Is Your Internate "Date" Lying to You"
Internet dating has so much going for it. It's convenient, it's
easy, it's affordable, and for many, it's the best (or only) way
to meet eligible people to date. If you live in a secluded area,
or in a place where there aren't many eligible people with the
qualifications you're looking for, it can seem like a godsend.
You can swing a wider net, and that's all to the good.
With sites such as match.com, eharmony.com,
conservativematch.com, jewishsinglesusa.com,
catholicsingles.com, true.com, seniorsingles.com,
italiansingles.com, largeandlovely.com, baldrus.com,
germansingles.com, millionairematch.com, seniorscircle.com, and
largefriends.com what a choice! And new ones are added daily.
Individuals who are looking provide data about themselves, and
in some cases, such as eharmony and true.com, take a personality
test, and the two of you send a set of prepared questions back
and forth before commencing to protected email. Some sites
attempt to match people for compatibility. Most sites allow you
to communicate within the site before sharing your real email
address, and you're cautioned not to give too much personal
information.
How can you tell if the person is misrepresenting important
facts about themselves? We heard one case where an individual
posing as a female had a long correspondence with a man, and
even flew to meet him. The poor guy was expecting a woman at the
airport. Why would someone do this? I don't know, do you? There
are some crazy people out there.
One site takes some effort to protect registrants, doing a
criminal background screening using an Internet database, to
eliminate people with a U. S. felony or sexual offense
conviction. However, Internet databases aren't reliable.
You can check for sexual offenders yourself. Most states are
required to establish and maintain a statewide Sex Offender
Database on the Internet showing people who've been convicted of
certain sex offenses and/or crimes against children. Google "sex
offender" and your state. However, these sites don't list other
criminal convictions.
Many people lie about being married. If someone is representing
themselves as single when married, they can be guilty of fraud
and subject to civil and criminal penalties under US federal and
state law. Title 18, Section 1343 of the US Code authorizes
fines up to $250,000 and jail sentences up to five years for
each offense.
But more importantly, if you get involved with someone who's
misrepresenting, you'll waste time and energy, endure
heart-break, and your physical safety may even be at risk.
You need to know, however, that Internet databases are
incomplete, even the ones you pay for. Services such as
thecloser.cc have access to privileged information. Why not
eliminate sources of worry that you can?
What can you do to protect yourself? Here are some tips:
1. Have the person investigated. This is the only way to know
for sure. 2. Keep within the confines of the dating website at
first, without exchanging any personal information. With just
your last name and home town someone can find out where you
live. That information is readily available on the 'net. 3. If
you feel it safe to meet with the person, agree to meet in a
public place. Before you go, give the person's name and
information to a friend, and take your cell phone with you. Tell
them where you're going, and specify a time for your return.
(You want to time-limit the first date anyway.) Then if you
don't return, your friend can take action. 4. Gentlemen should
know that the current dating rules, ones we recommend, are that
the gentleman do the traveling - either to some place in the
woman's neighborhood, or to her state, if from out-of-town.
Ladies, this is for your safety. The man does the work. 5. Work
with a dating/relationship coach. Those of us who work in this
area are familiar with "yellow flags" and "red flags" and can
guide you in the process. It will shorten the learning curve. 6.
Be aware that relationships conducted in writing can give a
false sense of intimacy and security. People are different on
paper than in real life. Since I coach in this area, I peruse
profiles continually. I have yet to read someone say "I have an
uncontrollable temper," "I am jealous and possessive," "I beat
my first wife, but had anger management coaching," "I'm a
gold-digger and a pathologic liar," or "I'm an alcoholic and a
sorry mother." 7. Don't read things into what is said, and let
your fantasies run wild. When a man says "I'm sensitive," he may
be recently divorced and mean he's sensitive about himself,
i.e., full of self-pity. When a woman says she's "independent"
it may mean no man has wanted her so far - for good reasons. 8.
Gentlemen, avoid women with "professions" that preclude stable
relationships, such as strippers and belly dancers. Exercise
caution with women who have had children but never married,
unless you fancy paying child support for 18 years for a child
you didn't want in the first place. If she did it to someone
else, she will do it to you. (You can also end up with custody
of the child if he or she bonds with you and requests it, and/or
the court orders it.) 9. Ladies, any man who proposes to you in
an email should be eliminated. It demonstrates either a lack of
reason, or desperation. Send them to the Russian bride site!
Don't fool yourself that you're "that special" and someone's
finally discovered "the real you." It isn't about you.
Furthermore, men fall in love visually, and when the two of you
meet is when the rubber hits the road. 10. Be wary of
individuals from outside the US who come on too strong. It's a
sad fact of life they may be interested in getting papers. 11.
Meet the person (when you feel it's safe) as soon as possible,
and until then, don't let your heart go. It's the "fit" between
the two of you, the chemistry (emotional and mental as well as
physical), and that must be explored over time, and in person.
12. Go slowly. Use your head. Think. If it seems to be too good
to be true, it is. 13. Avoid people who are separated or newly
divorced. Let them cut their teeth on someone else. Men,
particularly, move too fast, wanting to assuage the emotional
pain with "the love of a woman." You want to be loved for the
individual woman you are, after being known, not some woman -
any woman - who gives affection. 14. Avoid people who clearly
don't want you to know them. If you feel like they're hiding
something, they are! 15. Use your EQ and your IQ. Think smart,
and manage your emotions.
Your goal is to take care of yourself and find the love of your
life. Hopefully you'll have an enjoyable experience dating on
the Internet. Like anything else, you'll get better with
practice, and learn how to eliminate non-candidates more
rapidly. There are plenty of great people looking on the
Internet. After all, you are, aren't you?