Healthy Self-Esteem
Nathaniel Branden - Healthy Self-Esteem
As the world becomes more complex, competitive, challenging,
self-esteem is more important than ever. The shift from a
manufacturing-based society to one based on information, and the
emergence of a global economy characterized by rapid change have
created growing demands on our psychological resources.
Recently, the focus of my work has been to show how self-esteem
principles and technology can be used to improve performance in
the work place.
Self-Esteem Defined
Despite the abundance of books, studies, workshops and
committees devoted to the subject of self-esteem, there is
little agreement about what it means. Self-esteem has two
essential components:
Self-efficacy: Confidence in the ability to cope with life's
challenges. Self-efficacy leads to a sense of control over one's
life.
Self-respect: Experience oneself as deserving of happiness,
achievement and love. Self-respect makes possible a sense of
community with others. Self-esteem is a self-reinforcing
characteristic. When we have confidence in our ability to think
and act effectively, we can persevere when faced with difficult
challenges. Result: We succeed more often than we fail. We form
more nourishing relationships. We expect more of life and of
ourselves.
If we lack confidence, we give up easily, fail more often and
aspire to less. Result: We get less of what we want.
What Self-Esteem is Not
Self-esteem is a necessary condition of well being. But it's not
the only one. Its presence doesn't make life problem-free. Even
people with high self-esteem may experience anxiety, depression
or fear when overwhelmed by issues they don't know how to cope
with.
I think of self-esteem as the immune system of consciousness. A
healthy immune system doesn't guarantee you'll never become ill,
but, it does reduce your susceptibility to illness and can
improve your odds for a speedy recovery if you do get sick.
The same is true psychologically. Those with strong self-esteem
are resilient in the face of life's difficulties.
It's impossible to have too much self-esteem. People who are
arrogant or boastful actually show a lack of self-esteem. Those
who are truly comfortable with themselves and their achievements
take pleasure in being who they are... they don't need to tell
the world about it.
Becoming successful, powerful or well liked does not
automatically confer good self-esteem. In fact, talented and
powerful people who doubt their own core value are usually
unable to find joy in their achievements, no matter how great
their external success.
Important: Self-esteem has to do with what I think of me, not
what anyone else thinks of me.
The highly touted use of affirmations is also ineffective, or at
best of marginal value, in raising self-esteem. Telling yourself
you're capable and lovable accomplishes little if you are
operating irresponsibly in key areas of your life.
Roots of Self-Regard
Genetic inheritance may have a role in a person's self-esteem --
it's conceivable, anyway. Parental upbringing can also play a
powerful role.
Parents with strong self-esteem lay the foundation for that
quality in their children. They raise them with plenty of love
and acceptance, believing in their competence and setting
reasonable rules and expectations.
Yet there are exceptions that we still don't understand. Some
people who have these positive factors in their backgrounds
become self-doubting adults, while others who survive seemingly
destructive childhoods grow up with a strong sense of
self-worth.
Strengthening self-esteem is not a quick or easy process. We
can't do it directly. Self-esteem is a consequence of following
fundamental internal practices that require an ongoing
commitment to self-examination. I call these practices the "Six
Pillars of Self-Esteem":
Living consciously: Paying attention to information and feedback
about needs and goals... facing facts that might be
uncomfortable or threatening... refusing to wander through life
in a self-induced mental fog.
Self-acceptance: Being willing to experience whatever we truly
think, feel or do, even if we don't always like it... facing our
mistakes and learning from them.
Self-responsibility. Establishing a sense of control over our
lives by realizing we are responsible for our choices and
actions at every level... the achievement of our goals...our
happiness... our values.
Self-assertiveness: The willingness to express appropriately our
thoughts, values and feelings... to stand up for ourselves... to
speak and act from our deepest convictions.
Living purposefully: Setting goals and working to achieve them,
rather than living at the mercy of chance and outside forces...
developing self-discipline.
Integrity: The integration of our behavior with our ideals,
convictions, standards and beliefs... acting in congruence with
what we believe is right. Most of us are taught from an early
age to pay far more attention to signals coming from other
people than from within. We are encouraged to ignore our own
needs and wants and to concentrate on living up to others'
expectations.
Self-esteem requires us to listen to and respect our own
sensations, insights, intuition and perspective. For some
people, learning to do this may require the help of a competent
therapist. For all of us, developing the pillars of self-esteem
is a life-long -- and worthy -- challenge.