RECIPE FOR ENCHANTMENT - THE THREE R's: Remembering the Best,
Restoring Yourself, Rapture
In today's world there are so many wonderful and inspirational
books. There are books filled with stories of Divine
intervention, miracles happening, special positive moments never
to be forgotten and stories of incredible coincidences. They
help make us feel in harmony with the universe. They help us
fall asleep and have pleasant dreams. They often bring tears to
our eyes, reinforcing an inner sense of wisdom that all is right
with the world even when appearances say that is not so. But
there is one thing often missing from these books. It is the
mental and emotional perspiration that we need to go through as
we struggle to live a life of meaning and joy. The inspiration
is there but it's the perspiration that most of us need to put
into our daily lives to create for ourselves lives of
enchantment. Because, enchantment for most of us, i.e., living a
life of joy, a life that reflects many states of well being,
again and again, is hard work. Certainly we yearn for moments
when the right thing happens at exactly the right time and the
world opens up for us, whether it's a lucky break, meeting the
right life partner or winning the lottery. And we all need at
least some of those moments. But life, in reality, is filled
with hundreds and thousands and probably millions of minutes
that are repetitive, boring or simply ordinary. They involve
getting up, brushing our teeth, driving to work safely, keeping
a job, raising children, fighting off a cold, etc. It is all
these times that THE ENCHANTED SELF focuses on. These are the
moments that can be mundane, depressing, dull or can be
captivating, enlivening and filled with joy. What is the
difference? The difference is usually the perspiration. I mean
the mental and emotional perspiration that is involved in what I
call the three R's of enchantment. Let's look at the first of
the three R's. The first is REMEMBERING THE BEST AND LETTING GO
OF THE REST. This is a critical component to general well being
and a sense of happiness on a daily basis. Most of us have
sustained loss and experienced pain. Yes, we've been hurt. We've
been short-changed by opportunities or other people. Sometimes
we've been stepped upon, left or forgotten. If we spend our
daily life focusing on these disappointments then we cannot
release the positive energies we need to make the most of the
present moment and to plan for the future. Grudges, negative
thinking, disappointments, and not forgiving all get in the way
of what can be done with the present. We need our psyche
energies to seize opportunities we can take advantage of. This
can't happen, if our energies are used up ruminating. Besides,
there is beauty in our own story and most, if not all
disappointments we've experienced have strengthened us. Often,
we have even developed talents in coping with hard times that
can reemerge in ways to enhance pleasure and/or help us be of
service to the world. For example, the child that was neglected
or yelled at has an opportunity to be particularly kind to
others as he or she gets older, maybe to teach others certain
parenting skills having known first hand how it feels on the
other side. How do we take all the moments of life that are
often repetitive and ordinary, and turn them into captivating
personal times? One way is through optimizing our own sense of
well being. This internal state is particularly reactive to our
emotional and physical states of health. For instance, I
remember occasions when good things were about to happen, but I
was so overtired or anxious that I could not appreciate a
special day. I also remember occasions when nothing happened,
but because I felt well rested and truly at peace with myself I
enjoyed every moment. How do we work on restoring ourselves? How
do we gather our positive energies to be in our own best
interest? Certainly one of the most critical factors is seeing
yourself in a positive light. If I don't truly value myself, I
am certainly not going to take good care of myself. I am more
responsive to the criticism from a negative spouse or parent
than my own inner feelings of self worth. I may not take good
care of myself and the results can be devastating. Over the
years I have seen so many clients who were not thriving because
they had internalized negative comments, criticism and opinions
from others. The end result was that they began to believe the
negative perceptions of themselves and ultimately saw themselves
in a poor light. It is very important to see yourself in a
positive light. This means not putting yourself down and not
criticizing yourself. It means becoming your own best friend.
