Coping With A Funeral
When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or whether it
was expected or not, you will find yourself having to deal with
a great number of people. Some you will know closely, others may
be complete strangers; all will be claiming some kind of
relationship to the deceased.
Whilst grieving for your loved one you may find yourself not
wanting contact with anybody other than those to whom you are
closest. Having to deal with so many people can be very
difficult so it's important to understand how to handle them.
Relatives and Close Friends
Those who were close to the deceased need to be contacted before
the funeral. When you break the news, remember that they will
also need the chance to express their grief and this must be
respected, no matter how deeply distressed you are feeling
yourself.
Sometimes it can be difficult, if not impossible, to trace
certain family members. Don't feel guilty if you've not been
able to contact all of them.
Some of those who you'll need to contact may be people who you
do not know personally. If they come to the funeral and you have
not been able to speak to them properly it would be a good idea
to write or telephone them later, to thank them for attending.
The Small Funeral
Perhaps you have decided on a small funeral, either through your
own personal preference or because the deceased made their own
preference clear. Perhaps the financial side of the funeral will
force you into this decision. Make the decision clear and stick
to it.
You may find that some friends or relatives insist on attending
even after you've explained this to them. Be polite but firm.
Explain that you appreciate their wish to attend, but that it is
a family decision to enforce such a restriction. If they still
insist, they are simply being insensitive and you may have to
take a different approach. You might tell them that the date of
the funeral has not yet been decided and leave things at that.
Whatever you do, don't allow anyone to emotionally blackmail you
into changing your decision. And don't feel guilty if you need
to lie. They are being insensitive, and you are simply trying to
deal with matters as best you can.
Polite Conversation
Unless the funeral is very small it will probably be impossible
for you to speak to all of the attendees. Don't even try. Most
people will understand that you are not going to feel like
making polite conversation. You will find that those will any
degree of sensitivity will simply approach you, kiss your
cheek/shake your hand and offer their condolences. They will not
expect more than you are able to offer.
The Wake
Most people organize some form of refreshment after the funeral.
This can be a good way of accepting condolences from those you
were unable to speak with during the actual service. By offering
refreshments you are showing that you are willing to share your
grief with those who are also suffering through their own loss.
Enlist the help of a friend or two. You may feel that you will
be able to cope but having support close by will be very helpful
should you find that you are feeling too upset to appear.
The Will
It's an unfortunate fact that funerals can often bring out the
worst in people. Some of the most long-lasting family arguments
have started at a funeral, with squabbles over who should get
what. You may find yourself surprised at just who is able to
throw themselves into such arguments, even though they are in
the midst of their own grief.
You may find yourself being quizzed at the graveside. People can
be very clever in their approach, offering condolences and then
adding the innocent question of what the deceased has left to
whom. You may also find yourself the target of malicious
comments regarding your 'improved financial situation'. There
can be more hidden rivalry within families than most would
imagine.
You mustn't allow yourself to be drawn into arguments. Simply
pretend to ignore any unwanted comments and questions. If they
persist, explain that you are far too upset to think about such
matters at the moment and that if they've been mentioned in the
will then they will be contacted in due course.
In the case of a will never having been made and where there is
any disagreement regarding who has the right to what, explain
that you will appoint a solicitor to handle the estate and
explain, as above, that they will be contacted in due course.
The Following Days
Some people find themselves terribly alone in the days following
the funeral, whereas others feel that they never have any time
to themselves to grieve. Remember that others cannot read your
mind anymore than you can read theirs, they're simply doing what
they believe to be right.
If they choose to stay away, they are probably doing so out of
respect for your privacy. If they choose to spend as much time
as possible with you, this will be because they fear for your
ability to cope alone. Explain to them what your needs are. If
you need people around you, phone some friends and ask them to
visit. If you need to be alone, explain this politely and ask if
you may phone them should you need their company. You'll find
that most people are very accommodating as long as they
understand your needs.
The loss of a loved one is never easy and nobody will ever
expect it to be. For some the funeral seems to pass as just a
hazy memory, leaving a feeling of guilt at not remembering the
details of this last farewell. Remember that it's the memories
you have of the person when alive that are important, and it's
these that will remain clear to you in the future. During deep
grief it can be very difficult to grasp details of what's
happening but this does not mean you didn't care. Quite the
opposite in fact.