Women - Discover the Missing Ingredient
In this article, I'll describe the vital missing ingredient
without which improving your self-esteem is almost impossible.
I'll review why self-esteem is important, I'll show you why
certain types of advice do more harm than good. And - most
important of all - I'll tell you the secrets of how to build and
maintain your own self-esteem at an appropriate level.
The vital missing ingredient:
I like to define self-esteem simply as the extent to which we
like and respect ourselves. In addition there's a really
important bit of reasoning; a bit of reasoning that works in the
real world and it will work for you. Here it is, in a simple
equation:
self-esteem = DOING WELL x feelgood factor
It's the "doing well" element that's been missing all these
years in so many of the self-esteem books that stuff the
bookshelves of almost every library you'll ever visit. Even in
our schools the doing well concept has been devalued, to be
increasingly replaced by suggestions that we are all equally
good irrespective of how well we do. Did you know that many
schools in the UK are now refusing to include competitive
activities on Sports' Day in case the losers suffer a loss of
self-esteem? How is such an over-protective attitude by their
mentors going to prepare children for the tough world they will
face as adults, where competition for jobs and so on inevitably
results in "losing" and rejection?
Sport's Day competitions are a form of playing which, if managed
in an enlightened way with clear and fair rules, adds value to
children's lives EVEN if they lose!
I passionately believe that you have to do something well in
order to feel good about yourself. Of course, that doesn't mean
that you have to be excellent at everything (such expectations
would be absurd), but you do need to recognize the difference
between doing something well and doing it badly or without care.
Look at that simple equation again: you can tell yourself a
million times a day that you deserve to feel great, and you
might - just might - manage to push up your feelgood factor. But
unless you start to do something well at the same time your
self-esteem just cannot rise. I'll illustrate this further with
an example towards the end of this article.
First, let me emphasise the point one more time. Doesn't it
follow that doing something a bit better today than you did it
yesterday would be a legitimate reason for you to feel good
about yourself? Can you see what would happen? You'd have BOTH
elements of the self-esteem equation in place and your
self-esteem would go up!
Try it for yourself!
Don't worry - I'm not suggesting that we should all aspire to
win medals for something or obtain straight A-grades if we
study. No, I'm talking about doing well in the things that
matter to us, and those things vary from person to person.
Things such as getting along with your partner, overcoming
irrational and disproportionate feelings of jealousy, studying
hard, putting in a day's work that you feel proud of, or maybe
even something physical like losing weight if that's an
important objective for you.
Here's a very quick but powerful exercise: write down a list of
10 things that really matter to you, active things like "feeling
close to and connected with my partner". Then put a check-mark
by the ones where you're doing really well. Do you see how those
things are affecting your self-esteem? Imagine how your
self-esteem would rise if you made some improvements in those
areas that matter to you over the coming weeks. And if you don't
know quite what you can do differently, this website is here to
help you make the best possible choices.
But, make no mistake, maintaining healthy levels of self-esteem
takes a bit of effort.
And rightly so. You live in the real world, not a fantasy world.
Whether you are a good swimmer, or a good painter, or a good
mother, or a good girlfriend, depends on a great many things
that you DO, not just on what you think of yourself after
consuming a heady cocktail of self-affirmation statements served
up out of the back of the self-esteem bandwagon.
The REAL recipe for success
Improving your self-esteem is a journey that requires from YOU
some commitment to do well in those aspects of your life that
matter most to you. It also requires a bit of effort to turn
that commitment into results. Remember that equation again:
self-esteem = doing well x feelgood factor
Embarking on that journey can be a bit like deciding to climb a
steep hill. In spite of the teachings from some quarters within
the "self-esteem movement", you can't get to the top by closing
your eyes, taking a deep breath, telling yourself that you
special and deserve to be at the summit... without moving a
muscle.
Your motivation to climb that hill is much stronger if you can
visualize the steps you're going to take to get to the summit,
how exhilarated you will feel when you approach your target, and
how proud of yourself you will be for having shown the
determination to make such terrific progress.
And you don't have to climb that hill alone, or without help.
Selfesteem4women.com has been created to help women around the
world fulfil their unique potential. It has exactly the
route-maps and resources that you need, and we are standing by
to support any of our members who need additional guidance as
they work through our Self-help Programs.
I created www.selfesteem4women.com because I felt that the
"self-esteem movement" has for a long time been sending out
superficial messages and in some cases doing more harm than
good.
I wanted to share some of the useful things that I've absorbed
in my own life, having first learned about my own self-esteem
the hard way because I stumbled along a few paths that hurt me.
The pain helped me to grow up, but I made mistakes along the way
that I'd like to help other women to avoid. Over the last
thirteen years I've had the privilege of working with thousands
of women, and I've amassed a great deal of empirical evidence
that has allowed me to be very confident about what works and
what does not.
I believe that self-esteem is very important, and have dedicated
my work time to helping women everywhere bolster theirs.
If you would like help to build more confidence and self-esteem
then please visit the website:
http://www.selfesteem4women.com?ad=goart