Crazy Talk or Clear Communication?
Kevin apologized to Melissa after he missed an appointment. It
was a simple misunderstanding, so Melissa said she wasn't really
upset, just frustrated and disappointed.
But Kevin sensed there was more to it. Melissa's smile seemed
forced, and he felt there was more she wanted to say, but
Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still, Kevin
had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Emotional Incongruence
Emotional authenticity--acknowledging your true
feelings--initiates enlightened conflict resolution. Yet this
can be compromised by emotional incongruence: denying or trying
to cover your true feelings, either intentionally or not.
Most people have learned to hide their feelings. They've learned
to be guarded because dropping the mask and being emotionally
honest can lead to feeling vulnerable. In the heat of the
moment, it can be hard to see how honesty and vulnerability
might be good, how completely disarming they can be and how
important they are to building trust and compassion.
No, in the heat of the moment, hiding seems like a better idea.
And to make it more complex, sometimes you know you are doing
it, and sometimes you don't.
Sometimes you lie about your feelings to get the upper hand.
It's almost always a self-defeating move, though, because it is
so transparent. People may not notice the deceit right away, but
after they have had a chance to reflect, the truth usually
dawns. They may not confront you because it is not worth the
effort, but they will feel wary and simply "go polite" and keep
their distance. Just as Kevin did with Melissa.
At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings and
try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self-image.
Perhaps you're trying to keep up the appearance of being nice or
spiritual or in control. But just beneath the surface, the fear
of looking bad, or being wrong or cast aside, dictates your
defensiveness. Others almost always experience your
defensiveness as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may
think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed
messages. Just as Melissa did.
Mixed Messages
The words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible
carrier wave of emotion. More powerful than the words alone, the
emotion is "louder."
Consequently, one of the worst things you can do is lie about
your feelings or try to hide them. All that does is send mixed
messages and make others feel as if they are standing on shaky
ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert
signals to clamor through their energy field. There is a
dreadful, unsettling feeling that comes with that "everything
looks okay, so why does it feel so bad and where is the danger
really coming from?" feeling that usually throbs in your stomach
and raises your hackles.
Just as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally
incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you are
doing it yourself. It can be extremely difficult for people who
hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with
themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about their darker
emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to have
"hateful" feelings when you see yourself as a "nice" person. If
you have been a victim of emotional violence, it can be even
more difficult.
If You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent ...
Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they judge to
be "bad." This leads to acute emotional incongruence. What can
be so crazy making is you can't feel the feelings you are
transmitting to others. If you want to be emotionally congruent,
you must recognize the importance of learning to feel safe with
all your emotions. Look to see the role fear or anger has played
in your life.
In the case of Kevin and Melissa, it is likely that Melissa had
some old feelings, of which she was unaware, triggered by her
interaction with Kevin, who then picked up on the uncomfortable
residue and put up his defenses. It is entirely possible that
Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there
was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her
deeper feelings.