Changing Your Partner
Relationships are never perfect, and rarely do perfect partners
come together. At some point in every relationship, partners
want to change something about each other.
The following are three schools of thought on changing another's
behavior and an alternative to each one. You will find the
alternatives more useful, easier to implement and more effective.
School of Thought I: -------------------- You may never change
another, nor may you request change. Seeking change in another
is avoiding changing yourself. Your partner is showing you
something you don't like in yourself. The change must happen
within you. You must strive to become such that the other's
behavior no longer bothers you.
The Alternative: ---------------- Look at yourself first. If you
still find yourself needing to make a request, do it. This will
give you the opportunity to practice the vital skills of asking
for what you want and negotiating.
However, do be aware - making an effective request is definitely
a skill. To learn this skill, please read next week's newsletter.
School of Thought II: --------------------- You must demand
change from the other because if he/she loved you enough surely
there would be change. He/she is bad and wrong in the first
place for doing the thing that upsets you. He/she is bad and
wrong again for not changing without you having to say anything.
He/she is very wrong for balking at the change once you demand
it.
The Alternative: ---------------- People do what they do and say
what they say not because of you but because of how they relate
to others. This means if your partner is doing something to
upset you or bug you, he/she is not doing it to you, just doing
it. Moreover, people cannot read minds. If you do not
communicate effectively when something is bothering you, you
cannot expect change.
You should also know that when you demand, you are not likely to
get what you want. And your partner definitely has the right to
say no.
To create change, make your requests clearly, gently and as soon
as you become aware of the need. Your requests are more likely
to be granted. However, if they are not granted, you cannot
demand change.
Making an effective request is definitely a skill. To learn this
skill, please read next week's newsletter.
School of Thought III: ---------------------- Produce change at
any cost or any way you can. Hold back no weapon in your
arsenal. Manipulation, nagging, begging, threatening are all
fair game. Don't ever give up because, after all, the change is
good for your partner.
The Alternative: ---------------- When you request change from
your partner to further growth and development, it is often very
good for him/her. However, any underhanded attempt will be met
with resistance and anger. You will not get change. In fact,
things may get worse.
Your alternative is to ask clearly and openly, with love, for
what you want. Again, to learn how to do this read next week's
newsletter.
If the change is something your partner wants for himself or
herself, offer support in creating it. Do this for as long as it
takes to create the change. If the answer is no, accept it and
deal with the consequences, even if the consequence leads to the
end of the relationship.
Your Relationship Coach, Rinatta Paries www.WhatItTakes.com
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to
attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit
www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"