Surfing the Edge of the Known
* Spending a lot of energy wondering what's next for you?
* Oscillating from being sure you're in transition to worrying
that you're being neurotic to declaring firmly that life is fine
and you better not even think of rocking the proverbial boat?
* Find yourself muttering, "I don't know" (and wishing you did)
about your work, creative passion, or life purpose?
* Sense a deep, rumbling change brewing beneath the surface--a
new stage of being trying to be birthed?
* Worried that if you don't keep pushing you'll never know,
never move forward, or never get on with your life?
You just may be surfing the edge of the known, otherwise known
as being in transition, metamorphosis (the cocoon stage), the
I-have-no-idea-who-I-am or what-I-want stage. Why think of it as
surfing the edge of the known? Because what you have known, in
at least one area of your life, is no longer sufficient to get
you where you want to go next, even though you may have no idea
where that is. You are being called to mindfully and skillfully
surf your edge and ride the waves into the unknown for the sake
of answering the call of your longing.
Sounds romantic and exciting -- and it can be. It can also be
hell on the ego, wildly disorienting, grindingly long, and
stunningly lonely. Why me? You may find yourself crying.
Everybody else seems satisfied and sure of their life's
direction or intimate relationship or creative calling. The hard
truth is you are being called and the price of consciousness is
not cheap. Are you willing to pay? To play? If you say no, and
we all do, at least the first time, be aware: you will be asked
again. And again. And then again.
It can seem like you are always in a transition. Technology has
increased the frequency of transitions in our lives. Western
educated adults are expected to have three careers in their
lifetime. Few find it odd, at least in the United States, to go
back to school when you're 35 or 52 or 81, sell a business and
start a new one, or take up an new artistic discipline. The
divorce rate hovers at 50%. People move an average of every 5
years. It appears transitions are here to stay, and it would
behoove us all to learn how to negotiate them with dignity,
skill, and even a smidgen of grace.
Here are the ideas that have worked for me and my teaching
partner Master Coach Molly Gordon, and hundreds of our clients
and retreat participants.
1. Acknowledge the passage.
How many of us keep pretending everything is the same when
something in us shouts, "This no longer works. Something is
changing!" If we hang on to the familiar, we are living the
definition of insanity: keep doing the same thing and expect
something different. If your car stops moving and you keep
insisting nothing is the matter, I'll warrant you aren't going
anywhere until you acknowledge the breakdown. Nothing can change
until you recognize something more, something new, wants to come
into being and thus something that has been is no longer
sufficient.
2. Forget knowing.
The very nature of a transition is YOU DON'T KNOW. Often, you
don't know what you don't know. Confusion is actually a good
sign (keep repeating that to yourself). Trying to know too soon
can be a spiritual and learning dead-end. Not to mention
paralyzing, misleading, and a great way to feed perfectionism
and procrastination.
Instead, train your mind to be more comfortable with not
knowing. Practicing acknowledging you don't know -- directions,
how to finish a project at work, what the capital of Uzbekistan
is. Say out loud at least once a day, "I don't know." Even
things you think you do know, try saying, "I don't know if I'm
successful" or "I don't know if I'm smart."
Gratefully acknowledge "I don't know" as a mood of ripe
possibility, the mood of learning. Learning is why transitions
exist!
3. Cultivate authentic trust.
Ask: What criteria can I use to create authentic trust in myself
during this time of not knowing?
"Authentic trust exists when you are aware that the possibility
for betrayal exists. You choose to trust knowing that when a
promise is broken or a commitment is unfulfilled, you can take
appropriate and effective action. Authentic trust is a dynamic
and evolving part of a relationship that needs constant
nurturing," is how Master Coach Julio Olalla defines trust.When
you are stumbling through a personal fog bank of confusion,
acknowledge that the possibility for self-betrayal exists. Don't
turn away from this because when you do, you fall into blind
trust -- trust without parameters, without conditions for
satisfaction -- and from here it is so tempting to spin into
faulty assumptions, ungrounded assessments, magical thinking:
the true crater of gloom (which can last for years).
