Things You Can Do to Keep Your Relationship Healthy
Today I will discuss some simple, yet effective techniques that
will help break down walls you may be building in your
relationship. It does not make any difference if you are married
or not. When two people value their relationship but have
differences they are failing to resolve, something must be done.
If nothing is done, the relationship will degrade, eventually
resulting in either a breakup, divorce or the couple staying
together but living an unhappy life. You obviously didn't form
your relationship with this outcome in mind.
One thing that you must understand is that it will take some
effort to turn things in the right direction in your
relationship. Any and all relationships take some nurturing to
keep them healthy and happy. If you don't believe this or are
not willing to put forth any effort at all, reading this article
may be a waste of your time. If you are ready to take a positive
step that could produce amazing results, please read on.
Constructive communication is downright scary for many couples.
Too many times the recipient of the message feels they are being
attacked and goes into a defensive mode, many times with a
counter-attack. When this happens, not only the constructive
facet of communication is lost, but future communication is also
jeopardized resulting in a destructive pattern. Rules of
communication must be set, agreed to, and adhered to during your
conversations.
Planned discussions with rules are a great way to foster
constructive communication. When discussions are planned in
advance by both parties, decided when and how often they are
held, a potential threat of "who's attacking who" is removed.
For example, you and your partner agree to talk about your
relationship every Sunday after lunch at 1:00 PM. You agree to
stick to this schedule for 2 months, after which you decide if
this schedule is working well or not. If you've made a lot of
progress by then, perhaps you could switch to a monthly
schedule. Below, I will summarize the steps to this simple, but
effective approach to healthy communication.
1. Sit down with your partner and come to agreement on the
following. What times and days will you have your discussions?
Agree on rules. Discussions are always to be constructive. Try
to present your case in a non-aggressive manner. "When you do
this it makes me feel this way..." is a better approach than
"You must hate me and not care about me because you always do
this..." Always remember to stay calm. Arguing or raising your
voice is not an option. After a couple meetings, you may have
most of your main issues on the table. If you get through these
initial meetings, it should get easier as you go.
2. At the beginning of each meeting, each partner will take
turns speaking. When one is speaking, the listener should only
listen and not interject comments. This is a time for the
listener to do a self-evaluation and not look for a good
comeback, but truly try to see it from their partner's
viewpoint. The speaker should remember to follow the rules of
healthy communication. Do not portray your case as blaming or
you will not get the results you are seeking. You may want to
take notes about what your partner is saying and read those
notes throughout the week. If you care about making changes for
the good of the relationship, taking notes will help you keep
your partner's concerns fresh in your mind so you can act on
them.
3. After each of you have voiced your concerns, now it's time
for you (again, one at a time) to recognize each other's
progress since the last meeting. Discuss any changes the other
has made in their habits or behavior, no matter how small. Let
them know that you noticed their changes and appreciate it.
Remember, it takes time to change. Don't expect rapid changes in
your partner or you'll disappoint yourself. If this is your very
first meeting, simply tell your partner some things you
appreciate about them. Finishing each meeting with positive
discussion will help to "lighten the air". You don't want to
leave a meeting with knots in your stomach!
I have shared with you some very basic techniques that can help
you to make positive changes in your relationship. These
techniques will only work if both partners are willing to put
forth some effort, refrain from engaging in the blame game and
be willing to take a serious look at their behavior.