Three Tips to Forgiveness: A Key Factor in Anger Management
Three Tips to Forgiveness: A Key Factor in Anger Managerment
Elizabeth, 32, cried during anger management class as she told
how one year ago - her 19-month-old girl was permanently
brain-damaged as the result of a medical error at the hospital
in which she was delivered.
Elizabeth had a legitimate grievance toward the hospital and
medical staff, and felt that she could never forgive them for
what she saw as theri incompetence. She clearly was not yet
ready to forgive. She felt she needed her simmering anger to
motiviate her to do what she felt she needed to do legally and
otherwise to deal with this horrific situation.
Yet, at some point in the future - when she is ready - Elizabeth
might decide to find a way to forgive. To be able to do this,
she will have to take the step of separating two things in her
mind: (1) blaming the hospital for what they did and (2) blaming
them for her resulting feelings about the situation.
Reasons to forgive
Elizabeth cannot change what was done to her daughter, but she
can change how she lives the rest of her life. If she continues
to hold an intense grievance, she is giving what happened in the
past the power to determine her present emotional well being.
Until she forgives, Elizabeth will be victimized over and over
again, trapped in an emotional prison.
Should you forgive?
The answer to this question always comes down to personal
choices and decisions. Some people in our anger management
classes feel that certain things cannot and shouldn't be
forgiven; others feel that ultimately anything can be forgiven.
As an example of what is possible, the staff of the Stanford
Forgiveness Project successfully worked with Protestant and
Catholic families of Northern Ireland whose children had been
killed by each other. Using the techniques taught by the
Stanford group, these grieving parents were able to forgive and
get on with their lives.
On the other hand, Dr. Abrams-Spring, author of the classic
"After the Affair," cautions that quickly and easily forgiving a
cheating partner indicates low self-esteem. In her view,
forgiveness must be earned by the offending partner, but given
automatically.
Reasons to forgive
Studies have shown that there are measurable benefits to
forgiveness:
- Forgiving is good for your health. Studies show that people
who forgive report fewer health problems while people who blame
others for their troubles have a higher incidence of illness
such as cardiovascular disease and cancers.
- Forgiving is good for your peace of mind. Scientific research
shows that forgiveness often improves your peace of mind. A 1996
study showed that the more people forgave those who hurt them,
the less angry they were.
- Two studies of divorced people show that those who forgave
their former spouse were healthier emotionally than those who
chose not to forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well
being and lower anxiety and depression.
Forgiveness tips
It is common for angry people to think, "I want to forgive, and
I know I should, but I don't know how." Here are some starting
points:
Tip 1: Remember, forgiveness is a process that takes time and
patience to complete. You must be ready. Realize that
forgiveness is for you - not for anyone else.
Tip 2: Realize that forgiving does not mean you are condoning
the actions of the offender or what they did to you. It does
mean that you will blame less and find a way to think
differently about what happened to you.
Tip 3: Refocus on the positives in your life. A life well lived
is the best revenge. People who find a way to seee love, beauty
and kindness around them are better able to forgive and get past
their grievances.