Step-By-Step Guide To An Intimate First Date
We live at a time when forming sexual relationships is getting
more and more complicated. We're bombarded with information and
statistics glamorizing dating and making it look so easy. TV
shows such as "Sex and the City," 'The Bachelor" and many other
"hook up" shows are all filled with images of pseudo-witty,
independent and sexually "liberated" wannabes all wrapped up in
Gucci, sipping pink cocktails and exploring Kama Sutra with a
non-stop string of well to do suitors. But for many of us it's
not happening that way in real life.
Not only is dating frustrating, it appears we are quickly
forgetting how to connect with the opposite sex in a meaningful,
fulfilling and lasting way. We're playing the Dating Game but no
one seems to know what to do anymore.
Just the other day, a client described to me how she found
herself arguing with a guy she really liked over who should pay
for the meal. The ridiculous situation came up because of all
the confusion over who pays for what and when it is a date.
Often a man or woman will ask someone of the opposite sex out
for coffee or to the movies thinking they are just hanging out.
Then he or she offers to pay and the whole outing becomes
"confusing" because the person begins wondering if it's a "trick
date".
Why does something as natural as finding someone to be with have
to be such a struggle?
Both men and women I have talked to tell me they think that the
feminist revolution which ushered in so many great achievements
and remarkable progress in gender equality also brought along
confusion between the sexes leaving many vulnerable and
confused. We seem to know our gender rights and boundaries in
all areas except when it comes to sexual relationships. Here the
boundaries become fuzzy and even keep shifting depending on the
circumstances. I agree that there is so much confusion as to who
does what, to who, for how long and when, I also think that
there is an additional dynamic driving today's dating game.
In the old days, men and women spent time getting to know each
other often becoming good friends before the relationship became
romantic and/or sexual. During a date, the man consciously tries
to make a woman happy, doing everything he does to gain her
attention and affection. The woman on the other hand encourages
him with admiration, respect, and appreciation for even the
smallest things he does for her. But these days it sort of works
backwards. It starts out with mostly romantic dinners, romantic
emails, expensive gifts and sex and then it builds into a
friendship - that is if a couple even ever gets to the
friendship level.
There are many couples today who get married and have never
developed a friendship at all. They live like two perfect
strangers who occasionally find something in common to say to
each other or do together. Intimacy is a task instead of a given
accountability and responsibility are burdens rather than
freedoms and creativity and humor is lacking in every aspect of
their lives and relationship. It is practical prison!
In today's dating arena, both men and women tend to seek after
commitment first and foremost. Before they even go out with you
on a date, they want to know if you are willing and ready for
commitment. Because commitment is very high priority on the
agenda, there is an enormous (and unnecessary) pressure on the
date to progress in a certain way. Sometimes one or both parties
have expectations but these expectations are never explicitly
discussed and both parties are left second guessing each other.
Asking someone out is really hard for both men and women.
Getting to know someone on an intimate and meaningful way is
even harder. For someone interested in more than just
superficial, self-absorbed, egotistic, selfish and manipulative
dating, you may have to figure out new rituals of connection and
intimacy that make it possible for you to connect and stay
emotionally close to your date.
Let's say you are attracted to the teller at the bank. You could
flirt, deliver your best pick-up line, and ask what time he or
she gets off, but you anticipate (rightly) that they may not be
comfortable mixing business with pleasure.
So, what do you do?
I have listed here a few suggestions that might make it a little
easier to ask someone out and actually manage to have a "fun"
date. These suggestions can be used equally by men and women,
however, I do realize that individuals need to make their own
decisions about how they want to date and I do believe that it's
important that each individual make his or her own decisions.
Please look at these only as guidelines and not rules.
You smile, make eye contact, introduce yourself, ask their name,
make small talk, pay a compliment, anything you would do to be
friendly with anyone in any setting. The purpose of this first
contact is to walk away having left a positive impression.
Return to bank within 48 - 72 hours. The purpose is to try to
discover whether he or she is even slightly interested. Now that
you are on a first name basis you can start with small talk and
add some personal "I was sort of hoping that you'd be here when
I came in". Note their reaction- positive, negative or neutral.