Often taking better care of yourself becomes essential. For all
of us, it is important to get enough rest, eat well, learn how
to sort through the negative remarks that hurt, not get caught
up and lost in the feelings those remarks engendered, and to
value who we really are and what each of us has to offer the
world. This "R" is extremely difficult and involves a lot of
mental and emotional perspiration. We are vulnerable to
absorbing criticism and negative remarks about ourselves and
actually internalizing them, making them ours. So there is much
work to be done when we start to sift through feelings that we
are less rather than more. We need to think of ourselves as
more, not less. I remember one client who had struggled to begin
think of herself as more, not less. Her husband was often
critical of her and constantly interruptive. For example when
eating out he would often criticize her and spoil her pleasure
by suggesting she had put on some pounds and might not want to
order a particular item. Around the house he would barge into a
room and interrupt her telephone conversation or television
show. He would then bring up a subject in which she was
presented as the culprit. It was a wonderful day in her life
when she was simply able to say when her husband interrupted
her, "I am leaving the house for a few hours. I hope upon my
return your mood will be better and you will be treating me more
appropriately." She then took the car keys and went to visit a
friend. When she came back he was pleasant and in a totally
different state. Although this was only part of the correction
between them, it was a momentous moment in giving her a sense
that not only must she think of herself as more, not less, but
she also must have the courage to take positive appropriate
action. Rapture is a strong, full word that incorporates a
capacity for joy that affects us in our own mind, body and
spirit. It is a feeling of being in harmony in a euphoric or an
ecstatic way with others or the universe at large. Obviously, we
don't go around in a state of rapture all the time. To
experience even states of well being on a regular basis involves
tremendous daily practice. Yet, if we work and we perspire,
mentally, emotionally, socially we will be rewarded. How? For
one thing, the positive actions we take in our lives are
pleasing to us and good for us. In my new book RECIPES FOR
ENCHANTMENT, The Secret Ingredient is YOU!, I talk about so many
occasions when people took positive actions and then had the
pleasant rewarding experience of positive feelings. These
positive feelings varied from person to person yet included the
whole spectrum of well being, including joyousness, contentment,
satisfaction, pleasure and on occasion, rapture. In my book I
share a reverie that I had one night. I imagined all of my
friends and loved ones and then strangers from around the world
coming together in big circles dancing in the moonlight. We
danced until dawn in my reverie. There was a sense of euphoria
that built leading to me to experiencing great joy and even
rapture as I indulged in my visualization. I share this one with
you because it points out that positive actions can take the
form of positive thoughts! Often we dismiss our inner life. I
think it's important to document that our inner life is a very
real place where we practice many of the states of well being
that ultimately take shape through expression in the real world.
Although I have not danced through the night in the moonlight
with hundreds of thousands of people, the feelings I had in that
reverie certainly translate into many of the positive actions
that I take in sharing THE ENCHANTED SELF message. As a matter
of fact, without my inner life, I doubt there would be the
energy to bring these teachings to others. Yes, obviously in
this discussion we are moving toward the spiritual. Ultimately,
the positive energies that we have to give the world require
mind, body and spirit. And so you see that enchantment is all
about putting the meat in your soul's soup. It is about the
muscle that goes with living a life of joy. Perspiration, daily
practice, and daily routines that enhance the possibilities of
living a life of enchantment, are all of hard work. Just
remember though, before you get discouraged, it is even harder
to live a miserable life. We pay for misery in so many ways. We
pay for it in feeling fatigued and feeling that we don't have
real purpose. We feel inside that there's a hole in our hearts
or that we have missed the boat. We can feel aggravated, tense,
fed up. We can feel that the future will be as miserable as the
past. We can feel that we are ordinary rather than
extraordinary. We can pay for a negative attitude with more
physical and emotional illness so that the perspiration pours
off of us in a different way. I think it's smarter, since life
is a struggle and designed so that we work at whatever we're
doing, that we practice enchantment and enjoy the perspiration
and inspiration that goes with the practice. So promise yourself
to take the JOYRIDE OF YOUR LIFE!