Stand By Your Man: No Matter What?
We all heard the report of a prisoner escaping after his wife
shot and killed the correctional officer transferring him to
another jail.
What would motivate a woman to kill someone and let her actions
render her vulnerable to the death penalty - for a few hours
with "her man?" Was he so incredibly special that death was
preferable to living without him for a few years?
If the positions were reversed, would he have risked the
ultimate penalty to aid in her escape? Or would he have shrugged
and moved on to a new partner?
We are all aware of glaring differences in the psychological
makeup of men and women (aside from the often enormous
individual differences within any one gender). But where do
these differences come from?
Men go to jail and women wait patiently, often for years, until
they return home. Women regularly visit their boyfriends and
husbands, traveling for hours, undergoing the humiliation of
personal searches and pat downs, and wait with inexhaustible
patience for a few minutes on a telephone in a cramped prison
visiting room. For women prisoners, the only visitors after the
first few weeks are family and that is infrequent. The men, who
are often the cause of their incarceration, are long gone.
For several months, I worked in a State office building across
from the County Jail. There would occasionally be some men seen
entering on women's visiting days. But on the evening set aside
for visiting male prisoners, hundreds of women formed a line
encircling the block and spilling onto the side streets.
Why are we women so loyal? So faithful? So patient? So
forgiving? So needy?
Biologically, we are wired for monogamy, stability, and singular
devotion as a means to protect the young and allow the species
to survive. Through centuries of cultural evolution, we have
gradually empowered ourselves so that we no longer serve as the
slave of our lovers and husbands and no longer have to settle
for second-sex status.
Yet within our liberated midst are thousands who never took that
step to independence. The victims of domestic violence who
refuse to leave a toxic relationship. The Mormon brides who
cheerfully share their husband with his other wives. The women
who fight over scrawny, ill-kempt, and semi-retarded boyfriends
on Jerry Springer. The bright students who give up their own
career dreams to pour their energy into getting their husbands
through Law or Medical school (and get dumped later when no
longer needed).
For centuries, men left home to go to war, to explore the world,
to find fortune, to pursue adventure. And the women waited.
Now, at the dawn of the Twenty-First Century, despite the
continued expansion of opportunities and rights for women, we
are still waiting.