Prevailer: Overcoming Survivorism
The Prevailer: Overcoming Survivorism
A valiant soldier returns from war to receive a warm welcome and
thanksgiving from all those innocent lives he swore to defend.
The people are grateful. He's awarded medals, invited into the
homes of many; he's the spotlight of great celebrations and an
instant hometown hero. Sound familiar? During the course of the
war, in which we are currently engaged, it's happened many times
- as it has happened in many wars past.
A prisoner is walked down the halls. He's been in prison for
years, and will finally taste freedom once again. His heart is
joyous! But, society is unsure about his release. No one will
invite this ex-convict into their home to celebrate his return,
his release from a sentence served. He will not be paraded
around town followed by hundreds of thankful and grateful souls!
His joy is his own. No one thanks him for making it through, no
one holds a celebration of his release, he should be ashamed of
his crime and will make every attempt to hide it and the time he
served.
Now consider the following: A child finally escapes, whether
through telling or running away or growing up, from an abusive
relationship. It could have been a relative, a family friend, a
stranger or anyone. They spent days, or weeks, months and
possibly years; suffering at the hands of an abuser. Now, he's
on his own - he feels ashamed to reveal his past to friends,
family and/or acquaintances.. he must find his own support.
Maybe through the anonymous internet where no one will recognize
him. Maybe he'll sort through the hundreds of therapists
available. Maybe he'll develop the courage to tell someone close
to him, maybe not. No one thanks him for making it through, no
one is grateful for his sacrifice, no one holds a celebration in
his honor, no one can know his horror.
An abuse survivor is treated more like a prisoner being released
than a soldier returning home from war. Why is that? I believe
there are several reasons why this happens.
1. Survivor creates the wrong impression. The definition of the
word explains why:
Survivor: 1. To remain alive or in existence. 2. To carry on
despite hardships or trauma; persevere: families that were
surviving in tents after the flood. 3. To remain functional or
usable: I dropped the radio, but it survived.
The definition implies that an abuse survivor simply remained
alive, existed throughout and after the abuse, carried on
despite hardships/trauma, persevered despite what was happening
to them in secret. This definition is false when used to desribe
someone who has escaped abusive situations (escaped: whether
that be by growing older, reporting the abuse, moving, or
however the situation ended.).
A truer definition is present under the word "prevailer."
Prevailer: 1. To be greater in strength or influence; triumph:
prevailed against the enemy. 2. To be or become effective; win
out: hoped justice would prevail.
The definition of prevailer implies that someone who prevailed
over their abuser is greater in strength and influence; has
triumphed over the abuser(s) & abuse.
These descriptions are important. I believe that we are failing
to acknowledge what we have accomplished by being strong-willed,
enduring, persevering, defending, fighting for our lives, our
minds, our spirits, and our human rights. We did all of that! We
prevailed! We're still here, we're still enduring, persevering,
defending and fighting! We're overcoming the side effects of the
abuse we endured! We're prevailing over evil, over abuse, over
abusers, over lies, over fear, and over silence - the greatest
weapon in an abuser's arsenal.
By referring to ourselves as survivors, we keep ourselves locked
in the grips of the abuse. Say these two sentences out loud.. 1.
I am an abuse survivor. 2. I have prevailed over an abuser and
his attacks against me.
There is a difference in the emotions these two sentences
invoke. In the first sentence, I am an abuse survivor, the
following is present: 1. The word abuse is given a prominent
location in the sentence, focusing attention on that word,
rather than on survivor. 2. When said aloud, the word abuse is
given the strong accent.. I am an abuse survivor. 3. This
sentence defines YOU according to the abuse. I am an abuse
survivor. This defines you.. meaning you have allowed the abuse
to define your life. It implies that the primary character and
life shaping event in your life was being abused. I don't know
about you, but while abuse played a part in my character & life
development, it falls far from being the most important life &
character shaping event of my life.
In the second sentence, I have prevailed over an abuser and his
attacks against me, the following is present: 1. The word
prevailed is given a prominent location in the sentence,
focusing attention on that word and what it means, rather than
the event (the abuser and his attacks). 2. When said aloud, the
word prevailed is given the strong accent.. I have prevailed
over an abuser and his attacks against me. This focuses
attention on your accomplishment, your reaction to the attack -
rather than giving attention to the abuser and what he did to
you. 3. The phrase, "I have prevailed over.." gives yourself and
any other listener the impression AND THE TRUTH about what
happened. You were abused, but you also prevailed over the
abuser because their goal was complete destruction of you and
they failed. 4. This sentence does not define you according to
the abuse. It's simply a statement about one thing you have
accomplished in your life. You prevailed over an abuser an his
attacks against you. You are not defined by that event or time
period in your life, rather, you have grown from it.
It's possible that some may not believe that the way you say
things makes a difference.. but, just look at the old saying "Is
the glass half full or half empty?" It is a fact that the way
you say things affects the way you think and the way others
think. Perception and impression can be changed simply by making
a few changes in the way you word a sentence.
I do not use my experience with abuse as an excuse for anything
I may do. I do not require any person's sympathy. I do not
define myself or my life by the event of abuse. So, I make sure
that the words I use to describe that event reflect my feelings.
I have prevailed over an abuser and his attacks against me.