Conversational Negative Self-talk
Most people don't even know they're doing it. Throughout the
course of normal conversation, they bombard themselves with
negative self-talk. Even people who are aware of the power of
their words seem to miss some of the most commonly used
derogatory comments that are made towards ourselves in the
course of normal conversation. While plotting out goals and
dreams we remember to stop ourselves from saying statements like
"I can't," "I'm not good enough," or "I'll never be able to pull
this off." However, it's the subtle little things that we say
while on conversational autopilot that eats away at our
self-confidence.
How many times have you heard someone in a conversation admit
that they were misinformed in the past saying, "Oops, I lied."
Lying by definition is a deliberate and sometimes malicious
intent to deceive another. If you were wrong, misinformed, or
made a bad assumption, but honestly believed you were giving
factual information at the time, then it was NOT a lie. You are
not a liar. You did not deliberately deceive the other person.
Do not use a negative term like "lied" to describe yourself.
Say, "Oops, I misunderstood." "Oops, I made a bad assumption."
Or, "Oops, I was wrong." Unless you actually did it on purpose,
it's not a lie and you shouldn't call yourself a liar. It amazes
me how many people say "I lied!" repeatedly during normal
conversation as if they are habitual liars or something. It's a
derogatory word. Don't use it unless you really meaning it.
My daughter was telling me about a friend of hers that she was
talking on the telephone with the other night. They were going
over a tough homework assignment together. Every time my
daughter's friend realized that she had written down the wrong
answer, on autopilot she would say, "Oh, I'm stupid." Over and
over without even realizing it, she kept calling herself stupid.
She said it ten or fifteen times within an hour long
conversation. Funny thing is this girl isn't stupid, she just
thinks she is and acts accordingly. If she was my daughter, I'd
make her quit saying that all of the time. My children were
taught never to call themselves such things. My daughter's
friend is really quite normal. I'm always hearing people say
that or they'll say the equivalent, "I'm dumb" or "that was
dumb" in reference to themselves. Stupid and dumb are
interchangeable.
Sometimes the negative comments are disguised as humor. "I'm
just a stupid guy," "Oh well, what do you expect from a dumb
blonde," or "I think my mom dropped me one too many times as a
baby!" The fact that they feel a need to make excuses for
themselves means that they have low self-confidence.
It's a subtle and difficult pattern to break. A lot of people do
it without noticing that they're even doing it. It's said with
the same automatic presentation as the "Fine, thanks." That
always follows "How are you?" I would recommend that you ask
someone to help you with it. For example, in speech classes they
will get on you for saying things like um, ya' know, or soooooo.
These are fillers that we put into speeches to fill the gaps
when we're nervous. We don't know we're doing it until we have
someone point it out to us consistently. After awhile, the
speech students begin to hear themselves and stop themselves
from saying these filler phrases. I would recommend doing the
same thing to help each other out of conversational negative
self-talk.
My daughter came home from school a couple of months ago and
every other word was 'like.' Like there was this kid at school
and like they were like so out of control! The teacher like had
to like send them to the office because like they wouldn't sit
down and like respect the class. I giggled to myself as I stood
there fixing dinner and listening to her 13-year-old lingo. I
asked her if she knew how much she was saying 'like.' She argued
that she wasn't saying it. Just like a lot of people would argue
that they aren't' guilty of negative self-talk. So, as she
carried on her conversation for the next few minutes, I just
said, "like" right after she did. Over and over, I'd just
quietly say, "like" until we were both able to laugh together.
She was quickly able to alter her speech patterns once she was
forced into awareness.
It can really be that simple. Offer to help your friend to
overcome their automated negative comments by playing the same
game with them. If they are guilty of saying a particular
derogatory statement repeatedly, then offer to help them to
break the pattern. If you can admit to yourself that you are one
of those people who says negative things about yourself without
even really thinking about it, then ask someone to help you to
stop. You would be amazed at how quickly you can stop the
behavior if someone will just make you take notice.
Self-awareness is the key to ending negative self-talk.
If you are too embarrassed to ask for help, or you don't have
anyone that you would trust enough to help you, then you're
going to have to make a huge effort to become more aware of the
words you speak during casual conversation. It's much more
difficult, but still doable. Imagine that the negative
statements are cuss words. You wouldn't want to throw those
kinds of words out around your boss would you? You wouldn't want
to use them around children would you? You wouldn't use them
around your grandma would you? Attach the same 'no way!'
attitude to those negative self-talk statements. Start really
listening to yourself. There's really no need to beat yourself
up when you catch yourself rattling off these statements, just
take notice and make a promise to yourself that you'll stop.
Keep noticing, until you do stop.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge