So Your Child is Introverted!
Let me ask you a question. Are you ashamed that your child is an
introvert?
An honest answer to this question is a positive step toward
improving your relationship with your introverted child, now and
forever. How can you support your child in finding his or her
place in this world if you are secretly disappointed that they
aren't something they can never be ... the life of the party!
If you apologize for the fact that your child is introverted,
even to yourself, you are not alone. Until very recently,
introversion was looked at quite negatively. These are some of
the qualities people have historically associated with the word
introvert: shy, withdrawn, intense, anti-social, backward,
reclusive, depressed and even mentally ill. More recently --
nerd, looser and geek.
It's time for a new look at introversion. It may come as a
surprise to you that introverts are a legitimate personality
type. Introverts comprise between 10-30% of the population. The
problem is that their self image is defined almost exclusively
by that other 70% (or more) extroverts who don't understand them
and think they are wrong because they are different.
This is like saying a woman is wrong because she is not like a
man. We have outgrown this rigid thinking in many areas of our
culture, but the area of introversion and extroversion is one of
the last frontiers.
As the parent of an introverted child, I hope you will join in
the crusade to make sure that these children grow up with an
accurate understanding of themselves and a positive sense of
self. You can begin the process of building your introverted
child's self esteem by learning more about introverts.
Let's look at some of the important characteristics of
introverts, especially during the school year.
Introverts are territorial. They require peace, quiet and time
alone in order to recharge their batteries. Your child needs a
room with a door that closes!
Introverts give energy when they are interacting with others.
This means that all those popular, outgoing extroverts take
energy from introverts like your child when they are together in
groups. Introverts can become drained during a normal shcool day
that requires a good deal of social interaction. They get no
personal rewards for this and are often so tired at the end of
the day, they want to go to their room with the door shut!
Please let them.
Introverts hate small talk. They learn by thinking things over,
connecting the dots, reading and writing. Class participation is
utterly meaningless to an introvert and an irritant. So is
"group work". Nowadays teachers are more aware of children's
different learning styles, but if the teacher is behind the
times, at least you are there to commiserate with your
introverted child when too much class participation is required.
Introverts need time to prepare and are especially mortified at
public embarrassment. This means that you will want to
"rehearse" your introverted child for major "public appearances"
such as family weddings or holiday gatherings where they are
required to shake hands and interact with adults. Think of a few
appropriate phrases and help your child to rehearse them. This
works like a charm!
Introverts have a few very close friends. They aren't interested
in joining clubs, learning to dance, getting on the pep squad or
other activities which they consider superficial and a waste of
time. Please don't send your introverted child out to play with
the other kids. Let them go to their room and shut the door!
The good news is that the percentage of introverts increases as
you go up the intellectual scale. There are usually more
introverts in college, among Phi Beta Kappa students and
recipients of Rhodes Scholar awards than their 30% distribution
in the population as a whole.
It's important to understand as well how damaging it is for you
and other relatives to covertly expect your introverted child to
"turn into" an extrovert. This puts an impossible burden on an
introverted child and does much to destroy their sense of self
worth.
Introversion is a legitimate personality type. Your child
couldn't change even they wanted to and many an introverted
child has been crushed under this expectation. Instead, learn
the positive attirbutes of introverts and then help your child
to learn them as well.
Introverts can focus and concentrate. They are able to tune out
distractions. They listen beautifully and remember well.
Introverts have a rich inner world and need not be lonely. Many
are content to read for hours and should be allowed, even
encouraged, to do so.
Some famous introverts can be used to point out to your child
that success is not related to introversion or extroversion but
to hard work, learning, preparation and personal achievement.
Famous introverts such as Michael Jordan, Queen Elizabeth II,
Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Warren Buffett and Steven
Spielberg prove that introverts make contributions to the world
we live in far greater proportion than their numbers.
Speaking of famous introverts, Hans Christian Andersen is an
introvert who wrote a story all introverted children should
read. There are few who will not relate emotionally to "The Ugly
Duckling". Read this story to your child!
There is another thing you can help your introverted child with
and that is to acquire enough of a "personality" that they can
cope in social situations. A "personality" in this sense is a
set of social behaviors that allows them to cope with the
minimum societal expectations.
But never expect them to be someting they are not. The great
analyst Karl Jung makes it very clear that the way for
introverts to win is to become more consciously introverted
rather than to try and be something they are not. Every
spiritual teaching in the world would agree ... find yourself
and be yourself. Your introverted child can do this with your
help!