Words To Live By For The Recovering Rageaholic
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Words To Live By For The Recovering Rageaholic By Newton
Hightower, LMSW-ACP
A rager, or rageaholic, is a person who is addicted to the
expression of anger. While many people feel better when they
"let it all out" a rageaholic should totally and completely
abstain from expressing their anger.
If anger or rage is a problem for you or someone you love, the
following creed will help get things moving in a more positive
direction. Read this list each morning before beginning your day:
1. I will practice self-restraint as a *top* priority today.
(Notice that it does not say, "I will practice standing up for
what is right.")
2. I will act *the opposite* of how I feel, when angry. (Notice
that it does not say, "I will share how I really feel.")
3. If I feel that my anger is about to erupt, I will *quietly*
leave the situation. (Notice that it does not say, "I will stay
around and process my feeling.")
4. I will find truth in *all* criticisms directed toward me
today, especially from my partner. (Notice that it does not say,
"I will explain my point of view.")
5. I will say, "You are right," in a sincere, meaningful way,
when I am criticized. (Notice that it does not say, "I will say,
'You are right, but...'")
6. I will give an example of how the person who criticized me is
*right*. (Notice that it does not say, "I will point out an
exception to their observation.")
7. I will repeat the following sentence to myself today: "I am
better off being *wrong* because when I am right, I am
dangerous." (Notice that it does not say, "I need to stand up
for myself when I am right." That is in the self-help literature
for depressed women. Rageful men are not depressed women.)
8. I will avoid explaining myself in any way by saying, "I have
no idea why I did that...it doesn't make any sense to me
either." (Notice that it does not say, "I will make sure she
understands *my* point of view." Life can go on without you
being understood.
9. I will listen sympathetically to my partner when she tells me
about her day. (That means maintaining eye contact and turning
the television off...not just on mute.)
10. I will not give unsolicited advice to my wife or children.
(That also means not asking questions such as, "Do you know what
you should do?" or "Do you want to know why that happened?")
11. I will avoid blaming family members for anything today,
especially if it was their fault. (Instead, say things such as,
"It's not your fault you ran out of gas. That stupid gas gauge
shows there is gas when there isn't!")
12. I will avoid trying to make any family member "understand"
anything. (You may find out that they don't want to understand
what you think is the moral or the "truth" of some situation.)
13. I will avoid trying to convince my child or spouse that I am
being fair. (Enjoy the relief of *not* trying to convince your
teenager that you are being fair, and just sympathize with them
for having an unfair parent that wants to ruin their lives.)
14. I will look for an opportunity to sincerely praise everyone
I live with, especially the cat I don't like. (Yes, every day!
Pet the cat and say nice things to it. The children and your
wife will know that you have changed...insist that you have come
to have warm feelings toward the cat.)
15. I will humbly commit myself to removing my angry behaviors
today, as my contribution toward a more peaceful world. (Realize
that there is enough anger and grief in the world without you
adding to it.)
Put this list on the refrigerator and ask your wife and children
to remind you about it. When they do, calmly say, "You are
right. I am sorry. I was wrong."