Forgiving the Unforgiveable
Forgiving the Unforgivable How many years are you going to
carry that unforgivable injury? How many years are you going to
be controlled by it? How painful is it to carry this pain? What
is it costing you? What are the payoffs for holding onto it?
When you get sick and tired of carrying this, you'll make the
choice to let it go and to forgive that person for hurting you.
The results will be indescribable. Let me start off by telling
you a little bit about what forgiveness is not. The most
important thing for me to remember is that forgiveness is does
NOT mean that what the injurer did is right. It does not mean
that you are letting them off the hook for their behavior. It
odes not mean that you have to disassociate from that person.
It's not done for the injurer. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness
is a conscious choice that we make for ourselves. It is a choice
that we make to not allow those that have hurt us to have power
over us. Not only is it important for us to forgive those people
who have harmed us, I have found that it is essential for me to
forgive myself as well. Usually it's me that is my own worst
enemy. Now that we have identified what forgiveness is and is
not, it's time to look at just how do we make that conscious
choice. Step One: Identify the Injury Of course, in order to
forgive someone, we have to identify the injury and the pain it
caused. Below is a list of several questions to ask yourself in
order to help you identify the people YOU need to forgive. With
each person who has hurt you in life, answer the following
questions: 1. What has the injury cost you? 2. How is carrying
the pain and anger working for you? 3. What is the payoff for
carrying the pain and anger? 4. What would it be like to let
this go? Step Two: Validating Your Feelings When I went through
the process of forgiving the people that have hurt me, the most
important step for me was to understand that even though I am
choosing to forgive and let go, it doesn't invalidate the way I
feel. It was absolutely essential for me to validate my own
feelings and to tell myself that those feelings were okay to
have. I didn't think that validating my feelings would make such
a big difference in making the choice to forgive. When I knew
that my feelings about the injury were very real, it took the
power away from the fear that I felt about letting go of the
injury. Step Three: Asking for Guidance Asking for guidance in
making the decision to forgive was huge for me. I knew in my
heart that I couldn't overcome this alone. I found people that
understood where I was coming from. They may not have been
through the exact same situation, but they understood my
feelings. Those people had to be safe for me, and trustworthy.
The support that they offered me was instrumental in my
forgiveness. You don't ever have to go through anything alone.
For me the people that I went to for support were people who had
gone through this process before me. They knew my fears, they
knew my hurt and pain, and they could walk through it with me
because they've been there themselves. Step Four: Admit that the
injurer is sick During this process, it allows you to see the
person who has hurt you through a new pair of glasses. It allows
you to have empathy for the person rather than be angry with
them. It truly is a heart-healer. When I admitted that the
person who abused me was just like a diabetic or someone who has
cancer, it gave my heart satisfaction to really understand that
the reason for the injury was because they were ill. It was at
this point that I began the healing process. Step Five: Look to
see if YOU have a part This was another key area in the process
of forgiveness. It was important for me to make sure that my
side of the street was clean. The Twelve Step programs really
push their members to clean up all of their wrongs. When I
identified my part in my abuse, it was another step towards not
allowing it to happen again and to taking away the anger from
what happened to me. Step Six: Putting it Behind Me The Lion
King has a famous saying that I absolutely love. I'm not sure
what character it was that said this, but he said, "You gotta
put the behind past you," rather than, "You gotta put the past
behind you." How true is it? If we want to move on with our
lives, we must put the past behind us. If I keep looking at
yesterday, then I'm totally missing out on today. And when I am
looking at something that happened 10 years ago, then how many
today's have I missed. Step Seven: Choosing to Forgive This is
probably the hardest step in forgiveness. It is very empowering
though to realize that we have a choice. We can either choose to
allow our anger over the past to control us or we can choose to
forgive and move on so that we can have the life that we've
always longed for. When we are so angry and are carrying so much
pain, I describe it as a backpack full of stones. In the back
pack are stones labeled anger, fear, jealousy, depression,
etc.... How heavy is it to carry all of the stones around with
you? Aren't you ready to put them down yet? The only way for us
to put down that backpack is by making the choice to forgive.
Are you ready to make that choice today? Author: Lynne Kaska
copyright (C) May '05