To All the Men I'll Never Love Again
Where do I begin to tell the stories of what a fatal sin it was
falling for you all. I can do little but grin when I remember
how a name of yours rings a heartache or two. And oh, how glad
now I could rid myself of each one - old and new. I believe if I
have accomplished a thing in this life, it must have been
un-loving you. Please forgive my poetic mood and my very
un-Iglesias lack of grace. He is a man and must have enjoyed
being on the receiving end forever.
With each lazy giver, I lost a dream.And every time, I
experienced La Vie en Violet, until things became crystal clear,
finally. Men seem to take your love vows for total surrender to
them, and your fate. So, why should they invest any effort in
you, now that they have got you? Better not waste time and chase
someone new. Otherwise, it gets very boring . No flowers are
sent forever; and watch out, women, if you are getting them for
no reason past the first year! He is cheating on you- period.
Always remember that Philip- Junot-creep buying Caroline de
Monaco all the furs and jewels to cover up his disloyalty to the
exceedingly beautiful princess. Why do men stick to you like
glue when they go here and there behind your back? Mostly, it is
a security issue; they cannot live alone, ever. Better have an
anchor and board a dozen ships! And when they run away with
someone else? It is because you serve no purpose to them anymore
now that they could replace you entirely.
What are men looking for that you failed to supply? Variety. If
you could be short yet tall, fat though slim, smart but dim,
happy-go-lucky and yet a calculated vamp, blonde but colored,
sexy and demure, trashy and classy - in short, if you could be
you and me and her and her too, then you might be able to keep
him ( unless he turns out to be bisexual or worse still,
polyamorous). But not all men are cheaters? Of course not. Not
all, just most. And if they are not cheaters, they will push you
to all limits to cheat on them. If you fail, they would die at
the most inopportune moment in your life for an accidental
reason like in a plane crash or through anal pleasure with a
vibrator. Did you hear of Mike Todd? And Claude Francois? Those
are the only men after Jesus who left no feminine scandals
attached to their names.
And if the other woman is not as beautiful as you? Do not worry!
He will find something else with which she can compete and win
you - perhaps she is good at jokes? Perhaps she is Spanish?(
Think Penelope Cruz!); Perhaps she looks like his mother? (think
Camila Parker!); perhaps she is a cartoonist he met again in
Paris (think Sally-Ann Lasson!); And who knows, perhaps she was
married to his best friend; she even could be your best friend ,
which should translate automatically to a better you - you know.
Yet, you could be one of those very lucky few. He would leave a
model for you, give you a cocaine addiction then hang himself in
a hotel room (think Michael Hutchinson!).
What are men good for? Tough question. They could open doors,
carry heavy shopping bags, pay bills, give you a fake orgasm
when you are dying to feel like a porn star, give you a name to
use for the rest of your life, grant you a divorce settlement,
bestow a title, and call you the mother of their children out of
respect to show eternal gratitude. And if most of the above do
not apply? They can paint walls, drain pipes, mow grass and
arrange a troubadore life for you and the children in anything
ranging from a caravan to single-mothers homes. They can even
leave a wedding picture to testify you were desired by at least
one testosterone-infected creature so you would never be accused
of being an old maid. Not even that? So we are talking gigolos;
but then you must be filthy rich, horribly ugly and obviously
old. If you are all that, you are a born winner. You can afford
the best human vibrators and pay nothing but cash for excellent
services.
Did I say I was writing this to all the men I loved before who
were shown my back door? I said it when I only meant them to
know what I say behind their back to all the women they have in
store.Sing please!