Do not Forgive: Infidelity, Unfaithfulness,Betrayal and the
Dishonesty of Cheating Hearts
Both men and women seem to generously cheat on their other
halves, these days. Society in general, seems to think that
stories of cheating hearts are nothing to write home about.
Research is trying to convince us that hormones, not Herculean
horrendousness is to blame. And naturally, when we talk
troublesome hormones, we usher to testosterone - what else?
Consequently, the ‘scarlet letter' goes to women, while
men are left forgiven for their fundamental ‘frailty'.
When I do not intend to deliver a sermon on the immorality of
dishonesty and betrayal, I need to pinpoint to you what
unfaithfulness really means in a love relationship and in a
marriage. Once the definition of infidelity is determined, it is
easier to see clearly what ‘forgiveness' actually means in
such a situation.
As a linguist, I always start my cognition journey with the
thesaurus in hand. Now, what are the synonyms of infidelity?
Unfaithfulness, falseness, disloyalty, dishonesty, deceit,
treachery and treason. And the synonyms of those synonyms?
Untrustworthiness, fickleness, duplicity, lying, pretense,
inconsistency, capriciousness and vacillation. The sub synonyms
of those? Unreliability, undependability, deviousness,
changeability, uncertainty, fraudulence, insincerity,
untruthfulness, double-dealing, make-believe, charade,
contradiction, whimsicality, frivolity, irresponsibility,
volatility, indecision, fluctuation and ambivalence. I could
still derive sub-categories and feel you get the picture
already. Then, when a loved one, a partner, a husband, or a wife
‘cheats' on me, he/she is all of the above and guilty of
all the above. Could there be an excuse for all the
above-mentioned sins and crimes? Is there a blank space
somewhere where we can tuck words like: sympathy, empathy,
mercy, compassion or forgiveness? If you are still confused,
please buy yourself a thesaurus!
Now, if someone who is guilty of all the above declares his love
anew? If he is confessing his trespass and asking for a second
chance? If he is promising devotion, committment and a fresh
start of mutual trust? If he/she says they are yours
‘now'.. will you take them back? Now you find excuses for
the guilty.. you cite words like flings, crush, passing fantasy,
insecurity and sexual seduction. But this cannot apply in any
case you were betrayed for more than a few hours when that
martyr was duped, dozed and drunk enough to lose their common
sense, or if the poor thing has lost his/her mind and is verging
on medical insanity. But for someone who dated, fell in love,
suffered longing, felt attached, devoted time, designed alibis,
determined a relationship, shared his most intimate detail, and
desired to be with someone else rather than be with you, it is a
different story. If you call a relationship with a person who
did that to you love, I wonder what hate is like. If you have
the heart to invest in such a relationship again, I wonder what
you think of yourself.
The world abounds with people who hate us, feel jealous of us,
want to harm us or are simply indifferent to our pain and
suffering. I believe that to keep one of those in your own home,
in your bed, in your arms is sheer madness. We forgive mistakes,
but punish sins. And dishonesty is more of a sin of character.
It is the manifestation of falsehood of feelings we thought were
love. Hormones? I would forgive a rat with minimal brain cells.
But a sane person who gave me enough reason to fall in love with
them and trust them with my life and future deserves one good
last kick out of the door. Forget about the shared resources and
friends, the common dreams, the binding children, the single
roof, the long history and good credit. You need to rate the
person you are with anew. Rating him as he is today in reality
as you see it clearly. And ask yourself one simple question:
Could this be the closest person to me in this life? The answer
must still depend on two things: your sanity and your
self-esteem.
Lately, I have had an experience of such a treachery that put me
in the shoes of the other woman, or say the other girlfriend,
when I thought I was fit into Cinderella's. He was in a longterm
relationship, not sharing a roof but a life, with someone for
more than nine years. Falling for me instantly, spending a
minimum of ten hours with me on the phone or in person, and
giving me all the devotion a woman with my ego demanded, before
having sex with me, gave me little reason to suspect that he was
‘tied' somewhere else too. When I found out and terminated
the relationship, he asked for time to sever the past bond in a
civilized manner - something I totally approved of. Severing the
relationship with his other girlfriend turned to be a dinner
that lasted till 5 am one day, on the birthday of his friend, a
business meeting on the week end that surpassed eight hours and
finally, a vacation of four days to a summer resort for Easter
on the following evening I took him back for the third time
after swearing his love. My relationship was not lust, no fling,
no crush, and no passing fantasy. It was big, solid,
effervescent, mature, discerning love story of two people dating
beyond their forty years of age and past a marriage with
children. Yet, the minute I realized I was cheated upon when he
declared on the phone that he was leaving for a vacation (with
her) to sort things out and that ‘please-don't-be upset'
meant he wanted his cake and eating it too, I almost giggled. My
reaction was: " Suffering stops once you call a spade a spade;
you know what you are? A phoney!" I did suffer for four weeks or
so.. not love and loss, but wretched wrath.
On his return, I exposed him to that poor woman. He was leaving
her. The surprise? I said I would never ever take him back for a
day - leave or stay is nothing of my business. I have fallen in
love with a man not a mutt. Obviously, I had no love to give now
that the person is someone else. One thing I did right: I did
not get confused; I did not ‘forgive' and never intended
to trust again. Why would I need to do that? Love? It is not
love on his part; and I can not be true to who was false to me.
I cannot love who does not mind hurting me, betraying my trust,
fooling and using me. Can you? Those who do that to you hate not
love you; wake-up!
We are all willing to correct something that went wrong. But in
these situations the only thing that is wrong is to be in love
with a cheating heart. No, you are not overweight, not boring,
not sexually uninspiring. You did not neglect them. No, you
could have not given them more passion, compassion or
validation. No, you do need to be blonde, beautiful, more
fashionable, better-educated, smarter, richer or younger to keep
them. If they would stray they do anyway. Khan did that to Rita
Haywarth, Charles to Diana, Kennedy to Jackie ( and to Marlyn
Monroe herself). Cruise left Kidman for Cruz, and that guy left
his wife of 22years for a 25years younger Zeta-Jones. The other
woman might have something above you and might not. It is not
about her; it is about him. When a man loves a woman, he fails
to see all the Marlyns in the world. He would not trade his
Juliet for the glory of God himself. When a man loves a woman,
he is committed to her. Yes, he does not go to vacations with
someone else to fix something else. When he does not love her,
he cries, throws tantrums, threatens suicide. Throw him out of
the door; and he will knock the other one with the same tears
dribbling, the same cracking voice and trembling hands begging
for a ‘second chance'. No one should be given a second
chance, when the first one was a very long generous opportunity
for love and happiness they paid back in hate, hurt, misery and
suffering.
I wish I do not see all the tearful messages I see in my life
and online from women complaining about
‘the-still-love-him' anguish; love yourself first! I wish
women knew how to give less, forgive less, love less to get more
respect.