The Confident Seeker
My clients are young and older, male and female, rich and
not-so-rich. They are planners, engineers, marketers,
filmmakers, community activists, designers, social workers and
sales managers, to name a few. Their goals range from moderate,
in-place change to "just help me find a job" to significant
career-change.
As a result of this experience, one thing is abundantly clear:
a diminished sense of confidence tags right along with everyone
who seeks out a new opportunity or a meaningful career. It's a
nasty little irony: just when you need it most, your personal
power slips right out of your grasp.
No one is immune, even though it often feels like you are the
only one who is vulnerable. Whether your search is one of choice
or through the force of downsizing, or whether you hold a fancy
title or not, a landing in a new job or career is intimidating
for all there is to learn...the choices...the financial
insecurity...and the ultimate uncertainty of all: "Will I really
find what I'm looking for?"
It chips away, making your voice weaker, your actions heavier.
You wonder "Will they like me? Will they hire me? Can I continue
to please my boss?"
Lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of
ability. Rather, seekers who lack confidence depend excessively
on the approval of others in order to feel good about
themselves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear
failure. They generally do not expect to be successful. They
often put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore
compliments paid to them.
By contrast, self-confident people are willing to risk the
disapproval of others because they generally trust their own
abilities. They tend to accept themselves; they don't feel they
have to conform in order to be accepted.
How is Self-Confidence Developed?
Many factors affect the development of self-confidence. Parents'
attitudes are crucial to a child's sense of self-worth,
particularly in the child's early years. When parents are
accepting, children receive a solid foundation for good feelings
about themselves. If one or both parents are excessively
critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and
discourage moves toward independence, children come to believe
they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior.
However, if parents encourage a child to moves toward
self-reliance and accept and love their children when they make
mistakes, he or she will learn to accept themselves and will be
on their way to developing self-confidence.
Playing A Stronger Game
Does this mean this mean that, as an adult, you are doomed if
you weren't blessed with the perfect childhood?
No, of course not. It does suggest, however, the wisdom of
examining any beliefs you hold that negatively influence your
confidence. For example, believing that you must have approval
from every significant person in your life is a perfectionist
and unattainable goal. It is more desirable to develop personal
standards and values that are meaningful to you and not
dependent on the approval of others. Similarly, if you wallow in
"the past has done me wrong", consider that, as an adult, you
can become aware of those influences and make a choice to move
beyond the ones that no longer serve you.
And here are 7 more ways to step into your power:
1. Develop a strong personal foundation. Clean up unfinished
business that chips away at your sense of self; understand your
inner gifts and talents, and articulate the values that are most
important to you.
2. Create an empowering environment. Eliminate the people and
things that take your energy and power from you.
3. Let go of obligations -- even if only for a few hours. Do
something that inspires you.
4. Physical self-care. This always precedes personal power. When
you are feeling low physically, everything else will fall a
little flat.
5. Remember a pride story. For an instant confidence boost,
recall an event or an accomplishment that you are quite proud
of. Ask "What inner qualities did it take for me to achieve
this?" to tip the confidence scales in your favor.
6. Give up old hurts. They keep you in victim mode.
7. Create thoughts that transform. When negative thoughts take
hold, acknowledge them...and replace them with a positive
affirmation.
When you tap into your personal greatness, your world opens up.
It is easier to take new steps and assume risks. You are
mentally, physically and emotionally expanded - which radiates
to those around you. You are centered, clear-headed and able to
focus on moving forward.
Most important of all - remember that it is a process. Our
confidence will rise and fall - what's important is that you
know how to gain it back.