Bad Girls: Let's Be Honest Ladies, Aren't You Only Into Him
BECAUSE He's NOT Into You?
The authors left out one very important piece of the puzzle in
their bestselling book "He's Just Not That Into You." Deep down
every female knows what that little piece of the puzzle is. Our
perception and our reality are worlds apart when it comes to
relationships today. Although our reality has drastically
changed our perception continues to remain the same.
The tired but lingering perception still holds men responsible
for the majority of problems experienced in relationships; which
is not to say that women are unwilling to take a little
responsibility. Women often blame themselves for giving and
loving too much. Interestingly enough, females tend to only give
and love too much when they are involved with males that treat
them badly or at the least males that show them little interest.
Could it be that females continue to love males like this
because it is simply in their nature to be giving and nurturing,
or could it simply be that females love a challenge? If you are
a male reader, you probably suspect it's the latter. Although,
if you are a female reader, you know it's the latter.
Females chase after commitment in the same way that males have
always chased after sex. Males often lose interest in females
after they get them into bed and females often lose interest in
males after they get them to commit - that's the reality, but
it's certainly not the perception that most people have about
women. Why? Because it doesn't fit the males are "bad" and
females are "good" stereotype to which we have become so
accustomed.
The females who claim to love too much are the equivalent of
males who will say or do anything to get a female into bed.
These females will put up with anything and will do almost
anything to accomplish their goal - getting a man into a
commitment. However, once they have garnered their commitment
they usually become bored and resentful. Eventually, after
finding a reason to blame the men for their unhappiness (i.e.
boredom) they move on to their next conquest. This is the
commitment game - it's the female version of pursue and discard.
I found it interesting, having interviewed more than two hundred
people as well as having recently written a book about females,
to hear that large numbers of women were ending their
relationships as a result of reading "He's Just Not That Into
You." Interesting, because I knew from my research that these
women were most likely ending their relationships for the same
reason they had stayed in them; they viewed the men they were
seeing as a challenge.
I was curious, so I set out to find out what was really behind
the apparent phenomenon. I wanted to know why women were really
ending their relationships after their encounter with that
little book we've all heard so much about.
I discovered that the book's directness made it difficult, if
not impossible, for women to continue to rationalize their
boyfriend's behavior once they had read it; there was nothing
left for the women to analyze or to talk about with their
friends. They no longer needed to try and figure out what their
boyfriends were thinking, or spend time wondering about where
their relationship was going. The need for discussing,
analyzing, hoping and longing had all been eliminated. As a
result, many women ended their relationships. They had
mistakenly believed that the men in their lives were complicated
and mysterious, or in other words, a challenge; instead, they
found out their boyfriend's behavior was categorically
identifiable and even predictable.
However, what must not be overlooked is the fact that it was the
apparent "cookie cutter" behavior of men, meaning the men's loss
of mystery, which caused the women to end their relationships.
It was obviously not due to the way men were treating them;
otherwise women would have ended their relationships prior to
reading the book. So, it seems women are ending their
relationships after reading the book for the same reason they
often ended them prior to reading it - they think the men in
their lives are boring.
One of the co-authors of "He's Just Not That Into You" has
co-written a new book, titled "It's Called a Break Up Because
It's Broken." Even without reading the sub-title, one could
easily assume that the book is intended to help women deal with
the difficulty and aftermath of a break-up. One could assume
this due to the book's cover which prominently displays a
container of ice cream.
It will be interesting to see if this new book will sweep the
nation too; although, I must say, I don't think it will. The
reason is due to a little known fact: it is women, not men who
end the majority of relationships. I know what your
preconditioned mind must be thinking. You must be thinking
"well, women wouldn't be ending the majority of relationships if
it weren't for men's bad behavior." But this isn't necessarily
the case. Growing apart is actually one of the most common
reasons cited by women for ending their relationships and during
my research, the reason most frequently given by women for
ending or wanting to end their relationship was "my
husband/boyfriend is boring."
Bearing this in mind, one has to wonder why the new break-up
book doesn't have a big, frosty beer on its cover. The answer to
that one is probably pretty simple:
A) As a society we keep women's bad behavior a secret; trust me,
if it had been Hillary instead of Bill you would have never been
the wiser. B) Women buy a lot more books than men.
These types of books are obviously intended to empower women.
However, I believe the opposite is true. Women will never be
empowered by the media's false bravado which is constantly being
used to feed their egos and somehow make up for their past
oppression. Women will only become truly empowered when they own
the dark side of their nature. When they are held accountable
and take responsibility for their own bad behavior as well as
the harm they often inflict onto others.
In our culture men have been reduced to nothing more than their
animal nature, while women on the other hand, are still somehow
separated from theirs. The devil and the angel, so to speak,
live inside every human being. Females are in no way excluded
from this fact of human nature. At some point in history, many
societies assigned and deemed certain characteristics and
behaviors natural, meaning acceptable, for each of the sexes. To
this day, people are inundated with these same exaggerated and
fictitious images of male and female behavior. Women, as well as
men, have been sliced down the middle - able to own only part of
who they are.
In order for females to achieve real equality and to stop being
their own oppressors they are going to have to acknowledge, as
well as take responsibility for, the disrespectful way in which
they often treat males. In truth, women are just as often the
villains as they are the victims. Acknowledging and accepting
this fact is the only way for women to truly become whole.
This process may require women to ask themselves some pretty
tough questions which they undoubtedly will not like the answers
to. Questions such as:
How many guys have I blown off? How many times have I not
returned a guy's phone call? How many times have I lied to a
guy? How many times have I cheated on a guy? How many times have
I strung a guy along? How many times have I used a guy for his
money? How many times have I used a guy for attention? How many
times have I used a guy for sex?
Females regularly do all of these things and more. What's more,
they typically do them to males who really like them and are
trying to treat them well. Unfortunately, the nice guys are
often viewed, as willing - willing to commit, which translated
into male terms means - an easy lay.
Women didn't need to read a book from a man's perspective in
order for them to understand and gain insight into male
behavior, all they needed to do was ask themselves why they
treat some males in the same way that they often complain about
being treated.. And of course, without any hesitation an answer
quite similar to the title of that little book would roll right
off every woman's tongue ─ I'm just not that into him.