The Princess Who Read Too Much
Elizabeth Houston is a biology research professional. She is an
infp type of introvert, called the Healer. Introversion is a
legitimate personality type and there are actually 8 different
types of introverts. Healers make up a very small percentage of
the population, only about 2%. They have a serene and calming
effect on others and are committed to personal growth,
authenticity and acts of great lovingness.
I asked Elizabeth to describe what it was like growing up
introverted in an extroverted world. This is her story.
Growing up as an introvert in a world of extroverts that doesn't
accept introverts as normal, is painful in the extreme. Unless
you're fortunate enough to have another introvert in your
immediate family or social network as a child, you're isolated
and always feel like you're alone, even in a big crowd. Being
around people is exhausting and you need to get away. My retreat
was always into books.
I remember one summer (7th grade?) where I spent most of the
summer reading. My mother was always trying to get me to go
outside, get my head out of the books, and play like the rest of
the kids. My father would comment at the dinner table that "the
princess has decided to grace us with her presence". When your
parents ridicule you for being different, your siblings will
treat you the same way; learned behavior at its worst.
Because you're quiet, most of the time people think you don't
have anything to say or contribute and are surprised when you
offer a suggestion or even if you say anything. When I was a
senior in high school, I had Economics with one of the world's
worst teachers. I sat towards the back and kept a small group of
students in stitches with my snide remarks (by 12th grade I had
found that I had a voice and used it more). I think they were
all shocked because all those years in school, they never
suspected that I had a sense of humor.
All through school I was never part of any one clique. I had
acquaintances in most of the groups but never belonged to any of
them. I didn't feel the need. I was in Brownies for one year and
4-H for one year; I never like the organized group thing. I
wanted to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, not
when someone told me I could do it. Of course, the whole group
integration thing is difficult when you don't see the point in
making "small talk" and useless conversation. That, I've never
been good at.
Teachers always liked me because I was quiet, didn't cause
trouble, generally followed the rules (at least when I was
younger!), and did well in my school work. Of course, my
siblings hated me for it. Most of my pre-college education was
spent trying to keep a low profile and hoping I wouldn't be
noticed. The ultimate horror: doing math problems on the board
in front of the class. I had a geometry class in 9th grade,
where everyone else was in 11 or 12th grade, and where we had to
do proofs on the board. Each class was an agony of anticipation
and then relief if I wasn't chosen. The Agony and the Ecstasy,
so to speak (you know, I read that book in 6th grade?!).
As an adult, it's not so bad. I know I'm okay and I don't care
if other people don't get me; that's just too bad. I'm very
protective of my personal space and need lots of alone time.
Extroverts are horrified if you tell them that you like going to
movies by yourself or if you buy yourself flowers just because
you want to, or any other of a dozen other things that they just
can't envision doing by themselves.
Introverts are their own best friends, which makes them better
friends to others. We're picky about who we let into our lives
and to what extent. Just leave us alone and we will accomplish
miracles! Introverts really rule the world--we just let the
extroverts think they do!
Because I was quiet and downright stoic when angry, my mother
said to me in high school one time when she was angry, "I don't
know how you expect to be a doctor when you can't talk to
people". I was totally crushed and this statement caused me to
completely forego my dream of becoming a doctor. I now know that
this was ultimately for the best, but at the time those words
devastated me.
As introverts, we have learned first hand that words are very
important and have the power to uplift or destroy, so we chose
ours with care. The written word is powerful, but spoken words
have even more weight and consequences and careless words can
wound deeply. We know because people have been wounding us our
whole lives. The worst part is that most of those that hurt us
are completely unaware of the effect they've had and blithely
continue on as we're stricken mute from the dagger thrust of
their words.
That's why voicemail, answering machines and the internet are
introvert heaven. Sometimes I cannot stand the thought of
talking to another person. I don't care if that person is my
best friend in the whole world. Sending email so you can
write/rewrite exactly what you want to say before you send it is
a gift from the gods.
Our silence doesn't mean that we agree with you; usually, it's
not worth the effort to set you straight--even if we could get a
word in edgewise. Don't be surprised if later we say or do
something contrary to what you've said or think. I must say that
I'm learning, finally, in my middle age to be more aggressive
and assertive in my speech. Sometimes I just have to set the
record straight and won't allow someone to talk over me.
I've learned as a manager or meeting facilitator to draw the
quiet people out with pointed questions, allowing them their
say. Usually, they have good ideas and input. I know how it is
to have something to say and be out-maneuvered or out-talked by
a group of extroverted people.
Extroverted friends don't always take "no" for an answer. I find
myself making up a lame excuse or outright lying because they
cannot accept the phrase "I don't really want to, thanks". How
pathetic is that? After you've said no to their needling to get
you to do something three or four times, you're forced to come
up with something they deem "acceptable" as a reason you don't
want to spend time with them. It's because they can't fathom
anyone actually wanting to be alone with only themselves and
their thoughts for company.
Elizabeth describes in herself many of the characteristics that
are normal for introverts. For this reason, her experiences may
sound quite familiar. Elizabeth mentions her quiet nature, her
love of reading and her desire to be in her room with the door
closed. These are all routinely misunderstood by her family
members. Introverts need time alone to fill up with energy
because they give energy and extroverts take energy.
Another typical introvert characteristic that Elizabeth mentions
is her method of communicating. Introverts don