Self-Acceptance and Self-Improvement
Self-Acceptance and Self-Improvement
Robert Elias Najemy
Part 3 of a 5 part series on creating a Positive Life Outlook
Some fear that if we accept ourselves as we are, that we will
have no motive to improve ourselves.
There is a small possibility that self-acceptance might cause a
few people to loose interest in self-improvement. In most cases,
however, it opens the door towards natural change and
self-betterment.
Contrary to what many think, self-acceptance is usually a
prerequisite to moving beyond aspects of our selves which we
would like to leave behind.
It is as if that aspect which we want to change is another
person whom we are rejecting and asking to be different. They
will usually resist and become even more deeply entrenched in
the behaviors we would like to them to change.
The same seems to happen when we reject aspects of ourselves.
Those tendencies or "sub-personalities" tend to resist letting
go of their ways of functioning and behaving. Thus, we often
delay our freedom from such undesired habits or characteristics
when we reject them or ourselves for having them.
Say for example, we smoke or eat or drink too much. Or we might
tend towards aggressiveness, jealousy, anger, fear or other
unwanted emotions. We might prefer to be more assertive and
dynamic in achieving our goals.
Rather than reject ourselves for what we would like to change, a
much more effective approach is to:
1. Accept that undesired aspect of ourselves as a natural
evolutionary response to the various stresses, disappointments,
difficulties, and challenges we have encountered until now in
our lives. We have developed these habits and tendencies as an
attempt to "protect" our selves from "dangers" or to "relax"
from our tensions.
2. Learn to understand these aspects of our being. They are
parts of us, which deserves our love and acceptance as it is. We
need to understand what those parts of ourselves are actually
seeking through those behavior. They might be seeking security,
affirmation, freedom or perhaps release of tension.
Our "aspects" or sub-personalities can search for security in
money, food, relationships, sex, smoking, coffee or even through
conflict. We have been programmed to doubt our security and
self-worth and to fear for our freedom and to seek them at times
in strange and sometimes self-destructive ways.
Thus the second step is to understand these parts of ourselves
and realize how they feel and what they need.
3. The third step is to begin to reeducate these parts of
ourselves and help them understand what is really in their
benefit and how they can achieve real security, self-worth,
freedom and fulfillment. This might take the form of a dialogue
with that aspect of ourselves in which we listen to its needs
and then explain how we perceive our lives and share our goals
and needs. We can write a dialogue between these two parts of
our being - the one who wants to keep on with its habits and the
second which wants to move on to other ways of behaving. They
can each express to each other their: a. Needs b. Feelings c.
Beliefs d. Goals.
This can also be done by setting up two chairs and creating a
verbal exchange in which we speak alternatively for each part of
ourselves as we change positions sitting in each chair as we
change perspective and seek to feel and express that aspect of
ourselves.
4. The fourth step is to take the position of our higher wiser
self and speak to both parts of ourselves. Both the part, which
wants to the change and the one, which does not, are equally
aspects of our being. They are like our children and they need
to be accepted and loved as they are. They need to be helped to
love harmoniously in the same body and mind.
5. In the end we need to understand that our true being is not
limited to either of these aspects. We are something much
greater.
This mutual inner acceptance and communication between these
conflicting aspects our being opens the door to a type of inner
cooperation which brings about a much more effective and lasting
change than can ever be accomplished through self-rejection and
conflict.
The same is obviously true about our need to change others. We
can get much better results if we accept and understand them and
their needs and then express our needs in an atmosphere of
mutual understanding and respect.
As for the fear that we might relax too much and not move
forward if we accept ourselves, we would do well to remember
that all of nature seeks to evolve. Our inner being naturally
seeks to evolve. This is our basic inner need. We are all driven
by an inner pressure towards perfection. How else can we know
that we do not have perfect love or justice, unless we have an
inner frame of reference.
We want to create health, harmony, peace and love in our lives
because these remind us of out true inner self. These are who
and what we are.
No matter how much we accept ourselves we will always want to
move towards that manifestation of our inner potential.
We need to externalize our inner beauty. Loving and accepting
ourselves is the first step towards that.
(Adapted from the "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Najemy
available at http://www.Amazon.com and
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. This book and other writings can
be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also
download FREE articles and e-books.)