Towards the end of the transaction say "I really enjoy talking
with you." Leave another positive impression, this time based
upon something real about you.
If you are one of those women shy about asking men out, say "I
really enjoy talking with you. Here is my card. I would love for
you to call or e-mail me sometime". The problem with this is
that now you can not call or email him without appearing
"desperate" or "coming on too strong".
Preplan what you want to do - where you want to go, and when you
want to do it, before asking the person out. And I think this is
true whether you ask the person out in person or over the phone.
If you do ask someone out over the phone it's important that you
make clear just who you are. There are a lot of Daves and Saras
in the world and it's hard to distinguish who you are just on
the basis of a first name or the sound of your voice.
Make some sort of personal connection by reminding them of the
conversation you've had in the past - or in what other context
you know them. This makes it a little more personal.
Ask someone to do something casual as opposed to a more formal
date. With something casual, there doesn't have to be a lot of
heavy planning. Examples would be to ask someone to have coffee
after work, to look at pictures in a gallery or go play tennis
at a public park. That kind of request may be easier for someone
to say yes to than a more formal kind of date like going to
dinner or a concert.
Tell the person what you plan to do. For example, saying "Would
you like to play tennis on Thursday?" lets the person know what
he or she might be saying yes to--both INTEREST and
AVAILABILITY. Asking in this way is typically construed as
friendly, non-threatening, and respectful. You are giving him or
her lots of room to decline easily and gracefully. This more
direct approach is more likely to be successful than something
as indirect as saying, "What are you doing Saturday night?"
It's also good to let the other person know why you want to go
out with him or her. For example, " you seem like a really
interesting person" or "it seems that we have a lot in common".
You're just being authentically, benignly and innocently
friendly. It is very helpful for you and for them to know why
you want to go out with him or her and most people would be
flattered and positive. Don't worry about the people that take
you the wrong way, they are simply screening themselves out.
If the other person says "yes" and you end up out on a date (I
prefer to think of it as doing something together), do not start
by asking a lot of questions about the other person because this
tends to put the other person on the spot. Instead, it's best to
start by giving information about yourself. Very briefly talk
about what you're interested in, what you are into and then ask
a question or two about them to get the conversation going.
Once the conversation takes off try not to talk too much about
yourself instead focus on the person before you and you might
just discover how good you are at picking up other people's
vibes. Most people are often too concerned about what they've
said or what they're going to say next that they don't really
pick up what it is that is being conveyed to them. Listening
involves paying attention to what the person is trying to tell
you verbally and what he or she is actually saying non-verbally.
It's important to let the person know they've been heard and
understood. Ask a meaningful questions about what was said, how
a person feels about what he or she did etc. Finally, you can
talk about yourself, either how or when you felt in a similar
situation - maybe it was the same as they felt, maybe different.
This allows you and your date to communicate on a more personal
level.
Another way to get the conversation going on a personal intimate
level is to share the feelings that you're having at the
immediate time. For example, if you're at a movie that's boring,
you can turn to your date and say, "This is a really boring
movie," chances are they are going to respond by agreeing with
you. In this instance, it's best to be honest even though
sometimes honesty may make you uncomfortable. This might even
provide a good laugh for both of you and really ease the
experience and make it more pleasurable.
If the person says "no" to your request for a date, don't
necessarily think that it means that he or she doesn't ever want
to do something with you. Take into account the tone of the
conversation and the sincerity in the excuse they give you. For
some people, the timing isn't right because of other commitments
or because they are preoccupied or stressed about other things.
For some, the activity you are proposing might not be something
they have interest in. So if you presume that the only reason
you're being turned down is that there is something wrong with
you, you may be making a very big mistake.
It is true, however, that some people just don't hit it off
together and there may not be anything you can do about that
except to look for someone whose interests are more like your
own. You also need to keep in mind that a person's accepting a
date may not mean anything beyond the acceptance of that given
date. You should keep your focus on having an enjoyable date
rather than planning for any particular future with that person
based on their accepting the date.
That said, nobody is perfect at this process, but you can have a
lot of fun meeting new people, so the effort can pay off if you
give it a try. And, like with any skill, you can get better at
it with practice.
I hope that these suggestions will empower you to take more
initiative and be a successful dater.