Sexual Styles Outside And Inside The Bedroom
Knowing your unique needs and the needs of your sexual partner
can be very enlightening. See if you can find a little bit or a
lot of yourself in each of these characters - and I am sure you
will recognize an ex or a present partner in one or many of
these characters. This is not about accusations and excuses but
rather the realities necessary to understand the developing self
and current struggles. The important thing when looking at these
sexual styles is not to try to figure out which sexual type you
or someone is but rather to use this knowledge to improve your
sexual relationships. Pay attention to how your own sexual style
and behaviour makes your partner feel about themselves and the
relationship because your sexual style may be hurting your
relationships..
1. The Sexual Traffic Cop
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Traffic Cop is what we would
call a typical control freak. They often feel that they were put
on this earth to "put others in their place" and feel obligated
to tell others what is 'right' and what is "wrong". They tend to
think their views, their families, relationships or career are
what everyone should emulate and do not hesitate flaunting them
in public for everyone to copy. They are often critical and
demanding, always giving orders and making up rules. They can be
very picky, impatient and judgmental; constantly giving advice,
correcting or "mothering" others.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Traffic
Cop, you will get so many directions and instructions on what
he/she likes and doesn't like. They will tell you how you should
feel and respond and they may demonstrate to you how they want
you to do it to them and ask you to do exactly the way they do
it. You make one "wrong" move and he/she just stops and refuses
to continue. The worst part is that there are so many
instructions that you never seem to remember what they like or
don't like. You feel pressured, controlled and inadequate every
time.
2. The Sexual Beast
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Beast usually talks loudly -
and dirty. They are the sort of people who are all over the
place and are either disillusioned that others really like them
or do not care if they are liked or not. They have a strong need
to dominate others and to be in charge of things. They may
appear very controlled but are cynical and temperamental, and
easily explode into anger when their authority or intelligence
is challenged. They can be very vindictive and manipulative.
They aren't necessarily angry at the opposite sex it's just that
they confuse aggression and chaos with passion and spontaneity.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Beast, you
are not sure whether you are being loved or devoured. His/her
panting, grabbing, slapping, scratching, biting, pushing,
pulling and bestial noises or "dirty talk" reduces the sex act
to its very basic crude level. You are left frightened,
distrustful, unsatisfied and angry but not sure why.
3. The Sexual Martyr
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Martyr lives with a victim
mentality. They are always telling "poor me" stories, blaming
others for everything that has happened to them. They don't
believe they are lovable or worthwhile and find it difficult to
express their needs or ask for what they want. They've never had
satisfying experiences and feel used and taken advantage of all
the time.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Martyr you
sense that "something" in not right but however much you ask,
he/she will never tell. The only way they try to let you know
what is happening is when you try to be intimate their first
reaction is to move away a little or just lie there motionless.
You sort of start getting resentful because you can't read
his/her mind and you feel guilty for not being able to figure
out what is really going on.
4. The Sexual Procrastinator
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Procrastinator avoids doing
things he/she needs to do or deal with and hates being told what
to do. They ask for advice, make goals and promises but never
actually get to carry them out. They are usually very rational
and reasonable and take themselves seriously. They can be very
talkative, impressionable, sensitive and warm but feel
uncomfortable about getting close to other people and often
avoid these situations.
Inside the bedroom: If you ever get to have sex with a Sexual
Procrastinator consider yourself one of the most patient people
on earth because by the time you get to actually have sex with
this character, you'll have heard all kinds of logical
explanations as to how the mood, timing and the place is just
not right. But even during sex, they will find little problems
to interrupt or force you to stop. You are left feeling
controlled, neglected, desperate and angry.
5. The Sexual Glutton
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Glutton is a professional at
enjoying him/herself. Sexual Gluttons have low tolerance to pain
or suffering and are often prone to addictive behaviours. They
usually seek out adult toys to play with and when they find
something that gives them pleasure; food, alcohol, drugs etc.
they get completely lost in sensation oblivious of the people
and everything around them.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Glutton you
get the feeling you are just a toy for their pleasure. If you
try to change what you are doing to give them pleasure, they
motion for you to keep going, paying no attention whatsoever to
your feelings. While you feel "high and dry" he/she is in
his/her pleasure world. You are left feeling left out,
unimportant, unloved and angry at being used.
6. The Sexual Performer
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Performer is wildly
enthusiastic about everything. Everything and everyone is always
fantastic, wonderful, amazing, fabulous, great, brilliant etc.
When you meet this character you are almost sure he/she is the
most passionate person you've ever met, yet you get a feeling
that there is something not quite right about his/her passion -
you're probably right. Sexual Performers are people who want to
get close to others, but tend to be so anxious about intimacy
that they often scare others away.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Performer
you get the feeling they are putting on a show; they make a lot
of noise and they will do this and do that, frequently changing
positions and telling you over and over how fabulous it is.
