patience than I ever
thought I could have. I learned that I CAN be the bigger person
(when I have to be). I learned that as long as I take care of
myself, my children do wonderfully. I have full custody of 3
children, and I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I could
do this on my own. Don't get me wrong, "the ex" is a regular
visitor in my children's lives, we're not best friends, but I'm
okay with that. My task has been to grasp the lesson that what
he did wasn't about ME. It was his mess. It was his mental and
emotional mess. There was nothing wrong with me.
I'm happy with my life, and with who I am at the end of the
entire divorce process. I'm running my own business
(www.DebbieBurgin.com), and for the first time in my life, I'm
in complete control of every aspect of my life. My children are
happy. If I want to eat Frosted Flakes for breakfast, lunch and
dinner, I can do so without having anyone berate me for it. If I
want to spend an outrageous amount of money on a pair of amazing
shoes, I will without a second (unwelcomed) opinion (Mr. Visa
loves me). And last but absolutely NOT LEAST, I don't have
anyone looking down their nose as they ask me "What did you do
all day?" when they get home from work.
All's wonderful in my world. I truly believe that my divorce
made me a much stronger person. I proudly bear the title
"Divorce Poster Child". I think I just might put that on a tee
shirt.
Debbie Burgin.
Copyright 2005 Debbie Burgin