Give Up Giving and Start Being Generous
Most of us grow up strongly influenced by the concept that 'It
is better to give than to receive'. For many of us, it becomes
more than a nice sentiment, but a way of being. We take it to
heart so much that we interpret it literally, and that's where
we often get ourselves into trouble!
That's often the problem with maxims. They're effective because
they're short and to the point. However, it's assumed that the
entire context and meaning is understood.
For example, 'It's better to give than to receive' assumes that
we understand that the balance of life, the joy of it, is in
giving AND receiving. Many people need reminding that there is
joy in both, but that the greater joy is in giving. It could be
considered a mini-sermon to those that believe 'Take care of
yourself' means life is about them, that the universe and
everything in it was created to satisfy their every whim. To me,
'Take care of yourself' means making sure that your needs are
given the same importance as everyone else's.
Even when we initially understand the original intent of a
message, years of constant repetition tends to make us forget.
Using our own experience and predisposition to guide us, we
start creating our own context. For example, 'It's better to
give than to receive' could start meaning we should only give
and never receive. This creates a whole series of life problems.
I suspect that many people who interpret giving in this way find
it difficult to succeed in business because they have trouble
charging the correct price and end up giving product or service
away. These are usually the same people who would never consider
taking anything from someone else without paying full price.
Individuals who take this to the extreme also believe 'Giving,
goood. Receiving, baaaad.' This now adds an element of judgment,
not necessarily of other people's receiving (they do need
someone to give to), but certainly of themselves. With a belief
like that, taking or receiving of any kind, even their 'fair
share', creates an uncomfortable state of being. Receiving for
them means they are 'out of integrity' where 'being in
integrity' means your actions match your words match your
beliefs. They are usually the first ones to offer aid, time,
money, even their seat on a bus. It's just more comfortable to
unload whatever they have received at the earliest opportunity
and it is almost painful for them if they have something and
someone around them is going without.
There are even deeper issues around giving-ness for many people.
Although 'chronic' givers usually say they don't want anything
in return, the truth is they are deeply hurt when nothing is
offered. They begin to feel used and abused. Resentments begin
to pile up until one day there is a massive explosion. Of
course, the guilt one feels after such an explosion often
results in giving even more in an attempt to make up for the
outburst. And it's not just guilt for the explosion itself, but
for the very fact that they wanted something in the first place.
Very often, there are major issues around self-esteem and
deservingness involved here.
As individuals gain the awareness that life is also about
receiving, they usually begin the process of healing. An issue
that often surfaces at this point deals with their
self-identity. Giving is so much a part of their nature that,
when they first open themselves to the prospect of receiving,
they feel that they have to make a choice. It appears that the
only way to change their behavior is to stop doing what they are
doing, to stop giving. But they like helping others, they prefer
their loving and giving nature, it's who they ARE.
The solution, of course, is that they don't have to stop being
who they are, they don't have to stop giving. They just have to
allow themselves to start receiving!
One way to help make this shift is to stop thinking of yourself
as a giver and to start thinking of yourself as being generous.
These may appear the same at first, but there are some
considerable differences between the two.
First, instead of saying 'I am a giver' we say 'I am generous'.
Being a giver (like any role we have in life) implies certain
responsibilities and rules. It tends to restrict us in how we
think about ourselves and often forces us to give way past the
point where it is healthy. Being generous implies that we are a
person who is able to share what we have. That there is plenty
for me and you can have some too.
Giving can imply that there isn't enough to go around. Being
generous comes from a place of abundance. You've all heard (and
can relate to, I'm sure) the expression 'Give til it hurts.' To
immediately feel the difference between the two concepts, try
saying 'Be generous til it hurts.' I'm sure you have the same
reaction that I do. It doesn't quite compute. It's an oxymoron
and my face scrunches up as I try to put these words together.
[Ok, it's not attractive, but it's how I know that my brain is
working hard!]
Giving feels good, but being generous feels joyful. Giving often
feels like a 'should', while generosity is a gift from the
heart. Giving is a 'doing' while generosity is a 'being'. Giving
is an action and generosity a trait. Giving seems to imply
scarcity while generosity implies reserves. Giving is often
about you while generosity shifts the focus to the receiver.
Giving can often have strings, but generosity feels
unconditional. Giving is one way, while generosity encompasses
receiving as well. I'm sure you will come up with many more
distinctions as you start thinking about this and applying it to
your own life.
I have been 'trying on' this concept for a few weeks now. I can
only say that I feel a lightness that I haven't felt for a long
time. As I write this, I am realizing that before this shift,
giving felt like a compulsion. But being generous of spirit is a
choice that I make freely, a gift from my heart that leaves me
feeling whole.