They'll even insist sex is better in front of a mirror because
they want to watch themselves perform. Their "pleasure" seems so
exaggerated that you are not sure whether it is sex or their
performance that they like so much. You are left feeling used,
mistrustful and even resentful.
7. The Sexual Idealist
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Idealist is sensitive, powerful
and very intelligent. They are usually spiritual and
philosophical, and are passionate about the protection of the
environment, cruelty against animals and world poverty. They
desperately want fairness and goodness for everyone and in
everything because their past experiences have been the
opposite. They may be children of divorced or emotionally
isolated and dissociated parents, were adopted or lived with
parents who were kept busy working. Because they have been
abandoned again and again they may be deluded that their work,
relationships and life are perfect and are afraid to look at
life honestly because they fear that their positive outlook may
collapse.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Idealist be
prepared to enjoy it not once but twice: first when you hear the
great and wonderful benefits of sex and again after when you
hear a recounting of the just concluded magical experience.
He/she will tell you how sex with you is much better than all
the ones he/she's had all his/her life and what a wonderful
lover you are. You find yourself pressured to perform to similar
or higher standards, just to keep up. But their "ideal" world
leaves you feeling inadequate, not loved for yourself and
mistrustful of their claims.
8. The Sexual Pleaser
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Pleaser is usually sweet,
cheerful, enthusiastic and nice to everyone. They have a
tendency to confuse love with pity, and a tendency to "love"
people they can pity and rescue. They are overly dependant on
the approval of members of their family, spouse, friends,
colleagues and even strangers. They will go to any lengths and
overboard to please and when they do they will stand there
silently with a "so?" look on their face. They can easily be
manipulated because Sexual Pleasers have a hard time saying "no'
to requests outside and inside of the bedroom.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Pleaser,
you will feel wonderful - at first - because they come across as
the super lover. They ask "Do you like this or Am I pleasing
you?" They even go to the lengths of apologizing if you say you
did not like that. After a while you start feeling selfish and
guilty. You sense their desperation and need to please and feel
obligated to him/her but at the same time feel controlled by
their neediness.
9. The Sexual Corpse
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Corpse is an expert at
repressing his/her feelings. They appear cool, calm and
collected on the outside but deep inside they are anxious,
worried, and fearful. Many have suffered a lot of hurt, pain,
frustration and have been abused as children or by their sexual
partners. They often find it difficult to trust others and to
self-disclose. They don't easily forgive and never forget. Even
if they openly don't say it you get the feeling talking to them
that they are so angry at the opposite sex.
Inside the bedroom: When you have sex with a Sexual Corpse,
their idea of sex is you playing "sex psychic". They never show
emotion or say a word before, during or after sex. Its up to you
to guess how they are feeling or if they like sex with you. Its
up to you to figure out what they want - or if they even like
you. If you ask them if they like something the best they can
come up with is 'Its fine". You are left inadequate, frustrated
and even angry at them.
10. The Sexual Tease
Outside the bedroom: The Sexual Tease is the kind of man or
woman who looks at your partner and makes them wish they were
single. They just love to advertise how "super-sexy" they - they
dress and walk the part. Their whole idea of life is
superficiality - clothes, status etc., and have a habit of
name-dropping or mentioning their connections to famous, rich
and powerful people. They are very competitive with members of
the same sex and are usually very jealous and possessive people.
The Sexual Tease also has problems opening up and making
commitments to another person.
Inside the bedroom: Forget the bedroom - a Sexual Tease comes
on very strong and aggressive, turning you on and driving you
crazy with his/her act. But as soon as there is a possibility
that sex might actually take place, the sexy, hot and wild image
disappears. They start giving excuses or find something else to
do - so that they can tease you some more. And if you actually
manage to have sex with this character - you will be very
disappointed. A Sexual Tease is turned on by the idea of being
wild and sexy but not by the actual act of sex itself. You find
yourself feeling humiliated, used, manipulated and angry.
Conclusion: I believe that there is no "right" or "wrong" way
of making love. Sex is "good" when it makes both of your feel
good about yourselves and about the relationship and it is 'bad"
when it leaves you unhappy and adds to your negative feelings
about yourself, your partner or about relationships. The good
news is that there is something you can always do to become the
lover you are capable of being (listed on my website are some of
the things you can immediately do). The Super Lover is in
everyone of us. What you need first and foremost is deep
insights into the unique, creative and ultimately mysterious
being you are. Second you need an intuitive understanding of the
intricate dynamics of man-woman energies. Learning specific
techniques is NOT enough, you need to know the interplay between
the sexes that is sufficient to evoke a deep connection and
smoldering passion.