Regain the Romance and Sparkle in Your Relationship
If only relationships could be as exciting and romantic as when
we first met. You know, all that intensity, enthusiasm,
excitement and, of course, sex. I'm sure you've felt it: hating
being apart, even for a short time; being unable to concentrate
on anything else for very long; and waiting to be together
again. When you are together, you hang onto every word, marvel
at every part of your lover's body, and feel so wonderful, you
smile all the time.
Does this all have to end? Are relationships doomed to
predictable and boring routines of shopping, preparing meals,
doing the dishes, laundry, watching T.V., talking about work,
taking care of the kids, fighting, and sleeping? Definitely not.
In fact, long term lovers can become even more enchanted with
each other, since their passion grows from a deeper knowledge
and fondness for each other. But time alone does not help a
relationship to fourish-it requires a willingness to take risks,
and special, persistent attention.
Many couples love each other deeply, and genuinely enjoy each
others' company, yet feel that the relationship is stale. They
long for some of the old intensity, romance, and spontaneity.
Others don't see the need for that intensity, or even believe
that it's possible to feel that again. They assume that
intensity exists only at the beginning of a relationship, and
that "mature love" is more settled and less exciting. While how
we feel toward each other certainly changes and evolves over the
years, the truth is that our relationships reflect what we put
into them.
Children can be so carefree and loving because they have lived
for just a few years-a much shorter time in which to accumulate
negative experiences and build up feelings of resentment, anger,
and mistrust. Relationships are similar to this. In the
beginning, we don't know each other very well, and aren't
carrying around resentments from past interactions with each
other. As the years go by, these resentments accumulate. We no
longer look at our partner with the same fresh, unjudging eyes.
It can help to look at our partner with a fresh look, let go of
past baggage, and remember all the reasons we love her/him so
much. This means stretching past any resentments, and opening up
to feeling and giving love more fully.
So, how can you regain some of that old spark? Start out by
thinking about your partner and all the reasons that you love
her/him. Ask yourself:
what s/he means to you; what it is about her/him that you love;
when was the last time that you told her/him how much you love
her/him in a real feeling way; and whether you have written
her/him a love letter, or left a love note under her/his pillow
or in her/his briefcase recently. Give yourself permission to
creatively express your love. You can make a card, a little book
of love, coupons s/he redeems with you for a massage, dinner, or
whatever you know s/he'd enjoy. You could write a love poem,
sing to her/him, or read an erotic passage out of a book. Don't
be shy; your partner will be touched by the love you put into it.
Consider doing something silly with your lover that you used to
do when you first dated, no matter how silly it seems-in fact,
the sillier the better. Take time to enjoy your partner. Let the
dishes and laundry pile up if necessary.
Need some more ideas? Here's a few:
Surprise your sweetie with tickets to an event you think s/he'd
really enjoy. Hide them where s/he'll find them.
Take her/him out on a date where s/he gets to choose whatever
s/he wants to do, even if it's something you wouldn't ordinarily
want to do (remember to be gracious).
Take turns planning weekly dates, where you take turns deciding
what to do. A date could be a picnic in a park, a drive in the
country, a trip to an art gallery, or a movie.
Turn your home into a fine restaurant for one evening. Surprise
your lover with a menu, music, candles, a delicious meal, and
table service (that's you). If you're frequently too busy to
find time together, make spending time together a priority. Show
your partner that s/he is your priority.
Take a day off from all responsibilities, including the
telephone, and just do what you both really want to do. Be
completely spontaneous, and if you can't agree, take turns doing
what you both want.
Devote yourself to your partner's wishes for a fixed amount of
time. S/he gets to decide whatever s/he wants you to do
(assuming you agree to it). S/he may want to be held, have you
read poetry, receive a massage, be understood about something,
have you clean the kitchen, or be taken out for coffee. Taking
turns with this can be a lot of fun.
Be playful with each other. Feed each other with your fingers,
stay in bed all day, take a walk in the rain, sing old tunes you
both know, or have a pillow fight. It doesn't matter what you
do, just that you have fun again.
Find a time to look deeply and lovingly into your lover's eyes;
words are not necessary. Look at her/his face and see her/his
beauty and uniqueness. Tell her/him what you see and feel. Take
the risk to feel the depth of your emotions and to share that
with your lover. At night before you fall asleep, tell her/him
something that you love about her/him. Remember, you're the one
who knows what your lover really enjoys. Surprise her/him with
something special-don't wait for a birthday or anniversary.
The idea is, no matter what you do, make it special.
These are just a few suggestions to help you regain some of the
sparkle in your relationship. Don't be afraid to let your
imagination go wild, or to appear silly. Your partner will enjoy
the love and thought you've put into it, and over time you may
find your relationship feeling vibrant once more.