Love, Lies, Betrayal, and Deceit - Why Do We Lie to Those We
Love?
Why do husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lie to
each other?
Our romantic relationships are seldom what they seem. We all
want a relationship that is built on openness, intimacy, and
trust, but the truth is, our relationships do not always work
that way. More often than not, our intimate relationships
involve secrecy and deceit. In fact, if you want to look for
deception and betrayal in your own life, the best place to start
is close to home. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and
girlfriends, often lie about their true feelings for each other,
the feelings they have for others, and their level of
commitment. Indeed, it is safe to say that people save their
biggest and most serious lies for those they love.
For better or worse, our romantic relationships are full of
paradoxes which we try to overlook, downplay and ignore. For the
most part, this strategy works well. Until the day comes when it
doesn't, and with little warning or preparation we have to
confront face-on the reality that our close relationships are
not exactly what they appear to be.
Eventually, almost everyone will catch a spouse or partner in
one of their lies. Inevitably, we have a difficult time coping
with what we have learned and dealing with the fact that someone
close has betrayed our trust. We do not expect our partners to
mislead us, nor do we have insight into how and why deception
occurs.
In fairness, it should also be mentioned that it is just as
likely that a partner or spouse will catch you in one of your
own attempts to deceive. And ironically, we are just as
unprepared to deal with this kind of situation.
Ignoring the paradoxes inherent in our romantic relationships
turns out to be a costly strategy and most people pay the price
for this decision, unexpectedly, and all at once. It's not so
much that coming to terms with the use of deception in romantic
relationships will solve all of the problems you are going to
encounter, but it will certainty help to reduce the stress,
anxiety, and uncertainty that occur when deception eventually
comes to light.
When it comes love and romance, most of the things we believe,
are not true. Most people believe that all of their marital or
relational problems can be solved through "communication." We
also believe that deception is difficult to achieve, that
misleading a partner requires a lot of effort and thought, and
that romantic partners can tell when a lover is lying, and so
on. None of these widely held beliefs, however, are supported by
the evidence. Rather, our romantic relationships are held
together by a delicate balance of both candor and deceit. And
both are critical to making our intimate relationships work.
Romantic relationships entail two important features which allow
deception to flourish: abundant opportunity, as well as the need
to deceive. As we get close to another person, we intentionally
and unintentionally provide them with a great deal of
information about who we are, revealing ourselves through both
our words and deeds. Creating this kind of intimacy or shared
knowledge is critical, as it serves as the foundation for a lot
of important rewards. Through our close relationships, we create
gains with respect to our health, wealth, and emotional
well-being. Because relationships provide so many important
rewards, it should come as no surprise that people are inclined
to view their romantic partners in a positive light. We place a
lot of trust in our romantic partners. We think we know them
well. But while our trust surely provides us with a sense of
security and comfort, it also lays the ground for deceit. For as
we trust our partners more, we also become more confident but
less accurate at determining when the truth is being told.
Every relevant study attests to the fact that lovers are
terrible at telling when their partners are lying. In fact,
detecting deception with anyone is difficult to do, but lovers
manage to take this general failure to a spectacular low. Again,
as we become more confident that we can tell when a lover is
lying, the exact opposite turns out to be true. This
"truth-bias" or "blind faith" provides the perfect opportunity
for romantic partners to engage in deception. After all, who
makes a better victim than someone who is eager and willing to
trust everything you have to say?
Not only do close relationships create a wonderful opportunity
for deception to occur, they also create the need. While
romantic relationships offer many rewards, they also tend to be
overly constrictive. Most everyone has felt the constraints of a
close relationship from time to time; quite simply you are no
longer free to do what you want, when you want, and with whom
you want. So intimacy provides tremendous rewards, but at an
enormous cost - the loss of your freedom and autonomy.
Lying to a romantic partner helps us deal with the constraints
that our intimate relationships impose. Quite frankly, deceiving
a romantic partner turns out to be the most efficient and
effective way of maintaining the rewards we get from our
romantic relationships while pursuing extra-relational goals and
activities behind a partner's back.
How do we decide when to lie and when to tell the truth? Well,
most of the time we do not intentionally think about misleading
our partners. Rather such decisions are governed by our emotions
and just seem to happen when the right situation presents
itself. Often a sense of excitement, opportunity, and
exhilaration can lead us down paths we had no intention of
traveling. A sense of fear, loss, and trepidation, on the other
hand, prompt us to cover-up what we've done and be more
conservative in the short-term. Luckily our emotions are very
good at reading situations and keeping our deceptive behavior
within limits. Our emotions prompt us to regain some of our
freedoms while also allowing us to maintain the benefits we get
from our intimate relationships.
When you take a step back and put it altogether, the picture
that emerges tends to be rather ironic. Because our romantic
relationships are so rewarding yet constrictive, we are
simultaneously more truthful and more deceptive with those we
love. Additionally, we place the most trust in the person who is
most likely to deceive us, just as we are most likely to deceive
the person who loves and trusts us the most. These are just a
few of the paradoxes that emerge when taking a close look at the
use of deception in our romantic relationships. Most of what is
uncovered runs counter to our most cherished beliefs about love
and romance; that is, the idea that complete openness and
intimacy are a central and defining feature of being in love.
Initially most people avoid looking for deception by a loved
one. But as you begin to examine your own behavior more closely
it becomes harder to dismiss the degree to which lies, betrayal,
secrecy and deceit are ever present in our close relationships.
Hopefully, you will take on a greater appreciation for the
complexities of your relationships as well as a richer
understanding of what it means to be in love. Regardless of the
final outcome, taking a close look at deception in your life
will change the way you view yourself and others.