Rape Defense Training and One Woman's Crusade - Susan's Story
(Part 1)
One Woman's Story That Changed My Life (part 1)
I, like most men, had grown up in an era, much like those of the
decades before, that collectively believed that women who
reported rape were:
1) Never really raped at all. Instead they were mad at their
boyfriend or "some-guy" for whatever reason and were using this
as a weapon to "get him in trouble." Or, worse yet,
2) "Asking for it," because of they way they dressed, talked, or
presented themselves.
As for the first belief, I believe that this may happen
occasionally. However, one would have to be living in a cultural
vaccuum to believe that this is the reason that a six year old
tells someone that she was "touched and now it hurts," or the
nun found battered and bruised who reports that she was sexually
assaulted by a seventeen year old. And the second belief? Can
you imagine the burglar sitting in court and saying, "Your
honor, honestly, I mean the way that TV was placed in that
display window, all sleak and shiny and with such a fine picture
tube and all - I mean, c'mon your honor, it was just asking to
be stolen." Can you?
One of the 'things' that put me on the road that I eventually
followed in becoming a police officer, bodyguard and self
protection teacher, is my own inherent 'distrust' and rebellion
against what we'll call conventional wisdom. I can't tell you
how painful it has been for me to listen to law enforcement
officials, lawyers, judges and even so-called self-defense
experts expressing either or both of these same beliefs.
Especially in light of all of the evidence that's available.
Anyway, one day, several years ago, minding my own business, I
find myself in a McDonald's restaurant. While enjoying lunch
with my wife and two children, I pick up on what sounded like an
evangelical presentation at some table across from where we were
sitting. This, coupled with the obvious discomfort displayed by
the faces and bodies of the man and woman that were the
recipients of the message, caused me to give the conversation
more than casual attention. At the time, I was a federal police
officer with about six years of street experience under my belt,
so disturbances like these were something that I naturally and
instinctly tuned in on.
What I found when I looked was a small woman, roughly in her
late twenties but no more than thirty, talking to a couple at
the next table. The look on the woman's face was no less than
passionate and her tone was very direct - almost panicked. But,
not for herself, for the man's female companion. What I heard
next, forever changed the way that I would talk about the
subjects of rape and women's self-defense.
You see, this woman, we'll call her Susan, had been the victim
of rape. By the time I met her, Susan had recovered
significantly from what would be described today as post
traumatic stress disorder - the traumatic mental and emotional
aftermath of what began as a physical attack on her body. Unlike
most victims of rape though, Susan had taken it upon herself to
tell every woman - and man or men connected to her - her story,
the lessons she had learned, most of all, to learn how to
protect herself! In fact Susan was on a crusade. She gave talks
to schools, groups, and yes, even the impromptu presentations
like the one I was witnessing, in a McDonald's restaurant. And,
she was very good at it. Because for Susan, it was personal.
I think that part of the reason for the discomfort in Susan's
listeners was that Susan was talking about a subject that is
taboo, and especially with strangers. I mean, really, rape?
That's sex, right? Yeah, sure, it's a crime, but it's a "sex"
crime - "sex" - you don't talk about that, right? But Susan did,
and she was passionate about it.
Susan was passionate about it because this one incident, this
one type of assault that's routinely trivialized and ignored in
our homes, in our schools, and, yes, in our courts, had
shattered almost every belief that she had about the crime, who
it happens to and her own ability to cope with it.
She was looking at and talking to the man when I came into the
conversation. "Do you love her?," she was asking him. "How much?"
"Of course," he said. "But it's my job to protect her." All the
while his companion snuggled close to him, nodding in agreement,
but abviously avoiding the committed look in Susan's determined
eyes.
"But, you can't protect her," was Susan's reply.
"Can't protect her?" The very words stab into a man's ego and
the look on her target's face told me that this was a sensitive
issue and one that was not open for discussion. Because for him,
and most men in general, protecting one's loved-ones is not a
possibility, it's a given.
But, Susan was unstoppable. "How much time are you with her in
an average day?" was Susan's next question. "Do you work? Does
she? Because," continued this little woman with fire in her
heart, "unless you're with her every day, all the time, you
can't even begin to say that."
Then, came Susan's personal story of trajedy in the face of what
she had held to be true for her entire life. Everything she had
been taught: good girls don't have to worry about rape, only the
pretty or promiscuous girls get raped, if it does happen just
give him what he wants and you'll be fine; every belief she
could think of that supported her self-assurance that 'she' was
not and never would be a target, was shattered and crushed by
the reality she had never been taught and for many women, never
accepted.
She told the couple that, prior to her attacker's brutal
assault, she too held the beliefs that she was hearing from
them. She told them that their answers were not unique. She
heard them from just about everyone, everywhere she went. But,
as Susan found out, these answers where only providing a false
sense of security - security that had at it's foundation not
stone and mortar, but toothpicks and glue. And, if her
listener's did nothing to correct those beliefs, they would find
themselves in the same condition she was left in by her attacker
- used, confused, and feeling empty and lost, with nowhere to
hide.
As Susan's story went on, we find that the physical wounds from
rape heal very quickly compared to the invisible scarring that,
like seeds waiting for Springtime, lies dormant under the
surface - hidden from the world - until the right time. Because,
as Susan pointed out, what she didn't know about rape combined
with what she didn't know about how her body would respond to
it, caused her more hurt and suffering in the long term than the
actual physical act itself.
Susan told her listeners that, she did not resist her attacker.
After all, he just wanted sex, right? It's just about the sex.
She did not resist, consciously. Well, not until he started
beating her.
Susan's story shows the truth that rape is not a crime of sex,
it's a crime of violence. I know you've heard this before. It's
the cornerstone of the whole rape-prevention educational system
today and is at the forefront of programs given by rape crisis
centers in most places in the world. And, while this is not the
truth in every case, especially in date rape and rape involving
college girls where the man really does want the sex and is
willing to get it by force, in Susan's case, her assailant
didn't want sex for the pleasure of sex. No, to him, sex was a
weapon to dominate, humiliate, and control a woman because it
attacks her at her very core. To a rapist, sex is a tool that,
when used in this way, violates that one part of a woman's body
and her inner-self that she believes she has complete control of.
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In part 2, you'll get a glimpse of the aftermath of Susan's
experience, her discoveries and eventual realization that both
allowed her to recover and re-introduce the family members and
other male friends she had alienated back into her life. I hope
you've been able to learn something from this story up to this
point. To read part two of Susan's story and find out how it
changed me and my approach to teaching self-defense to both men
and women, go here.