Coping with Various Types of Stalkers
Stalkers are not made of one cloth. Some of them are
psychopaths, others are schizoids, narcissists, paranoids, or an
admixture of these mental health disorders. Stalkers harass
their victims because they are lonely, or because it is fun
(these are latent sadists), or because they can't help it
(clinging or codependent behaviour), or for a myriad different
reasons.
Clearly, coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may
backfire or prove to be futile with another. The only
denominator common to all bullying stalkers is their pent-up
rage. The stalker is angry at his or her targets and hates them.
He perceives his victims as unnecessarily and churlishly
frustrating. The aim of stalking is to "educate" the victim and
to punish her.
Hence the catch-22 of coping with stalkers:
The standard - and good - advice is to avoid all contact with
your stalker, to ignore him, even as you take precautions. But
being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his
frustration. The more he feels sidelined and stonewalled, the
more persistent he becomes, the more intrusive and the more
aggressive.
It is essential, therefore, to first identify the type of abuser
you are faced with.
(1) The Erotomaniac
This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you and
that, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the
feeling is reciprocal (you are in love with him). He interprets
everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages
confessing your eternal devotion to him and to your
"relationship". Erotomaniacs are lonely, socially-inapt people.
They may also be people with whom you have been involved
romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a
one night stand) - or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or
co-workers).
Best coping strategy
Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even
acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws
and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out
of proportion every comment or gesture of his "loved one". Avoid
contact - do not talk to him, return his gifts unopened, refuse
to discuss him with others, delete his correspondence.
(2) The Narcissist
Feels entitled to your time, attention, admiration, and
resources. Interprets every rejection as an act of aggression
which leads to a narcissistic injury. Reacts with sustained rage
and vindictiveness. Can turn violent because he feels omnipotent
and immune to the consequences of his actions.
Best coping strategy
Make clear that you want no further contact with him and that
this decision is not personal. Be firm. Do not hesitate to
inform him that you hold him responsible for his stalking,
bullying, and harassment and that you will take all necessary
steps to protect yourself. Narcissists are cowards and easily
intimidated. Luckily, they never get emotionally attached to
their prey and so can move on with ease.
(3) The Paranoid
By far the most dangerous the lot. Lives in an inaccessible
world of his own making. Cannot be reasoned with or cajoled.
Thrives on threats, anxiety, and fear. Distorts every
communication to feed his persecutory delusions.
>From the article "Avoiding Your Paranoid Ex":
"The paranoid's conduct is unpredictable and there is no
"typical scenario". But experience shows that you can minimise
the danger to yourself and to your household by taking some
basic steps.
If at all possible, put as much physical distance as you can
between yourself and the stalker. Change address, phone number,
email accounts, cell phone number, enlist the kids in a new
school, find a new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank
account. Do not inform your paranoid ex about your whereabouts
and your new life. You may have to make painful sacrifices, such
as minimize contact with your family and friends.
Even with all these precautions, your abusive ex is likely to
find you, furious that you have fled and evaded him, raging at
your newfound existence, suspicious and resentful of your
freedom and personal autonomy. Violence is more than likely.
Unless deterred, paranoid former spouses tend to be harmful,
even lethal.
Be prepared: alert your local law enforcement officers, check
out your neighbourhood domestic violence shelter, consider
owning a gun for self-defence (or, at the very least, a stun gun
or mustard spray). Carry these with you at all times. Keep them
close by and accessible even when you are asleep or in the
bathroom.
Erotomanic stalking can last many years. Do not let down your
guard even if you haven't heard from him. Stalkers leave traces.
They tend, for instance, to "scout" the territory before they
make their move. A typical stalker invades his or her victim's
privacy a few times long before the crucial and injurious
encounter.
Is your computer being tampered with? Is someone downloading
your e-mail? Has anyone been to your house while you were away?
Any signs of breaking and entering, missing things, atypical
disorder (or too much order)? Is your post being delivered
erratically, some of the envelopes opened and then sealed?
Mysterious phone calls abruptly disconnected when you pick up?
Your stalker must have dropped by and is monitoring you.
Notice any unusual pattern, any strange event, any weird
occurrence. Someone is driving by your house morning and
evening? A new "gardener" or maintenance man came by in your
absence? Someone is making enquiries about you and your family?
Maybe it's time to move on.
Teach your children to avoid your paranoid ex and to report to
you immediately any contact he has made with them. Abusive
bullies often strike where it hurts most - at one's kids.
Explain the danger without being unduly alarming. Make a
distinction between adults they can trust - and your abusive
former spouse, whom they should avoid.
Ignore your gut reactions and impulses. Sometimes, the stress is
so onerous and so infuriating that you feel like striking back
at the stalker. Don't do it. Don't play his game. He is better
at it than you are and is likely to defeat you. Instead, unleash
the full force of the law whenever you get the chance to do so:
restraining orders, spells in jail, and frequent visits from the
police tend to check the abuser's violent and intrusive conduct.
The other behavioural extreme is equally futile and
counterproductive. Do not try to buy peace by appeasing your
abuser. Submissiveness and attempts to reason with him only whet
the stalker's appetite. He regards both as contemptible
weaknesses, vulnerabilities he can exploit. You cannot
communicate with a paranoid because he is likely to distort
everything you say to support his persecutory delusions, sense
of entitlement, and grandiose fantasies. You cannot appeal to
his emotions - he has none, at least not positive ones.
Remember: your abusive and paranoid former partner blames it all
on you. As far as he is concerned, you recklessly and
unscrupulously wrecked a wonderful thing you both had going. He
is vengeful, seething, and prone to bouts of uncontrolled and
extreme aggression. Don't listen to those who tell you to "take
it easy". Hundreds of thousands of women paid with their lives
for heeding this advice. Your paranoid stalker is inordinately
dangerous - and, more likely than not, he is with you for a long
time to come."
(4) The Antisocial (Psychopath)
Though ruthless and, typically, violent, the psychopath is a
calculating machine, out to maximize his gratification and
personal profit. Psychopaths lack empathy and may even be
sadistic - but understand well and instantly the language of
carrots and sticks.
Best coping strategy
Convince your psychopath that messing with your life or with
your nearest is going to cost him dearly. Do not threaten him.
Simply, be unequivocal about your desire to be left in peace and
your intentions to involve the Law should he stalk, harass, or
threaten you. Give him a choice between being left alone and
becoming the target of multiple arrests, restraining orders, and
worse. Take extreme precautions at all times and meet him only
in public places.