Create conditions for authentic trust for yourself. If I ask my
daughter to pluck the tent caterpillars off the blueberry bushes
each day but I don't check in with her, I'm blindly trusting
her. Which is not to say I don't trust her intentions, it's just
she may need help executing her intentions. Same for you. If you
decide you are going to spend a half an hour every morning
asking for guidance about your future, how will you support
yourself? Where have you been fuzzy or blind in your commitments
to listen before? What or who will waylay you? Where do you need
to stretch or strengthen yourself to follow through?
Or if you declare you will take a graphic design course and in
the past, you have signed up but then became scared and quit,
what will help you to trust the process this time? What needs to
be different? Who can support you? Be very specific!
Name in writing what action you can take to reestablish trust if
you betray yourself. How will you regroup? How will you deal
honestly and compassionately with yourself? Look the monster
squarely in the face.
4. Design generative stories.
We all live in stories -- it is how our brains make sense of our
world by constructing linear narratives. We all love stories.
The only problemis when we believe our stories are THE TRUTH or
when our stories make our world smaller, dingier, and stingier.
You have the right to play with your interpretation that fear,
uncertainty or confusion is a sign that you are on the wrong
track or that you are completely screwed. Instead, you can
design a story that you are moving to a new level of
development, discovering another layer of aliveness, engaging in
creating a more complex consciousness and a more satisfying
life. You could ask yourself, "How am I developing new
capacities to express my gifts in the world?" and "What
practices would support me in finding and taking my next step?"
Or you can keep believing the ungrounded story that you are an
idiot who better put her head in the sand and keep doing the
same old thing or the sky will fall. Your choice.
Surely Christopher Columbus was nervous when he set out to
perhaps fall off the edge of the known world. Why shouldn't we
be scared when we set out to do something new, especially when
we don't know what this new thing is or if we can do it? Being
afraid and ready to jump out of your skin is a normal reaction
to change. Acknowledge it as such. Be curious about your
stories, interpretations, and assessments about why being
uncomfortable is bad or wrong. Why? What's the difference
between fear and excitement? The sensations in our bodies are
very similar.
5. Consider what you need to learn.
Several years ago, Toni posted this on
http://www.comfortqueen.com message boards: "I think I've
finally figured out why I've been so horribly blocked about
photography. I've been processing my classic money excuses for
not taking photographs: they don't hold water. The reason I'm
hesitant to take out my camera is plain, old-fashioned lack of
technical proficiency! I'm never certain whether the way I'm
setting the camera is correct. I know this sounds really
fundamental and like a big ol' DUH, but it honestly hadn't
occurred to me until yesterday.
"I progressed from having a "good eye" right into the darkroom,
produced some good prints, and I just assumed I knew all I
needed to. In fact, I had skipped over a very fundamental part
of the learning process. So what happens now is when I pick up
my camera, I'm totally paralyzed. My lack of training is what's
been holding me back!"
Notice how many new possibilities open for Toni when she asks,
"What do I need to learn to move forward?" versus the story "I
should already know how to do this. Look how long I've been
doing it." Notice too how something that was closed or
frustrating to Toni became a ripe new path. How often do we
prolong our transitions by refusing to learn, by shoulding on
ourselves?
6. Stop Pushing the River.
Lest this article give you the idea you must immediately rush
out and make your transition happen, please remember that these
changes do have a rhythm of their own. Listen for that rhythm.
If everything in you is screaming for time to slow down, then
slow down. You may think this will slow down knowing what is
next but you are wrong. The fastest way through the foggy lost
time is always to slow down and feel, to listen, to be with
whatever arises, moment by moment. Only then can you discern
what is being asked of you and how best to surf off the edge of
the world.
7. Be Kind to Yourself.
Please. You are not bad or broken or thick. You are human and
wondrous and being called to evolve to something more satisfying
and complex. Find others you can talk to about this. Join us for
a retreat or tele-class. Find a friend or an on-line community
to help you feel less alone. Trust your inner knowing -- it is
there, truly reliable and loving. All you have to do is quiet
down enough to listen.