Sex, Lies, Affairs, and Relationships
Have you ever had a strong desire to have sex with someone other
than your partner, and didn't know what to do with it? Maybe
you've had an affair, but are scared to tell your partner, or
you think s/he is better off not knowing. Maybe s/he already
knows, and it's blown up in an ugly mess. You don't want to lose
your relationship, and you don't want to feel stuck in this
place either.
There's nothing wrong with feeling attracted, even strongly
attracted, to another person. Some couples have fun sharing
their stories of attraction and desire. Others just want to be
open to all that they are feeling without acting on it, to see
what they can learn about themselves. Sometimes, it's just fun
to indulge in fantasies without worrying about what they mean.
But what about the situation when there is an agreement to be
monogamous, and someone has an affair? How does this affect both
partners? Does it mean the end of the relationship?
It's possible for a relationship to last after an affair, but
whether it really heals or not is another question. It's very
tempting to try to put an affair behind you, but the reality is
that it will continue to surface in different ways in your
relationship if it's not adequately addressed. When couples take
the time to talk it through, usually many times, and offer true
understanding to each other, they have a better chance of moving
on in a real way.
Sometimes an affair is the begining of the end to a relationship
that was already coming apart. Other times, an affair can lead
to a breakup, when one partner falls in love with someone else.
If you are considering having an affair, or have had one
already, it's important to sort through how you are feeling and
what those feelings mean. Some people say it doesn't mean
anything, but I think it always means something, even if it
means that you and your partner don't agree on the monogamy
issue. If you don't know, it might help to ask yourself some
questions about the larger context:
* When, where, with whom, and under what circumstances do you
want, to have an affair, or did you have an affair? What were
you thinking and feeling at those times? * What were you hoping
to feel (besides turned on)? * Would you say that there is
anything missing or bothering you about your relationship or
yourself? Does the affair offset that somehow? * What makes the
affair or the person attractive to you? * Is there something you
need to learn about yourself or your relationship that will be
missing, or was missing, by acting on your feelings?
When an affair is out in the open, both partners need to talk
about what it means and how they feel. Some people who've had
affairs describe the experience as having no impact on how they
feel about their partner. Some experience it as a wake-up call,
an indication of how they're feeling in the relationship,
pointing to what is missing for them and what they want to see
changed. Others see it as a huge mistake, happening at a time
when they or their relationship was vulnerable. They wish they
had never done it.
Sometimes affairs are a form of abuse, in which case they need
to be seen in that light -- someone being abusive needs to take
full responsibility and get help.
People whose partner had an affair usually feel confused, hurt,
betrayed, and angry. For the relationship to last, their
feelings need to be heard and understood by their partner, many
times. S/he may have all sorts of questions in order to make
sense of what happened. Her/his trust will need to be rebuilt
slowly.
While affairs hurt relationships, so do lies and a lack of
honesty. Often the biggest hurdle is being honest and facing not
only your own feelings, but your partner's. No one wants to feel
responsible for someone else's pain, but being able to be there
for your partner in her/his pain is vitally important. A
relationship can survive an affair; it can even grow stronger.
But it takes both partners being gentle and patient (with space
for anger), facing their fears and vulnerabilities, and voicing
what is true for both of them.