Women's Sexual Expression
Have you ever wondered whether other women, lesbian or straight
have problems with sex? Do you worry that you're the only one
who makes passionate love at the beginning of a relationship and
then withdraws? Or perhaps you enjoy making love to your
partner, but feel uncomfortable receiving sexual pleasure? If
any of these sound familiar, you are not alone.
Barriers to Feeling Comfortable with Your Sexuality
While we may believe that sex should flow naturally and easily,
the reality is often different. It's no wonder, given all that
we're up against--sexism, heterosexism, and homophobia;
society's repressed attitudes about sex generally and especially
about women's sexuality; messages we receive from famililes,
religion, schools, and the media about women, lesbians, and sex;
and the fact that so many girls and women are sexually
assaulted. It's remarkable that we feel comfortable with sex at
all!
Patience and Awareness
If you're having a hard time with any aspect of sex, the best
thing you can do for yourself is to be patient and
understanding. Freeing yourself of pressure, blame, or criticism
is crucial to moving through any obstacle you face.
A good starting place is to simply pay attention to everything
that you feel as soon as you are aware of feeling uncomfortable.
If you are numbing, or shutting down, you'll want to figure out
how you felt immediately prior to that.
*How does your body react? *What body sensations do you notice?
*Do you hold your breath? *Does your heart quicken? *What are
your thoughts? *Do you see or sense images, sounds, smells, or
tastes? *What do you notice before and during the point you
start to feel uncomfortable or begin to numb yourself?
Being aware of your own experience and responses is an important
first step. This awareness helps you be in your body and be
present with yourself. These are important elements for being
able to relax and enjoy sex. This does not mean that you
suddenly feel comfortable with sex, in fact initially you may
feel even more uncomfortable because you are more aware of how
upset or scared you feel. Some may respond to this process by
feeling calmer. If you feel more upset or about the same,
continue to be with your feelings, let yourself breathe if you
can, and remember this will help you to feel better about sex.
It is important that you and your partner accept how you feel
and approach your feelings with tenderness and love. Awareness,
acceptance,and compassion are probably the most important things
you can do for yourself and/or your partner.
Are There Any Connections to the Past?
You may want to ask yourself:
Have you felt this way before? Do you feel this way in other
situations? See if you can remember the first time you felt this
way and whether there might be a connection. Does it make sense
to you why this was triggered at this time? If not, try to
remember the next time you felt this way and whether you can
make a connection to your present feelings. Strong emotional
reactions are usually connected to past experiences that have
not been fully resolved.
You may have been sexually assaulted and coped by numbing out.
Or you may have been raised in a chaotic household and feel a
strong need to be in control. Directing your attention to what
originally brought on these feelings or reactions, and finding
ways to work through those issues can help a lot.
How is Your Relationship?
If you are withdrawing from sex, how are you feeling about your
relationship?
Are there areas in your relationship, apart from sex, that need
to change? Are you spending too much time together, which can
dampen passion? Are you not spending enough time together, which
can lessen your intimacy? Are you carrying around "baggage" from
a previous relationship, which may be blocking your ability to
relate intimately with your partner? Are your childhood
experiences coming between you? You may want to ask yourself
what happens when you withdraw from your partner. Does it reduce
some anxiety or fear, or get you some much needed space. Maybe
there is another way that you could accomplish the same thing.
When you are aware of what is going on, you can let your partner
know how you feel, and ask her/him for what you need.
What You Can Do: Slowing Down
If you are going numb or shutting down, there are a number of
strategies you can try. One strategy is to approach sex at a
slower pace, spending more time at sexual activities in which
you don't numb out. Maintain a lot of contact with your lover by
talking to each other and keeping eye contact. The idea is to
stay present and in your body, and to stop when you begin to
numb out.
Asking For What You Need
You may need a stronger or softer touch, or to be in a certain
position. Stop whenever you need to, and talk about how you are
feeling. You might want to hold each other for awhile, then
begin again unless you don't want to. Only you can know how you
are feeling and whether you want to continue or not, your
partner can only guess. It is far better for you if you take
charge of your own needs and that your partner respects that. At
times, it may feel frustrating, for both of you, so remember
that by being patient and taking it slow, your sex life can
improve.
Partners who view each others' difficulties with sex as
something to work on together have the best results. In this
situation a partner will ask how the other is feeling, what is
wanted, and whether they need to stop. This sends a clear
message that you care and that it is okay to stop at any time.
Talking About Sex
Talking about sex, both inside and outside the bedroom, is
important in any relationship. If you're shy about saying what
you like while you're making love, tell your sweetie at another
time. Have fun, it doesn't need to be serious. You may feel more
comfortable sharing sexual fantasies because it is less direct.
Do what works for you, but find a way to communicate your likes
and dislikes with sex.
Starting and Stopping Sex
For the person who feels uncomfortable on the receiving end of
sexual pleasure, try starting with just a little and stop. Talk
about it, if that feels okay. Then try a little more,
remembering to breathe. Take a break again. Keep trying this,
receiving a little each time and then maybe increasing the
amount of time each time. By going slowly, stopping and starting
again, you can increase your comfort level with the focus on
you. Both of you need to be patient because this can feel
frustrating too but it is well worth it in the long run. You may
find you even enjoy it.
Letting Go
To have an orgasm, we need to be able to ride the waves of
arousal and let go--not always such an easy thing to do. If you
find this difficult, begin outside the context of sex by
thinking or talking about the following questions:
What does letting go mean to you? What would happen if you were
to let go? How do you feel about letting go? Do you know what
those reactions, associations, and feelings are connected to?
Are there other ways of your life in which you find it hard to
let go? Do you like to be in control? Is there anything you are
afraid will happen if you are not in control? You might want to
begin by finding opportunities to let go, to be in less control
outside of sex. How do you feel about that? Start small. Find
little ways you can be in less control throughout your day. See
if you can relax more, take it easy. Remember this can help
improve your sex life so let that motivate you.
During sex notice your reactions. If you start to tense up or
pull back, stop right there. Notice that for a moment, breathe,
and if you want continue. Trying to push on while you tense up
will not work, backing off will. You'll immediately relax some.
Remember, you are tensing up for a reason, honour that and let
your partner know you need to stop. Obviously it is crucial that
your partner handles this sensitively and respectfully.
Additionally, you may need to let your partner know how to
pleasure you just the way you like it. Give yourself permission
to do that.
And most importantly, no one has an orgasm by trying to have
one. Let go of that goal, and focus on the pleasurable feelings
in your body. Some women need to hear gentle loving words or be
held when they approach orgasm because for them it brings up all
sorts of safety issues. Others like to hear something more
raunchy.
Final Thoughts
Experiencing sexual pleasure involves being present; staying
with your feelings, your breath and other body sensations;
expressing yourself (talking, making sounds, moving your body);
and letting go. Finding ways to feel more comfortable doing
these things, in and outside the bedroom, will help your sex
life. Try not to worry if you don't notice any difference right
away, be patient with yourself and your partner--your sex life
can and will improve.