Hate the Abuser, not the Abused!
Abuse is the most horrible attempt at power that I have ever
researched! This is why:
The shame that is felt by an abused person is so deep that it
takes years to unfold, then years to put in a safe place. Some
never get that far. They turn to drugs, alcohol, and even eating
disorders that tear their physical being apart. Some even repeat
the same actions that were done to them with, their spouses or
children.
Definition of Shame: "the painful feeling arising from the
consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous,
etc., done by oneself or another." In the issue of abuse, shame
is what the victim is left to deal with and live with forever.
An abused person can turn their guilt towards their abuser to
free themselves of that horrible feeling, but they are still
scarred by shame. They continue to suffer in a torture that is
far worse than the actual abuse they have experienced. To feel
powerless and unable to stop the abuse, is just the beginning of
the after effects of the horrible shock that their mind has had
to deal with. To know and to fear that it will occur again and
again, and that they are just one step away from crying out for
help, but cannot, is another part of the shame that haunts them.
Most abuse victims do not understand that it is not their
physical self that has undergone the abuse. The mental abuse is
what hurts so much. It's just a means to an end in the abusers
mind. It's a green light, so to speak, for them to enter. The
abuser will use that to feel the power that is being seeked
through abuse. And also to take away your power, thus leaving
you powerless. By making the abused person feel powerless, their
emotional well-being is tortured. That is where the abused needs
to start to repair themselves, in their mind. They need to focus
on their emotional wounds first and foremost. Only then can the
healing process begin.
I really want to stress here that the abuser made sure that you
are in a NO WIN situation and that all the aces are in their
hand. There is not one thing that you could have said, thought,
or done in preparation for this horrible attack. You are NOT at
fault. The entire demeaning, emotional attack was way out of
your hands to stop. The abuser used a very detailed plan in
regards to what steps would get you at exactly the right time
and with what method.
Many victims will seek out professional help. Some victims wait
until they have already tried many, not so healthy, ways to
escape the reality of the abuse period. Some never even get that
far. They are the ones that give in to the pain and elect to
erase themselves. (suicide).
A very important thing that all abused victims should HEAR me
say is that your abuser has put a lot of energy and thought into
their plan. Their plan was to delete you of all power and to
make them "The All-Powerful". You had NO chance, even before the
beginning of your abuse. Have you ever said that you would
rather endure physical pain than to have the mental agony eat
you apart? That is what an abused victim feels with every
breathe they take.
The abuser will use any tricks to corner its prey, such as
coercion, weapons, surprise attacks, and an age difference
whether it be younger or much older victims. Abusers have even
been reported using their power in their job title, or position
as landlords. Male abusers may hold financial security over
their victims head as a threat in order to keep them from
leaving and seeking help outside the home (prison). Men, in
general, are more capable of using violence than women. This
fact alone places women as an easier target for abuse.
Victims of abuse go through many different emotions through out
their existence, after the abuse, and even during. They tend to:
-Think only negative -Think with two minds -Be quick to assume
outcomes -They are constantly comparing themselves to others and
usually putting themselves down -They feel sorrowful for
everyone around them, continue to nurture a resentment emotion,
feel the need to always be holding someone responsible for their
pain or vice-verse -They allow low self-esteem to control them,
thinking that in some way if they keep themselves down, they
will be forgiven for their guilt. The same guilt that comes from
the shame of their nightmare.
Shame is a very controlling emotion. It's an emotion that your
mind can rid itself of. You must stop judging yourself. Hate the
abuser, hate the actions, and hate the ways that you feel from
the horrible experiences that you have survived. Hate that you
did not kill that bad person, hate that someone else did not
hear your cries for help, hate that you were the chosen victim,
hate that you did not wake up and it was all a very bad dream.
Hate all that and hate it hard.
Now, separate that hate from the hate that you feel for
yourself. Scream at the hate that you feel inside. It is that
hate that is keeping you weak. With that weakness, shame, guilt,
self doubt, and self-hate are being allowed to toy with your
mind which is totally abusing your life now. Can you see what
has happened now? You, in fact have become the abuser to you.
The one thing that you hate so much is in you now. As quickly as
you can say "STOP", do it. Stop abusing you. Stop allowing the
past abuse to rule your life. Laugh at it, kick at it, spit at
it, call it the worst names you can think of. PLEASE, PLEASE ,
JUST STOP HURTING YOU. Love you, hug you, know that you are
SPECIAL, and that you are not the abuser. You were the victim,
the innocent person in a NO WIN situation. You can do it. Have
faith in you. It's time to change the chapter in your book and
write a much sunnier, happier chapter. You are the author of
your book of life. You can change the page. It is in your hands
to do.
Build your self-esteem so that you can stomp out your fears,
anxieties, and anger. I will look forward to reading your new
book. Please feel free to share with me your story, so I can
appreciate your book of life. There are also others that may
gain strength through your book. Abuse is not acceptable, nor is
it human. Please stop the abuse!!!
*******************************************
"Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks
of
bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone
that you
love and think loves you in return. It is estimated that
approximately
3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year
in the
United States."
-Dianne Feinstein ********************************************
"Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime."
-Herbert Ward