Gay men and women - how and when to `come out'?
Worldwide, as we speak, men and women, young and old, are
agonizing on their private secret: 'I'm gay, and I can't hide it
anymore'. People who just want to live a life as a regular
couple with someone of the same sex. Many of us have family and
friends who consider homosexuality as 'abnormal' or 'wrong', so
it's natural for people who are gay to have reservations about
telling those special to them how they feel.
The first thing to consider: who NEEDS to know? You aren't
obligated to tell anyone it doesn't concern. Who you tell comes
down to several things. Firstly, who do YOU feel you want to
know? Who do you want to talk to about your love life, your
attractions, your relationship ups and downs? These people will
be close friends, possibly family, too.
Consider your current lifestyle. Do you have a partner now? If
so, is it becoming more important to share them more in your
daily life, with other people special to you? Often, people in
love, straight or gay, want that person involved in their life
more as a relationship grows. When in a relationship, we like to
bring our partner to special occasions, celebrate, have support
during the bad times. Maybe you wish to live together, and have
realized that those around you will need help understanding
this. Some people choose to tell their loved ones they are gay
because they don't wish to feel that they are 'hiding' anymore.
These are all 'turning points' that will lead to a person
wanting to let others in their life know that they are gay.
There are times when a person decides to wait for an easier time
to tell loved ones, particularly family. It's sad to admit, but
oftentimes true that families can have a harder time dealing
with the news that a family member is gay. Attending high school
can make 'coming out' an extremely stressful situation. Students
may be fearful of being teased or not accepted by their peers.
No student should be treated badly because they are gay,
obviously, but it consider this - if you are at school and
aren't dating, is it anyone else's business? If you're fortunate
to have some very mature friends, of course, tell them if you
think it will help you.
Some high school students find they prefer to hold off telling
family until necessary, perhaps until they are older, have left
school, or even have left home. This gives parents time to see
that children have grown and matured, and it isn't a 'phase' or
something they can try to stop. There is of course, always the
exception, and there are a lot more open minded parents around,
whose reaction could surprise you.
Another common situation is homosexuality in heterosexual
marriage. This can be extremely stressful for both husband and
wife. One person feels trapped in a lifestyle that is no longer
making them happy. A gay husband or wife can suffer a lot of
guilt over the way they feel, to the extent of staying in the
relationship as a way of 'making it up' to the other partner. If
this is you, ask yourself: are you helping your husband or wife,
in holding off dealing with your feelings and telling them? Not
only are you prolonging your happiness, but theirs too. They'll
need time to deal with the marriage's end, and you should make
this as easy and painless as possible. If this means ending the
marriage sooner, then it's possibly the best way. The longer you
stay married, the more the chances are your partner will grow
more attached. If your spouse truly loves you, they'll only want
your happiness. Yes, they'll miss you, want to stay married, but
few people want to keep someone in a marriage if they're
unwilling.
Many gay people divorce their husbands or wives and stay best
friends. But of all the people who need telling, husbands and
wives rank highly! Or, at least, if you don't tell them you are
gay, they deserve an amicable split.
The next suggestion may sound trite, but still bears mentioning.
Why not talk to a counselor? It can be 'practise' for telling
your loved ones. What's great about counselors, is they can help
you work out what's the right thing for you to do, and how to
say it best.
Which brings us to the next question- what to say? Honestly?
Whatever you want! But, a good guideline is to start with why
you are telling them. If you are single, you might just want to
say that you prefer dating people of the same sex. If you are in
a relationship, you could just let the person you are telling
know that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. It helps if you make
a short simple statement to start with, then give the recipient
a moment to process this news.
Some people you 'come out' to will say, 'I knew it all along!',
'good for you!' or, 'so?' These people are a breath of fresh
air, and will make you wonder why you didn't tell them sooner.
Others will have questions, some may be angry or upset. Please
remember, that although you need all the love and support from
these people, that many people have been raised in families that
taught homosexuality is 'wrong'. Go in with a willingness to
work through the feelings with your loved ones. For parents, it
can be a shock, for the reason that they may feel scared about
not having grandchildren, even if they accept homosexuality.
It isn't acceptable, however, for anyone to abuse you. If this
happens, remove yourself from the situation as quickly as
possible. Let tempers calm down, protect yourself from others'
anger. Realise people often calm down and accept things with
time. Some people may never accept this, and it'll be your
decision how to handle those people.
Above all, be true to yourself! It's your life, and you're the
one living it. As mentioned, you may wish to wait, and there are
many good reasons for doing this. However, there'll come a time,
when you'll wish to live and love the way you want to. Take
time, and you'll always find a way. If you know who you want to
inform you are gay and why, you're halfway there! All there is
to do now is to wish you the best of luck. People can surprise
you with their acceptance, and people who are gay are often
overwhelmed by the freedom this experience can bring.