Reflections On Recharging
It was the tired chiming of a well-loved mantel clock whose
batteries were in need of replacement that reminded me of how
precious time truly is, how it marches on even when one is at a
standstill in life. Strange that a sound that for so many years
had always brought a feeling of comfort could bring such a
urgent feeling of unfulfillment. Once a pleasant sound that I
was able to keep up with, which had beat strongly in time with
me, ticking to the many changes in my new life after the divorce
and following me to the many different homes as I began an
exciting life as newly single, then once again in a committed
relationship. Now, the chiming seemed a haunting reminder of the
many dreams that I had yet to carry through.
How is it that a mere four years earlier I had felt so young and
confident in my new life, certain in my conviction that I was
moving forward, striving towards a goal of independence. Why is
it that I am feeling so worn out and unsure of myself these
days? Perhaps it is because each morning when I look in the
mirror I do not recognize that drawn face, having lost myself to
the many needs of my family, those who I love completely and
almost to a fault. Daily I willingly do for them just what they
need and expect of me. Perhaps I need to reflect on what it is
that I need for myself.
Certainly, I cannot get enough of my beautiful, sweet grandson,
soon to be a year old, (and how can it be that a year has passed
so soon?) But, while babysitting him, at times a guilt creeps in
telling me that I need to be more productive at work. True, it
is fortunate that I have a career that enables me to work at an
office at home, wise I was that I chose this path so that I
could be there for my daughters while they were growing up, so
why not do the same with my dear little grandson?
Time, is the reason. Time has stolen my youth and left behind a
little nuisance called aging. At age 46 I just do not have the
stamina that I used to have. How can that be, when just a few
years ago I was energetically starting out in a new life, dating
and socializing. The past several years had been a whirlwind of
nonstop drama while raising two teenage daughters who suffered
much following an emotional divorce and falling completely in
love with an intelligent, generous, albeit complex and difficult
man. While outwardly I had maintained an optimistic outlook
regarding the turmoil of that divorce, inside I felt a huge
guilt and enormous pain at the ending of a 20 year marriage. All
of that has deeply adhered to my inner self, taking its toll on
me.
This past year alone, in disbelief, I have watched my oldest
daughter become a capable loving mother. I say disbelief because
it feels like only last week that it was I becoming that same
loving mother, cradling my precious daughter in my arms for the
first time as I rocked her quietly in the night. After becoming
a grandmother I know for the first time just what that phrase
'time is fleeting' means. Yes, this past year has brought
many occasions for me to feel that clock ticking faster, as well
as hear it. My youngest daughter has gone away to a University,
finding her own way on a large campus in Chicago, confidently
juggling the train, taxi's, work and college schedules. How can
it be that this is the same little girl who cried broken
heartedly when she struggled with her tap dancing. I am proud
beyond words that my daughters are becoming successful in the
paths that they have chosen. I like to think that I had some
part in them turning out to the confident, smart, lovely and
grounded young women that they are.
Now, the time has come for me to turn my attention to myself. I
have known that I need to do this for quite a while, but have
not made a concerted effort to make the time to really think
extensively about what it is I want to do for myself, which
dreams I want to hold on to and which ones to let go. Perhaps in
doing so, I will move forward, gaining a new vitality and energy
in this second phase of my life. In doing so I hope to become a
more vibrant woman, better armed for all the many demands that
those that I love dearly place on my.
But first, I must replace those batteries in the mantel clock so
that it will return to its original performance, steadfast in
keeping time to the rapid pace of my new beginning