Fear of Firsts
Have you ever noticed that there is a surge of energy anytime
you try anything for the first time. Sometimes it's pure
excitement, anticipation of the good feeling you know you're
going to have after you've done it. Sometimes it's nervousness,
usually because you don't know exactly how you're going to feel
once it's done, but the potential good feeling seems more likely
than the potential bad feeling. And sometimes it's good
old-fashioned fear, anticipation that the outcome of what we
want to do will hurt us in some way, either physically or
emotionally.
Excitement and nervousness could be considered beneficial (or at
the least, neutral), in that they don't stop us from doing what
we want to do. Fear, on the other hand, can be positive or
negative. It's positive when it stops us from doing something
stupid that could potentially harm us. [I should point out that
habitual risk-takers might approach those same events with
excitement. This is probably a better way to approach life, as
long as common sense is involved!]
'Negative' fear, however, usually just stops us from doing what
we want to do, what makes sense for us to do, what takes us
closer to our goals. In this case, we're usually afraid of not
getting what we want and/or of looking silly/stupid/inadequate
while we're doing it. The longer we give in to this fear, the
stronger it becomes, the harder it is to do the new thing, and
the further away from our goals we get.
The only thing gained by allowing the fear to stop us is to
GUARANTEE that we won't get what we want! This is probably
pretty obvious to you, but I needed it pointed out to me, so
maybe it helps to state it here!
When the fear is really strong, we sometimes look for deep,
unconscious motivation for the fear. This trap is particularly
deadly because we all have experienced times when our fear WAS
rooted deep in our subconscious from events early in our lives.
Very often, that type of fear does need some awareness or
healing before you can move past it. The trap is that every time
you feel a fear that you can't put aside easily, you decide it's
deep and you need to do some specific work around the fear. This
shifts our focus from the action we want to take to the fear
itself. We start thinking about the fear, what's causing it, and
how we can get over it. The bottom line is that we end up by
giving ourselves permission NOT TO ACT!
If it's truly not the right time for something to happen then,
in my experience, it usually doesn't. But we shouldn't
under-estimate the power of not wanting to look silly or
inadequate, and the fear that might happen often makes us delay
taking action long past the right time. How often have you
finally done something you'd been putting off and then asked
yourself, 'Why in the world did I wait so long to do this?' If
you can think of a lot of examples, then you've got a classic
case of 'Fear of Firsts'!
Gaining awareness that your fear is related to the unfamiliarity
of the situation may go a long way in allowing you to face it
squarely and do the thing you're putting off. Here are some
additional suggestions to help move you through the fear:
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
Breathe slowly and become aware of your breathing. As you focus
on your breathing, you will notice that you automatically begin
breathing slower and more deeply. This allows you to get to that
'centered' space, the space where you can view the situation
objectively, where you know what you are capable of, and where
you can again see the potential in what you want to do. Focusing
on your breathing very often brings you from fear to nervousness
to excitement about the event in a matter of moments.
FOCUS ON THE OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED
If others are involved, shift the focus from you to them. We
sometimes worry so much about what the other person is thinking
about us that we miss the opportunity to identify what they need
and to help them achieve it. A dear friend shared a story of her
early days in real estate and how her fear of what the clients
were thinking jeopardized her ability to sell. It wasn't until
she started focusing on the clients, and how she could help them
through this stressful time (and anyone who's ever searched for
a new home knows how stressful it can be!) that she was able to
turn the business around and enjoy success. Tuning in to the
other people puts a whole new slant on things, allowing our
fears to recede long enough for us to figure out that there's
nothing to be scared of!
BLOW UP YOUR FEAR
This is an effective exercise that you can do in just a few
short minutes.
Close your eyes and take a few slow breaths. Visualize yourself
in your mind's eye in a calm, peaceful place. Allow yourself to
think of the situation you're avoiding until you can firmly feel
the fear around it. 'See' yourself identifying the place inside
you where the fear is (usually the stomach) and put both hands
in and pull it out. Hold the fear in your hands and look at it
for a moment. Then notice that there is a brown cardboard box,
just large enough to hold the fear, on the ground in front of
you. Place the fear in the box and close it. Keep your eyes on
the box and see it get larger. As you stand and watch the box
(breathing slowly all the time), see it grow and grow. See it
become as large as you, as large as the room, as large as the
house, as large as the town, as large as the country, as large
as the world --- until it grows so large it just explodes like a
balloon. Once it's gone, take a moment to notice how you feel
without the fear. Take a few more deep breaths and open your
eyes. [If the fear has really taken hold, you may need to do
this a few times. But each time you do it, you'll notice that
the box explodes at a smaller and smaller size.]