Make Your Life Easier
Have you read the Art of War?' someone asked me once. Fighting
someone to get your way is definitely a valid strategy. But you
don't need me to tell you about that one - we've all been
arguing and manipulating to get our own way since we were born!
And you may have noticed - often when you push, the other person
pushes back! Wars have been fought, relationships lost, and many
ulcers create with this kind of energy. This article is about
the opposite approach - the art of fun surrender!
Now many people who know me know I'm not usually the first
person to use this approach! In fact I can often be a real
control-freak. However, I've been noticing quite often lately
how much fun it can be to surrender - and often you don't lose a
thing!!! So, call this 'observations from a novice'...
Surrender 1 I was getting very frustrated with pedestrians in
Byron Bay. They cross the street anywhere they like, often
without warning - it's like they think the whole of Byron is a
mall! So there's been a power play evolving: they walk across
the street in the face of my oncoming car, and sometimes I swear
they even ~slow down~ to show me they have the right! So I drive
right up to them - to make the point that I've got right of way,
and they should at least ~look~ if they are going to stroll
across the road.
This week I decided to try something new: I decided that
pedestrians have the right of way in Byron. That these are their
roads, and they get to do what they want with them. In fact, I
decided I'm lucky to be able to drive around Byron at all! So
how different do you think my experience was yesterday in the
car? I drove much slower, I watched for people everywhere. I
even slowed down and waved people across when I could see they
were thinking of darting across the road. Much more fun!
Surrender 2 My partner Bronwyn cleans the kitty litter. I was
~stunned~ when she looked like she was about to throw the cat
poo over the balcony onto our lawn! When I said 'What are you
doing!!??', she replied that it smelled, she wanted to get rid
of it in a hurry, and since it was raining we'd never notice it
there and it would eventually disappear into the soil.
Well - I gotta tell you - the part of me that tries to keep
everything together - to keep things ordered and tidy - went
nuts! I was furious at the idea of cat poo littered all over our
beautiful lawn. Having spent years practicing boundaries in my
own life and helping my clients do the same, I started with what
I knew - albeit with a little charge attached: 'NO! That doesn't
work for me. You can't throw cat poo over the balcony'
Fortunately, within seconds I realised how dominating and
controlling this was. I was scared and reacting. And in that
moment it came to me:
'You know what? It's perfectly OK if you throw it over the side.
But, I want you to know that I would really dislike it, and
every morning I would go down and clean it off the lawn - which
would make unpleasant work for me. But if you still want to do
it, I'm OK with it'. And believe it or not - I meant it! Of
course I couldn't imagine why anyone would continue to do it
knowing it would create work like that for their partner - but
the point was I was willing to handle it if that's what she
decided. I ~surrendered~ instead of controlling the situation.
And you know what? She hasn't done it since.
Surrender 3 This is my favourite - names changed to protect the
guilty!One of my good friends - George - was complaining to me
about his roommate. 'I've tried everything to get her to clean.
I've created lists of jobs, we've created cleaning schedules,
and I've tried cleaning more as an example. Nothing is working,
and it's driving me nuts!'. Clearly he was trying to control the
situation - sound familiar? But the more he tried to get her to
clean, the more excuses she came up with - and this guy is a
powerful coach! When I asked him why he didn't just move out, he
replied: 'But I love her to death. And other than this, I love
living with her'. So together we created a completely ~opposite~
approach. The art of fun surrender. And here's what he went back
to his roommate with:
'Jill, I love living with you. And I love you. I've been so hung
up on this cleaning issue I've lost sight of that. I want you to
know that if you never clean another thing I this house I'll be
fine with that - in fact I'll handle it. I'm just glad you're my
roommate'.
Again - the key is he meant it. He realised that doing all the
cleaning wasn't that big a deal for him, and he'd much rather
have her in his life than 'get his way' over the cleaning. All
he had to do was give up his position - to give up being 'right'
about it. And the result? He s still got an awesome friend in
his life, not to mention peace! OK - enough examples. Let's take
a look at your neck of the woods:
Exercise: Apply This to YOUR Life' If you would like to
completely eliminate a problem from your life - something that's
been draining you, then try these three simple steps:
1) Notice where you are 'pushing' Are you arguing your point?
Have you tried everything and the person still won't change? Do
they not seem to be listening, or just ignore you? Are you
desperately trying to get to sleep (fighting yourself)? Have you
complained about it more than twice in one week? More than ten
times this year?
2) Ask yourself: 'What if they did that forever, and I was OK
with it? If I embraced it?'
3) Choose an action ~you~ can do that would handle it, instead
of them having to handle it. Before you may have argued, got
upset or stressed out. But now - what could you do that would
just handle/accept the issue? To take responsibility for it? Not
because you have to, but because it's more fun and will create
more peace in your life?
This week, make your life and someone else's life easier. Who's
the lucky person?